2012

This has been a year full of new experiences and utter bravery on my part, I have covered so much new ground it is somewhat unbelievable. I began my year with just one resolution to break new ground and be open to new things, this was the best resolution as the entire year I had one statement at the back of my mind which was “if it’s new try it”. I traveled and I got involved in so many new projects it was very liberating and refreshing.

This year began at home, a very different start, I slept through the entry. I hated this as I assumed that nothing but a boring year lay ahead, and boy was I wrong! A week later was my real new year which was my birthday, I had a bonanza with my best friend (Lynda) we discovered whiskey (which played a huge role in my 2012). This year I was fearless and I stuck to my guns I made decisions to change the things that I didn’t like in my life and I stuck to those decisions making for a much better and happier life. I also learnt being happy came with extra weight literally, im working on losing those extra kilos. I may have burnt bridges in finding myself and being happy but I’m sure they were bridges I would not miss much. I learnt that following your heart is the best move you can make. I am so fine with walking away and not looking back if it’s my loss oh well we can’t live a life of crying over spilt milk now can we?

 I left my husband this year,  it was very difficult walking away and I did it hoping he would realize his mistakes and make amends but he didn't. I learnt that I can only control my reactions and not anyone else’s. It was a hard pill to swallow, coming to the realization that someone I gave my all to didn't so much as try to make things work, well it only reassured me that I made the right decision in leaving as a marriage is teamwork. Relationships thereafter have been the most difficult thing for me to develop as I was accustomed to dealing with one person and dealing with different characters has been a challenge, I was set in my very selfish ways and totally clueless to the dating world after being out of the game for seven years, the game had clearly changed.

I went through the learning curves and came out totally clueless still, I enveloped myself in work  this year but who is complaining? It has been a year of groundwork laying out a foundation for a secure future and figuring out what I really want to do. The hardest part has been not seeing results immediately and the wait there is nothing more frustrating than seeing the future, working towards it and not being able to enjoy it just as yet, I have learnt that all good things come to those that wait. Honestly I hate waiting but I have no other option but to wait. 2013 Is set to be a year far more amazing than 2012, I have been like a baby that learnt to crawl all year and this month I got my walking ring so early next year imma be walking, I so look forward to walking in 2013.

My year has been nothing short of amazing I lived this year I wasn't just alive, I was not afraid to put myself out there and I was comfortable just being me, I was not repentant about who I was and I embraced myself, as such I have very few regrets. I am pleased with 2012 and I am utterly excited for 2013, I wish you all a prosperous New Year and lots of peace and blessings and remember love yourself and God and your good. Happy New Year Diamonds!!

IF (too good not to share)

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son! 

Rudyard Kipling

The Ugly Truth 2

Last time I touched on this topic I didn't go too deep I just advised you all to be street smart, but let’s get to the street smart schoolin now. Right if you’re over 18 and under 30 then love is a game believe it or not it is. If it truly ain't then it’s a power struggle which in essence is a game too. The game called love is mastered by fear, every action is taken to ensure that one does not get hurt and yet that very action is what hurts.

By the time you hit your twenties everyone has basically been hurt and how they treat their relationships thereafter is as a defense mechanism to safeguard their hearts. In the hurt category we have the angry ones these are driven by rage towards the opposite sex, deep within they are angry and every action of theirs is ultimately to gain revenge on the opposite sex whether consciously or sub-consciously their actions are anger driven. This group knows how to get you but they will no doubt obliterate your heart not because you deserve it but because it’s their only known reaction.

The next category are the heartless ones all the pain numbs them to any feeling all together, they build high walls around their hearts and refuse to let anyone in, some end up players as they cannot commit to anyone they lead their lives running from love out of fear of being hurt again, this group is the most frustrating group you will ever come across as they are constantly hot and cold they with you and then the minute they have feelings they back out and run and the cycle continues repeatedly.

We move onto the needy and clingy ones these usually have underlying paternal or maternal issues or both, these neglected ones are the most dramatic of all. If they could they would latch themselves to their partners for eternity in order to be happy. They are needy possessive and very insecure they are a difficult to deal with as the neediness can be frustrating and their insecurities will be a huge challenge. Lastly are the secure and confident people who have dealt realistically dealt with what has come their way and are sure of what and who they are and what they have to offer in a relationship, they normally don’t settle and they know what they want. These are the scariest people to date and the most desirable of the four.

These are the four general characters out there everyone can safely relate to at least one of these but ultimately in Love you need to be comfortable in your own skin and know what your worth , Be sure of what you bring to the table and don’t try to hard love is natural,  when it’s hard work normally something is amiss.

The Silk shirt (tribute to the battered woman)

That gut wrenching feeling you have just before the storm, the feeling that lets you know that your world is about to be thrown off. Your stomach churns and your mouth is bitter occasionally you have dizzy spells and you are not at ease. Your heart is racing with no destination you break off in a sweat every now and again, you zone out and you come back only to realize you haven’t yet been dealt your blow quite as yet. This goes on all day and time is mercilessly dragging along your nail bed has been depleted to nothing with all the nervous biting, you have walked the house down with chattering teeth.

You have thought of every possible excuse and every apology and you know it won’t work, you know the wrath all too well and the rage that has no comprehension or mercy upon you. You picture all the painful possibilities and with chills down your spine, you set off on your hundredth inspection of the house and yard everything must be perfect so your fault doesn't seem major. The wait is agony the desire to run away plays before you then you consider where to run too, to the parent’s farm out of the city bathing in buckets and chopping firewood? That can’t be life, leaving the comfort of five bedrooms, three bathrooms, a swimming pool, splendor and beauty that you only laid eyes on in magazines as a child up until now, surely what’s to come is worth the lifestyle she led Anotida thought.

