Daddy issues!!!!

Yes I got daddy issues loads of us do but fortunately mine didn’t send me to the pole, well maybe that’s only because we don’t have any decent poles around to work on, jokes.

So like many I never lived with my father, he was a master of the disappearing act, now for most girls we need our daddy’s love and attention as through him we see all men and I mean all men! Now as a child I always longed to spend time with my dad regardless of how rarely I saw him I was always excited as ever to have him around unfortunately the excitement was one sided my father was set in his single ways his priorities were always having a good time when he came to visit I had exactly 5 minutes to play catch up and most of the time it was just me talking away then he was off to drink with the guys and so on.

Now being brushed aside has never been a pill I swallowed easy as a child so I’d follow him around until I got chased away which was even worse! Now this caused me to become needy attention wise, I grew up craving attention seeking out approval and wanting people to need me and find me invaluable in order for me to feel worthy or happy (I still suffer from these today). When I look back now I can even see my relationship with God was flawed cause of my daddy issues as I always saw God as a man and well like with all men I felt I didn’t ordinarily deserve to be loved without proving my worthiness and now with God he knew all my faults and I always felt inadequate as I couldn’t fool God he knew it all and thus there was a certain distance or incomplete faith in my walk with God as I felt unworthy of his love and grace as he knew I was imperfect so I always saw God as the judge just waiting to read me my rights and sentence me to hell, so this was a disaster but Gods grace and love delivered me from that disillusion.

With my relationships I was the ever serving girlfriend I mothered all my boyfriends waited on them hand and foot and I always had to make myself perfect, I never really competed with other girls I had an idea of what perfect was and I strived to epitomise my ideology. This insured my invaluableness in the relationship but it didn’t eliminate my fear of rejection, as at times I ended a relationship under the pretence of being bored but I just didn’t want to face rejection. I avoided heartbreak throughout my teens using this strategy till I fell in love and in this relationship I managed to get my heart broken twice at the hand of one man. No matter how hard you build yourself to be confident and secure if you have under lying issues like mine they tend to have a great impact on your life as we feed off a lot from our subconscious thoughts in our lives.

Knowing I have daddy issues has helped me come to terms with the fact that, I did nothing wrong to deserve rejection so early in life and that I am worthy of love, knowing this doesn’t mean I fully believe it as it takes time to alter a mindset but I have taken a step forward in the right direction and hopefully there will be a time when I’m ok with not being perfect and allow myself to just take life as it comes and not always expect the worst.