The gate opening disrupted her thoughts and within seconds he burst in the door with his radiant smile but she froze and couldn't move. He plucked a kiss on her cheek and inquired on her day, no response came so

he went on to ask her to get his favorite lucky silk shirt he had an important meeting in two hours. In horror her frozen state melted away and sweat was cascading down, not the shirt she thought, why was she so unlucky life wasn't fair to her in this moment, Anotida felt.

She dragged her feet up the stairs and got out the shirt she was desperately trying to make the burn not show in his shirt but he walked in as she attempted to cover up her error and saw what had happened. The radiance in his face dried up and he transformed into the grey devil she knew all too well, He came down on her like a tonne of bricks with streams of abuse and slaps across the face that sounded like gun shots that pierced her soft skin leaving cuts. She tried to curl herself up to protect herself but he wasn't having that he lifted her and swung her across the hall, “smash” in to the hallway mirror and she fell to the ground with a thousand pieces of glass following her, her eyes were swollen shut now and the smell of her own blood made her throw up, in disgust he kicked her down the stairs.

Anotida fell to her death at just twenty six years of age at the hands of an abusive spouse simply because she burnt a shirt by mistake.

The making of a diamond 1st Anni

I started my blog a year ago on the 2^nd of November 2012, celebrated the first anniversary of my blog; I made a big fuss about this mini milestone because of its significance. A year ago I made a decision and set out new outlines to my life and I managed to stick to my guns which I felt was certainly worth a celebration. I was recently asked why I chose the name the making of a diamond and well I think that is a topic I can go into detail about.

The making of a diamonds first anni dinner

I went through a period in my life where I totally forgot my worth I was nearly a door mat and had totally lost my self-values and I had basically lost myself. It took the encouragement and reassurance of those close to me, constantly reminding me that im precious and priceless, eventually they got through to me and well in order to reinvent myself I needed motivation to do so, but I was adamant I had to do it all on my own. My solution was to write and I decided to blog, naming my blog required me to have a few conversations with my favorite people that I spent most of my time with to get their view of me.

I was pleasantly surprised that they all felt I was worth more than gold and, well a diamond came along in conversation and we considered the process a diamond goes through to become pure and perfect and seeing as my trials were far from over I came up with, “the making of a diamond” because my life story is far from rosy, it’s intense and a bit of a roller coaster ride. Thereafter the making of a diamond was born, my emotional outlet and a story of inspiration to feed the masses. It is not me just complaining about everything I went through in my life it’s me going through each experience and looking at the experience and lessons gained from every experience to better myself as an individual. My blog is where I share my story, as on the outside I may seem together but it’s essential for people to know that life isn't what we see it’s what we experience and I have chosen to share my experience.

The Scars of a broken heart (1)

The heart is something so amazing not only does it keep us alive it also takes us through the greatest risk ever which is love. The greatest risk I say simply because once you have been hurt you are altered for life, the heart can withstand many stabs of pain in any relationship and endure pain but once it has been broken the scar shows forever.

I look back and see my break up in slow motion, first we stopped talking for over a year it used to kill me then I taught myself to deal with it I learnt that silence was golden, it did trample me not being able to share my days experiences, the kids growth and development and anything in general but I had to try and be strong I had to prove stronger than the mind game at play. From silence it went to being undermined, being left out of major decisions and changes at first I would blow up and make a big fuss or fight until I saw I was just playing into his hands, I wised up a bit and I learnt not to react it killed me inside but I had to. At this point I realized something was amiss love was not meant to be such a struggle upon this realization my decline began.

It all became crystal clear and it stung like a thousand bee stings, the fact that you no longer hold the key to a heart you once owned.  When the love of your life is no longer able to look you in your eyes or stand your very presence, when you are made to feel uncomfortable in the very home you built. This destroyed me on all levels I started losing weight I was very distracted and generally unhappy, I made grave attempts at winning back his love but my spirit was not resting. I became an insomniac I couldn't sleep I was just not at ease, I had to do something I had to leave the situation was killing me but I didn't want to surrender and give up on something I spent so long working at, the injustice the world was serving me was of an unbearable magnitude it was surreal as though I was living a nightmare.

It was difficult I was in a delirium I felt this couldn't be happening I did everything right I was hard working, every day I would look for a ray of hope to make me stay I kept feeling for a pulse in the marriage and there was a constant flat line. I forced myself to face reality and I began my preparations to leave it took a long three months but I had to be sure I had to leave with no doubt this was the only solution. Every day of those three months a part of me would die, I was being drained having to push forward with everything I had and then be shattered every evening. This was a fight that tested the strength of my heart and will power, the toll will forever leave marks, marks I see clearly but I am unable to make disappear. 

Motherly Pains

My son broke his hand the other day and I just discovered the most horrid part of being a mother, it’s when you see your child in pain and there is nothing you can do to ease it. I have never felt so hopeless before, I know the flu is a pain and we worry but having your child shriek your name in utter pain is heart shattering. You don’t know whether to grab your child and cradle him or let the doctors help him, nothing prepares you for this experience but eventually you calm down (after some Valium)

Anthony broke his hand flying off swings at school

I was sat beside my son in his first hospital bed since birth awaiting his first surgery ever and I was a bit proud, mostly because he said he wanted me by his side through it all and well I guess because we were going through life’s growing pains together. In  painful and intense moments like that there is love present and a memory about to be made for both of us to look back on later on in life. Motherly pains are not so painful when you sit and reflect there are a few difficult moments but when they pass and you take a moment to reflect they are crucial that’s how a mothers love for her child grows through each experience be it good or bad.

he broke both bones just below his wrist and  and displaced one bone

Motherly pains are not pleasant but we don’t have a pass for them and as such we go through them in order to master the art to being strong and well knowing when to wear a clown’s face. Children always look to their parents for strength and well we got to give them the strength they need when they need it. Parenting is a job that requires us to have super powers when necessary it all sounds crazy but it’s true our children have unfaltering faith in us. It is our job to give them the strength and faith that they need whenever they need it, even if we don’t have strength or faith. Motherly pains give birth to love and new bonds and memories so don’t fear them they are necessary.

putting on brave faces before surgery where they inserted two pins in his hand

Budding Love................

You’re so happy inside and out and you can’t wipe the grin of your face

In this moment it dawns on you that this life is actually amazing

If only time could stand still or better still could I constantly relive this moment continuously

Then again this feeling is so amazing that you might just want to live to experience what comes next

The joy you feel is indescribable you just want to run around and hug everyone

All the impulses you experienced as a child return, you’re just overwhelmed with energy

Happiness is overflowing from your cup and your skin seems to share your joy by glowing

These are the moments longed for by many and dreamt of by a hopeful soul

The rain brings tears of joy and the sunshine brings forth bliss of a new day

No season or situation alters the joy you feel when love is budding

Waves of emotions sweep through you taking you to new heights

Your bubble is so inflated and your senses are numb, a high like non other

Restlessness is your new norm ever awaiting your next encounter with your love

Butterflies are permanent residents in your belly and breathlessness like never before

A joy so innate it fills the soul and happiness so surreal to mankind

Your world has been reborn and you are flying at new heights
It’s so real you can sense the scent, you can taste the sweetness, you can touch its aura
It’s so amazing you can’t wait for the next sunrise and you wilt when it sets
It’s so real it feels like the sun is rising in the west
Your thoughts stolen, your smile undying
The courage to ride so brisk, the strength in you so illusory
Delirium, ecstasy, frenzy, bliss, your new muse

To Love or not to Love?

I love controversial topics and here is a good one, so I have put love up as a choice which is something that many will beg to differ with. However I am starting to think along the lines that love actually begins as a personal decision and I have noticed this with myself. I may not be a good example as I am dubbed heartless but anyways you can decide weather my experience is relevant or not.

I feel we make a mental decision first before we even decide to get into anything, we decide whether or not we want to love a person or not. We decide or know how far we are willing to go well in advance; we have that, is it worth it or not moment? As such I think we decide to love in as much as we decide to let a person hurt us, sometimes this all happens subconsciously and you’re not necessarily with the programme but we let it happen. In life we can do very little to determine a person’s reaction to any situation but the one thing we do have control over is our response and reaction.

Many times we let our emotions run amuck with our lives when we really don’t have to or shouldn't  Taking a minute to calm the heck down and re-evaluate things is essential, I used just go off on tangents a lot and it only damaged me. The minute I accepted the power to control my actions and reactions I did myself a world of good. Love is something we need to have a level headed approach to; I know the instinct is to just jump in, without a second thought but it works out better when we add some thought and composure to it.

 Always acknowledge that you made a decision to love and that, that decision you made, you made alone unaware of the loved ones decision. As such don’t rush in to expecting undying love in return. You chose to love and do that because it’s natural to you never expect the same in return we are all different. Love is a risk we go into it with no guarantees and if it doesn't work out such is life but if you are aware of all these factors and your expectations are minimal then your heartache will be minimal too. So be smart people fairy tales are for kids to grow up with hope but certainly not to elude adults.

The Testosterone Effect

I have been told many times I have male like mannerisms and my thinking is very different to that of most ladies especially when it comes to relationships. I do know that I was a tomboy when I was younger and I can agree that my thinking is very different, but what I am unsure of is whether or not this is a good or bad thing.

Most women dream of the finding the perfect man having the perfect wedding and living in the perfect house that, that man bought. In my world I am the perfect woman who has everything besides the perfect man (who I am unsure even exits). I prefer having my own cards to bring to the table and having enough power to commandeer respect from everyone. I like power and independence there is nothing better than calling the shots and having your opinions taken.

I am not the wife that sits and nods I’m the woman with an opinion to offer, however I do know how to respect a man and submit to him though he has to be very worthy of it. I don’t need to be taken care of however I am not looking to mother anyone either. I know who I am and where I intend to go in this life and I don’t have the time of day to deal with people that don’t (unless I do care for them). I don’t need a cheerleader but I need to know you love this woman and appreciate where she is on her life’s journey. I like affirmation, then again who truly doesn't  I strive for excellence and I like being the boss, I just can’t help that, this is who I am.

I enjoy having options I never want to be caught unaware; I need to know when, why and how as often as possible, I don’t just go with the flow I prefer being the flow. I am impatient I don’t like waiting if you don’t know what you’re doing I am going to do it myself, I hate relying on people I trust myself best I know how to always ensure the job is done. As long as I’m in the driver’s seat or I can influence the driver then I am in a very happy place, I’m not sure if there are other ladies that can relate but this is me and many say I got too much testosterone in me! Understandably but I just take control and responsibility of my life and if you’re looking for room in my life you need to make your presence known and felt.

Matthew Rusike Children's Home Gardening Day

As you may know I love helping out and as such I do a bit of charity work when I can, I co-ordinate outreach programmes, events and awareness raising campaigns for a foundation called the Art of Being Humane. I have been assisting here for a year now and one of our projects that I am very fond of is The Matthew Rusike Children’s Home. I have a weakness for children maybe because of my kids but I just feel that I should do all I can to help tomorrow’s future much brighter than ours and it begins with the children. I will be updating you all on the various projects we are currently running and keeping you in the loop in case you may want to help out too.

This is a new project that has begun due to an urgent need we have noticed. The main reason the Art of Being Humane Foundation picked Matthew Rusike as one of its organisations to assist of choice was because it had a very good sustainable development plan in place. When we met the Matthew Rusike Children’s Home director a year ago they had thriving chicken projects and gardening projects underway our job was solely to launch other projects. Whilst at one of our play days with the children we noticed a rather diminished, dry and bare garden.

This was very disheartening and as such we made it a priority to begin a gardening day, This day is set out for The Art of Being Humane volunteers to come out in their numbers to help in any way to revamp the Matthew Rusike garden as it is their lively hood.  Our first gardening day was on the 18^th of August 2012 and the turnout was very amazing fortunately we had a number of the members of a church to assist us. The garden’s state was a mess we had high hopes of planting seedlings and watering the existing crops but our plans had to change as the current vegetables were near death due to weeds. Our first gardening day became the deweeding day  we spent our morning deweeding in order to save the existing crops.

Below are images from our first gardening day on the 18th  of August 2012

Our next gardening day will be this weekend, Saturday the 22^nd of September 2012, I hope that we will all attend it in our numbers and help save the Matthew Rusike Children’s home garden. We may still have deweeding to do in addition to preparing beds and planting summer seeds before the rains if you have any experience at in gardening or have free time and wouldn’t mind learning how to get green fingers come along to Matthew Rusike Children’s home in Epworth from 9.30 am.

Emotional retard

Most people have deduced from my previous blogs that I hate men when honestly this is not the case however it has come to my attention that I have a general problem in the affection department. I don’t really seem to love a whole lot of people in my life or I am very selective about who I share my time, love, loyalty and affection with. I think it’s safe to conclude that I am an emotional retard this is because many times I fail to extend the love and affection that many around me may need and require.

This has been an interesting discovery  because to the few I do share my heart with, they can safely say I am a very loving person which is why it was hard for me to accept that I am selective about who I love. The real issue was tracing where and when this all began and I don’t do this because I need an excuse or I need someone or something to blame but rather  because when uprooting problems in one’s life it’s always best to uproot from the roots so the problem is sufficiently dealt with and this ensures that this doesn't reoccur.

I think the main missing element in my life has been the absence of my parents; I grew up generally without the normal family unit/body. As far as I can remember the two main people I always cared for were my grandmother and my sister mostly because we went through so much together. Our bond, love, trust and relationships were formed and strengthened over time and I can relate to this sort of process in all my relationships. The ones I hold dear are the ones I have gone through life with, they are my family and I fail to recognize my blood relatives that I have minimal interaction with. It is with great difficulty that I try and extend affection to those I share a blood line with but have no common ground with, nor any life experience with.

So I guess I grew up with very little affection and I learnt that people cannot be trusted, I would much rather be with the devils I know and as such I am a bit of a retard but the amazing thing is I so greatly crave affection and the few that do make it into the inner circle occasionally get showers of affection. Selective affection and love is what I think I suffer from and well if I take the time to get to know you I may grow fond of you so there is lots of hope for a positive change on my part. We all have bad habits we are struggling to grow out of this is my one. I am committed to amending this emotional dysfunction. 

A Goddess

A goddess is a woman who
emerges from deep within
herself. She is a woman who has
honestly explored her darkness
and learned to celebrate her light.
She is a woman who is able to fall
in love with the magnificent
possibilities within her. She is a
woman who knows of the magic
and mysterious places inside her,
the sacred places that can nurture
her soul and make her whole. She
is a woman who radiates light.
She is magnetic. She walks into a
room and male and female alike
feel her presence. She has power
and softness at the same time.
She has powerful sexual energy
that's not dependent on physical
looks. She has a body that she
adores and it shows by the way
she comfortably lives and moves
in it. She cherishes beauty, light
and love. She is a mother to all
children. She flows with life in
effortless grace. She can heal with
a look or a touch of the hand. She
is fiercely sensual and fearlessly
erotic and engages in sex as her
way to share with another in
touching the divine. She is
compassion and wisdom. She is
seeker of Truth and cares deeply
about something bigger than
herself. She is a woman who
knows that her purpose in life is
to reach higher and rule with love.
She is woman in love with love.
She knows that joy is her destiny
and embracing it and sharing it
with others to heal wounds. She
is a woman who has come to
know that her partner is as
tender, lost, and frightened as she
has been at times. She has come
to understand the scars of the
boy in him and knows that
together, love can be the relief,
the healing of their wounds. She
is a woman who can accept
herself as she is. She can accept
another as they are. She is able to
forgive her mistakes and not feel
threatened by another's even
when attacked. She is a woman
who can ask for help when she
needs it or give help when asked.
She respects boundaries, hers and
another's. She can see God in
another's eyes. She can see God in
her own. She can see God in every
life situation. She is woman who
takes responsibility for everything
she creates in her life. She is a
woman who is totally supportive
and giving. She is a
Goddess"..."

Hatred

A good alternate title for this blog would be granddaddy issues as he is the basis of this sad topic. Hate I was always taught is very destructive and vastly wrong but somehow if I’m honest with myself it is the emotion I feel toward my grandfather. I am not proud of it nor do I encourage it but I am pretty sure I am not the only one out here dealing with such a negative emotion, and as such I will share my battle with hatred and hopefully it might be a step in the right direction for me.

I have never held so much compounded anger towards a person ever and I don’t think I would ever hold so much towards another person as of now if you’re wrong I just disassociate myself with you. Unfortunately when you are young you don’t have such options and well I was stuck with my grandfather for sixteen long years. Now my grandfather isn’t a murderer or rapist or anything extreme but for me he was hell, I have touched base before on his alcoholism and verbal abuse which is something he still does till this day which is so sad I have never met a soul so bitter and self destructive before.

I say that because this is a man that has had many try and shower their love and affection and most importantly forgiveness upon him and his response is that of a rabbied dog, just to attack and hurt those who try and care for him. I have no understanding of his plan as he isolates everyone which is fortunate for him and unfortunate for his family because they keep going back for more, however since I left the house when I was sixteen I have had a very cold and guarded approach toward him mostly out of fear that I might murder the old man and well also out of knowledge of the character I am dealing with.

My grandfather did few things to hurt or destroy me personally and I think my real anger lies in the way he treated my grandmother who I loved dearly, and for some unknown reason she loved this man. She was never treated with love, affection, respect or care, and that is just the tip of the ice berg I watched so many injustices dealt to her at the hand of this old man and all she did was work and feed him and tolerate everything. This drove me crazy it was beyond me why a man could be so blind and why a woman would tolerate such and watching this over the years made me so angry and when my grandmother died it turned to hatred as I felt at the hands of this man an amazing woman failed to live and receive the amazing life she so deserved.

Breaking the Silence..............

It has been a long minute since I last wrote probably because my life has been going extra fast and crazier than normal which is insane. Where to begin this past month has had a number of birthdays so I have been ruthlessly celebrating the lives of those I care for in my life. Death has been a stumbling block in my life and as such I hardly care for it but life is something I live for!

I love life and I appreciate each and every minute of my life and those in my life. In other news the current state of happiness I reside in has brought on a slight weight gain which has seen me taking flake from my beloved friends (sarcastic voice) so now I’m contemplating a diet and exercise which honestly is a very exhausting consideration.

 My sister’s birthday was first on the list and well she accused me of being more excited for her birthday than she was and I simply said not many live to see their thirties these days so for me it was a lifetime achievement. Life and it's achievements are nothing if you don't have loved ones to share them with.

My daughter turned two which was even more exciting than my sisters birthday it was like I had climbed the Everest and lost 5kg’s (whoop whoop) any ways just to brag I have the most amazing children in the world! So Nicole turned two grew an inch and became a chatter box overnight wow kids wait for no man they are on a miss ion to grow  really fast. Such milestones make life for me.

Today is my best friend’s birthday, Lynda and well friendship is prize when it’s built on shared experiences and lots of memories and that is one thing our friendship is based on. After 10 years I have one friend I know will always be there no matter what and well that’s the best feeling in life.

So I have been celebrating life and making memories I hope you have all been doing the same.

 

It may not be his birthday but his had most the cake and is the main man in my life.

Finding sunshine in the rain (fiction)

Stacey had just been evicted from her comfortable little flat and she was devastated, she had the difficult choice of going back home or going to live with one of her sisters who all lived in states miles away from her job, she would have to quit her job. The thought of going home with her tail between her legs was one so daunting and unfair for her. How did she get to this she was doing so well being on her own and holding down her new job, but it was just too much too soon. She hadn’t yet mastered the concept of saving nor had she curbed her desire for impulse buying either, she was quickly overwhelmed with the ability to buy and lead a life she had only dreamed of.

It took three months for the cracks of her new life style to show, she had maxed out her credit cards her rent bill lay unpaid for two solid months. She was outraged with herself, what was she thinking, being so unresponsibile? Where were her priorities how could she neglect so much, looking back it was as though she was on some high nothing mattered at all in the moment. Now she felt as though life has just slapped her across the face. What was she to do even if she went home the bills would still need to be paid and she would be unemployed she found herself in a catch 22 situation. Stacey fell to the ground closed her eyes and said “Lord I know I have been to busy for you and I have been neglectful to my responsibilities, I know I am unworthy of your mercy but I humbly ask for your forgiveness and if you could assist me I will change my ways Amen”.

Stacey rose up and set off for the city she felt she couldn’t just wait around she needed to be proactive in seeking a solution to her situation, she bought a news paper and looked for ladies communes that would be way cheaper than an apartment. She went to about fifteen and found nothing at all she was beginning to lose hope, her search continued for 2 weeks she would go to work and surf the net and most nights she would go to each commune in hope of finding space, for 2 solid weeks she slept on the train. Fortunately the apartment caretaker let her store her stuff in the garage and she often changed for work in his bathroom. Stacey was deranged with despair how could this be her life, she didn’t harm anyone, she was honest and hard working how could this be her fate?

After work, Wednesday evening  she had planned to pass through an orphanage home to drop off some of her belongings she no longer used she figured it would  make her load light for the journey back home. When she handed over her parcel she was invited for dinner to which happily accepted, she wolfed up dinner like a raging animal all the sisters looked on in horror and disbelief! Immediately Sister Anne took the young lady into the kitchen and quizzed her until it all came pouring out with a flood of tears. Thereafter Stacey was offered a position as an assistant matron she could keep her job and get free accommodation and food until she paid her bills and got on her feet again. She immediately fell to her knees and cried thank you Lord over and over.

The Birth ( fictional)

Jeffrey’s beloved wife Emeldha called to inform him she was on her way to the hospital, as she was in labour. Immediately Jeff’s face lit up! it was time. For nine months he had felt so useless, watching his beautiful wife carry their child, through the morning sickness, sleepless nights and midnight cravings. He had watched his wife endure it all. He had received a fair share of tantrums, and had enjoyed the laughter with her.

Often he wished he could be a part of what he thought was the most amazing experience ever which was pregnancy, but now was his turn to step in to the role he dreamt of for so long. He usually imagined what it would be like for him to carry this burden for her. He dreamt and craved for the day he would get to hold his sweet, beautiful angel of a daughter, in his hands. He dreamt of her growing up into a beautiful, successful and intelligent woman. He even thought of the day she would get to exchange vows, with that bright young man, with a future oozing with success!!

He hopped, skipped and jumped to his car. He was filled with excitement and joy like never before. He felt like crying and started laughing at the same time. He had never before experienced such ecstasy. His stomach grew butterflies which quickly turned melodious and gave him a serene and unruffled feeling.

As he arrived in the labour ward, his elation and euphoria was quickly drained. His joy and exhilaration quickly turned sour. He went into despair. Emeldha sat on the delivery bed, tomato red in the face with sweat. Her eyes were swollen; they told a story filled with hurt. Her lips were dry and chapped. Her hair was literally heaved off her scalp. This was not the woman he knew, she was different. Never in their life together had Jeffrey witnessed Emeldha in such a state, never had he seen his woman looking like this. He did not want to ask, he immediately rushed to her side and grabbed her hand and said “ your doing amazing love you are so brave and strong, I’m so proud of you” , Emeldha got so much joy and strength from those words of encouragement that she managed a great big push and their baby girl crowned.

Jeff had tears in his eyes he smiled at her. “one more push love, she is here our precious little bundle is here! His hand turned blue from Emeldha’s grip but her final push and a baby girl came out screaming and Jeff stared at his wife with joy and appreciation. She could not help but feel like she had just saved the world, she looked down and smiled all the pain long forgotten. They were both mesmerized by the beauty their little bundle had, they went silent for a moment, each feeling a joy never felt before.
Emeldha was handed the baby, she smiled with tears rolling down her chicks, shivering a bit, but at the same time happy and serene. Jeff looked on, his joy was indescribable..he just smiled endlessly..

"The loss of a mother" (fiction)

Torn from her dream by the sound of her phone ringing, Catherine sits up and realises it’s the call she has been dreading for the past two weeks, she took a deep sigh that almost made her pass out, she gritted her teeth and answered the phone. “Is this Catherine, I’m very sorry to inform you that your mum has lost her battle with cancer and passed away this morning at 3.45am” That’s all she heard before the numbness set in. Catherine knew this was coming but knowing doesn’t make it any easier at first she felt a burning sensation in her heart and then stabbing  pain, ice cold tears rolled down her chicks and she had no idea what to do she just felt so overwhelmed. She grew weary, her psyche went void, she reflected on all the sweet tender memories they’d shared. Her heart died and her soul shrivelled.

Catherine finally rose from her bed headed down stairs and jumped into her car and drove, at first she did not know her destination then she decided she needed to be near water, Lake Chivero it is she decided, she drove as fast as her little Mazda 323 could take her, Thankfully there was hardly any traffic at 4.30 in the morning. She arrived and it was a ghost town she jumped out the car, and over the fence she leapt into Admirals Cabin she ran down to the lake side and sat on a rock in the dark, coldness of the early morning. As she stared at the unending water, all she could think of was how she would manage this life without her mum; who was her mentor, councillor and best friend.

She also felt that her mum deserved a break for she had suffered for so long trying to fight breast cancer, she had become so frail and tired. Catherine felt so selfish and inhumane for wanting her alive, even though it was clear that the pain and suffering was unbearable for her mother. She decided it was good that her dear mother had gone to rest, but the challenge of facing everyone and coordinating the funeral made her exhausted. Her heart still ached for her mother so many cherished memories they shared together she really couldn’t comprehend that no new ones were to be made. She tried to comprehend the profound loss. Somehow, she had a sense of peace, a sense which came from the memories of love she and her mom had shared. She had a sense of pride, for she knew that her mom had accomplished so much!

 Why is death so difficult to deal with she wondered, why is it so hard when everyone has to die, why do fight this inevitable part of life she thought.  After watching the most breath taking sunrise ever she felt a stab of agony that her mother would never see another as beautiful, reluctantly yet courageously, she walked to her car to drive to back to the city to deal with burial of her mother.

"In the moment" (fictional)

It was the 4^th of July celebrations and in the mist of the fireworks and festivities an explosive meeting occurred, it was on the roof top of the empire state building and Luke was headed to the balcony to get a better view of the firework display when in his peripheral view, he caught sight of the most breath taking woman he had ever imagined. Instantaneously his direction switched, when he laid eyes on her he lost his breath was he dreaming? His heart didn’t skip one beat. Did such beauty exist her skin was a silk caramel, her dark brown eyes spoke volumes and her smile lit up the room.

Andrea was about ready to die of boredom when she looked up to a happy surprise of the definition of attractive, he was hardly handsome but he had a presence that excited her, the broad shoulders, beefed up chest and strong arms, wow she thought and his heading my direction. She looked directly at him and put on her million dollar smile that brightened up rooms. Hi there she whispered to him, he reached out for her arm and placed a gentle warm kiss on her wrist, gazed in to her eyes and said to her “such beauty often leaves a man dumbfound, Luke’s the name”.

Immediately Andrea perked up, “I am Andrea but everyone calls me Andy”. Luke whizzed her off to the balcony and they watched the fireworks and mostly each other with great big grins across their faces. In the moment she was so elated to be in the company of someone she found attractive for a change, her stomach had totally disappeared from nerves maybe at last she had found someone she could shower with love and he seemed just as excited as she was. She closed her eyes and prayed that this was the man she was longing to meet and that….. loneliness would no longer be her companion.

All she could hear was the music, no not any kind of music, but a sweet reverting melody that quintessentially made her feel like she wanted to cry and smile, at the same time. This was her curtain call, she knew she had to make it work or a chance like this would never again present itself to her. Luke, on the other hand, knew not of any feeling that compared to this. He had never felt this way. He thought to himself, “I’m even ready to face death”. Never had he imagined that such a feeling would exist in his life time. She had a smile that made him week at the knees; she had eyes to die for. She was “innocent”, untamed and made him feel like it was the end of the world. He grew desperate, the fireworks were just but a distraction to him, his eyes were locked on hers...he felt like he wanted her embrace, he knew it was too early, and so all he could do for now was smile.
In his head, was a voice “Luke, Luke, Luke”!! And oh!! He thought; please don’t distract me from this moment. Just then did the voice grow louder, followed by a slap in the face, and a cold splash of water! Only then did Luke realize this was just but a dream.

"The Village Murder" (fictional)

The myriad of people just stood there, in shock, bewildered and distraught. The mothers were contemplating, whether they should mourn or hit themselves onto the ground. I just stood there, with an ill-spirited and divorced look. One of the elders cried out, “Daughter!! What have you done?” I just looked back at her, not a word came out of me. Matombo ran into the house, the commotion and ire, and the ogre in me, grew even stronger. I waited, waited not just for anything but for the furore to come to pass. An eye for an eye, I had been taught. Live by the sword and die by its end, I had learnt!

No one can heartlessly take the lives of those I love and expect me to remain silent they chant and shout that I am a murderer when I am just doing what I know to be right. How could you!! They screamed? How could I not, she was so disrespectful and malicious I had to save the village from this vindictive, seductress of a monster. The definition of evil in flesh and blood, they all feared her for her ways, they shivered when she passed and went silent at her streams of abuse. The village was her playground she ruled the people through fear she had taken the lives of so many I didn’t mind my fate. Justice had been served; my soul could gladly go & meet its ancestors. I was now a hero for I had defended her injustice.

I grew up not knowing anything but the fear she imparted through her ways, she was but the villain I dreamt of whenever I closed my eyes every night. She flaunted the iniquity of the village; she served our love with her devotion to her rogue and acerbic nature. This was my Aunt Mandibaya. Yeah she was my aunt, barbed in nature. I grew up under the same roof were she lay. My Father, then a good servant of the Lord, took her in, after she had been dumped by her Late Husband Chakora. She deceived her way into my Father’s house. We welcomed and embraced her like a daughter of the soil. My Father said he knew her from his Late Mother’s village!! And so we welcomed her. What we didn’t know was that we had welcomed a fiend, a brute who knew not of the values of the land and family.

She consumed my family and half the village, slowly yet consistently she would seduce the village fathers and cause chaos in their homes she wrecked most of the marriages first and shortly after that the estranged wives began to disappear the distraught husbands began to kill for her affections. My father was murdered at her hands she lured him to protect her knowing she had hired an assassin, she thought she had won this village she was celebrating her victory when I came in with my machete in hand. I intended just to hurt her, to remove her limbs and paralyse her, so she would be unable to hurt another innocent soul. In the moment overcome with rage and with justice in mind I became a merciless murderer and she was left no more than carved flesh in a pool of blood. I know I was wrong but I also know I have saved many a lifetime of injustice, I know I will hang in a few days but I will gladly hang for my village and for the vengeance of my father.

And so we just stood there, no one knew what to do. Matombo, the Crawl Head was distraught, “Never in my lifetime has this happened, even in the lifetime of my Fathers” he bleated. The elders grew weary of crying; they lamented yet assured that the village was safe. They knew the devil in their midst was but history. They reminisced about the fearful days they’d seen, “at their age”. But what was going to happen now, they dreaded having to put me to death after this great deed I had done! Yet they had to be loyal to custom murder in such brutality could not go unpunished as I had slain this monster I had to face a fate so similar. My heart froze at the thought of the unfairness of this world in anger and fear I become numb, I had to die too I had vivid flash backs of what I had just done speeding before me and then blackness…………….

The Heartless One..............

I sometimes feel like the heartless one though I know I am not but somehow I fear I may be.

My love life has been pretty sad and basic I have only been in love once or maybe one and a half times (I say half cause the love hardly got the chance to bloom it got murdered lol!) and my heart was broken 3times.  Twice by one person my ex husband and after it took me one and a half years to leave a very toxic marriage I was free to be me, to let the real Donna blossom and it has been an amazing journey of self discovery it still is though you never really truly know yourself! During this period I have became a somewhat commitment phobe and partially anti men, the thought of compromise, sharing, caring and (oh no!) loving again is just not the way forward for me right now.

I went about the last five months working harder than ever and partying just as hard avoiding men at all costs which is pretty impossible considering they are everywhere! The curse of beauty when nursing a broken heart is one so unbearable, how you can heal or move on with men coming at you and all you can think” is you’re all the same “is impossible! My first reaction was just brush guys off with an “I don’t need you” attitude which worked for about a month then I got the title of man hater then I had to sit myself down and tell myself to chill out and stop being so angry and just flow. Step two was just flowing kicking it with everybody and just being cool which was apparently misleading because apparently if you’re nice to guys you’re giving them hope for a future (seriously guys there is hope when I say there is). Step three was create boundaries, after learning you can’t just kick it with everyone as you might be leading them on, so in this step I was very chilled and very selective about who I spent my time with and guess what (guys had something to say about that too) So now I’m at my current position where I’m like you know what “WHATEVER!” people are never happy so screw you I’m going to do me and if you get offended go die cause I can’t live my life to please anybody but me and God off course.

This stance is where the heartless one comes in and honestly I don’t really care if I am the heartless one because this is my life and I don’t need people wasting my time and positive energy and if  it makes me evil so be it, as I am on a serious no nonsense tip. I will not be too accommodating if I am not in to you then you will notice in a nice way. I think people should be free to be themselves even though people will not like who you are, it’s important to be true to you. So if you whistle at me I ain’t having that, don’t grab on me to get my attention as you may lose a limb and don’t expect me to have time for you randomly because I am not a time keeper. To all the emotional guys, yeah that is just not my thing if you whine stay the heck away from me and to all the swagalicious guys trying to step up to me feeling yourself and talking gibberish check yourself or you will lose your manhood! This is just who I am and I how I feel it’s nothing personal I just feel like I should not have to tolerate what I don’t feel like tolerating and this is Donna she is just protecting herself, hate me or love me…

The broken one

I sometimes wonder how you look at yourself in the mirror knowing what you are,

How do you live such a lie pretending to be what your not?

Smiling knowing you’re not happy with yourself pretending you know all when it’s

 just all but confusion

Thinking you have a plan when you’re just aimlessly gliding by life

You’re broken and you won’t face it nor will you fix yourself

Life is not as bad as you see it to be, you don’t have to keep digressing

Stop with the jealousy and envy it’s only eating you up at the core

Don’t look at what your not focus on what you are and build yourself up

Stop trying to bring everyone down to your level so you feel good about yourself

Give up the act that you’re trying to sell, just admit you’re broken and fix yourself

Arise, arise, I beg you stop being as the dead, lifelessly living, have you no emotion?

Where is the life in you, why are you so numb, can’t you feel a thing?

Is there a desire within you for this beautiful life?

Do you see the awesome beauty of this amazing earth?

Or is anger and presumed injustice blinding you

Oh! Is there any hope for your broken spirit will you live at peace with yourself?

It saddens me to see you in this state but I am lost for actions

My love for you wastes away as you only repay me with evil

I never loved you for a return so it really doesn’t bother me

I just wish you wouldn’t waste away in jealously and envy

I wish you would embrace this beautiful life and live!

For you’re special not just in my eyes but in the eyes of the creator

It kills me

It kills me to know I gave you my all with no expectations and you took it
Not to love me, but to have me, use me and to feel good inside
It kills me remembering all my sacrifices, how I murdered myself to please you
It kills me how you failed to love me even though only small things mattered to me
My heart aches as I recall every injustice I was served at your hand, I almost die again


It kills me that your selfishness and ego stops you from loving our kids

 It kills me that you are missing the joys of parenting, for no real reason
It kills me that my fondest memories are from days of old and cold
It kills me that you don’t see your faults or try and better yourself
It kills me that those close to you lead you astray


It kills me that you never saw how I cared and wanted only the best for you
It killed me that you only saw wrong in me, always highlighting my imperfections
It killed me to say good bye to walk away from all I knew and built
It killed me to stop the vision before it was realised, it killed me to leave
It killed me that you could never own your actions and be a man

It kills me that you will miss my love that I always gave freely

It kills me that that I can not shelter you from the coming storms
It kills me that I will forever have scars from loving you with my all
It kills me that you think you did all right, and hide from each call

It kills me that the shreds of my heart adorn your garden
it kills me that that my love was your lust
it kills me that I allowed your covet' to eclipse my mind
it kills me that my imagination ignored your intentions

It kills me that you don’t see any of this and you blindly walk about proudly
It kills me that you think this is but just a game or rather a battle for victory
It kills me that you don’t know you have lost me for good,
It kills me that they all say she will be back soon, when my return will never come

It kills me to say goodbye but for happiness I must try

My Love

From first sight he struck me, never before had I felt chills in my bones like this
His beauty and his physic had totally left me amiss
Overwhelmed and overcome by attraction like never before
As I smiled he smiled back and my blood rushed back & forth as though I’d die
Snap out of it, I surely must but my feet take me in just for a gentle thrust
I’m sorry I say with a devilish but sincere smile, I must control this lust

His number I have, and on this stud I have made an impression
Crazy and forbidden it may seem, but here I am hoping a love would bud
And bud it does, the conversation so stimulating I was in awe that such existed
An exciting friendship and romance ensues

In my mind a song, a song of waterfalls in the plush and flow A song never heard or sang, a song so melodic harmony so real so unchartered
like fire-flies set for eternal bliss my endless love
my infinite ecstasy my aphrodisiac he was

Never one to be so easily moved but this was a flow I had no control of
This was the quintessence of what I call love the skeleton the embodiment of love
It blossomed on its own with every advance so natural and so fulfilling
I rediscovered myself I felt like a woman again, enthralling, exquisite beautiful & enchanting
Was this real or was I in a trance, should I wake up from this reverie
The chemistry we shared oh so explosive like nothing I’ve ever experienced

Suddenly the love disappeared the irresistible feelings of affection died
Our love faded, I saw it leave the room as quickly as it came in
I was in denial every moment was too real and too true to see end
“My love don’t walk away” I pleaded but he had turned his back and walked on
I could hear his good bye, gone with the tumult, all that’s left for me is to resign
Distraught deranged and broken was my state
He took my appetite with him I had no desire to live
Could I continue with this would I be able to find a way back into my lover’s heart?

I pulled myself together, long and painful it was motivated by only the love we shared
The memories of what we had fuelled me it was real and I had hope
To reignite our passion and get back the love I had become accustomed to
I can still hear the nightmarish passions, I shake my head so vigorously just to let go
To let go of the hurt which, like harsh meteorites pounces on my isolated heart

I know the moon won’t come down, no it won’t!!
At first it was awkward, excruciating even embarrassing
But I know with Venus ascending, a shout and a leap of joy shall soon see light in me