The cries of a broken heart

Like the salient woes like the breath of death
Like a virgin walking a lonely path
Like a dare-devil pondering his next dare
Like a baby Giselle learning the first walk

Breathing deep into my soul
Reality soon sinks deep into the abyss of my heart
So powerful no one can cherish
So intense the consequence is petrifying
Never did my imagination acquaint of this
Even my worst thoughts never enlightened me
Weren’t dreams meant for this, or was I wrong?

But alas my dreams were off beam
Like an eclipse of the mind my vision rambles
At first it was just but love, the beauty of it all
The butterflies, the walks in the park, the midnight calls
Can I live without it all? Surely this can't be

Is he gone for real, which one is the dream? Am I awake?
A metaphor he has become
A dream he now is, so far and yet so near
The love we had all gone in vain, taken by the tumult
The times we shared the affection the commitment the laughs all lost in the hubbub

Was it her, the one I never liked from day one?
The one who was always there when I wasn’t?
The one who always found time when I couldn’t?
The one who gave you what I thought was taboo?
The one who made you laugh at jokes I thought were eccentric?

Forever will my heart linger in solitude for I am now solitary

Closing chapters

Every journey has a lifespan and every chapter has an end, I have seen myself grow a little this year it has not been the growth i wanted or expected but its growth nonetheless I can safely say that i am learning to take life as it comes. I was accustomed to fighting, be it fate or reality i was ever ready for battle. I find myself in submission to life now and i guess the beauty lies in seeing spades as they are, opposed to how i want them to be. This insight has seen me able to end a chapter in my life not because i wanted it to end, but because its end had come.





A profound chapter in my life began at 15 for me, i met a man and i shared a major chunk of my youth with this man. It has been a long journey of nine years with him, with many ups and downs. I have learnt so much from this journey, i loved wholeheartedly and i married my Prince. This was life as i thought it should be, but in life we love and we learn. I learnt many lessons, some i never wanted to learn and i spent a lot of time with my arms folded in protest, and in rage at life. Reality then struck me, i was given lemons and i went sour opposed to making lemonade. How unsporty of me i thought, well in all honestly love is the one emotion capable of altering anyone whether you want it to or not.








Today i am happy to end a chapter in my life, it has been an important one in my life, it has added significantly to who i am today. I have chosen to learn from all the bad and to cherish all the good, but most importantly i am letting the chapter close and i am ready for a new chapter. Self healing doesnt always happen when we want it to and so often we hardly notice that we are healed, however it is neccesary and it does make life happier and healthier when we welcome it.My life has transformed since i stopped fighting life, and it’s looking brighter and brighter each day, i have finally signed my name at the end of a chapter in my life and i anxiously await to write my next chapter.

I never knew......

I never knew that letting him in meant this

All he asked for was a simple kiss

I never knew where it would all lead

All i know is there is none here to kid

I never knew i was letting him in

Though with me he has been from the beginning

I never knew every minute mattered

All i know is without him im scattered

I never knew he meant everything he said

Slowly he seems to be getting through to me

I never knew that it only required patience to break my walls

I see them crumbling everyday

I never knew i would be so afraid

I never knew love would find me like this

I'm coming out of hiding and I don’t like it

I never knew I would let go and let love take over

Oh my how I wish I hadn't, walls are built to protect

I never knew it would be such bliss, ever thinking of his kiss

I never knew happiness like I know it now

Being me has never been this easy, a painless blissful love

I never knew this is where I would be

Closing doors and moving forward like I needed to

I never knew I deserved this freedom and happiness

Nor did i ever believe i was worthy

I smile now because I never knew but now I do!

Rejection

This I would say is one of the greatest fears of mankind today, everyone wants to be loved and accepted in society and yet acceptance is almost impossible to attain. Everyday people grovel and fight for the acceptance and approval of parents, children, friends and loved ones; some to their advantage and unfortunately many to no avail.

We have based our livelihood on running from rejection, at the very expense of our sanity and well being. The fear of its’ reality is one so bone chilling that anything beats the thought of it alone being the actual experience. Many have likened the feeling to death, a numb state of dismay and utter horror knowing that the one whom you looked to for love and assurance can no longer be or will no longer be there. A state of non-comprehension and dismay, physical pain is of no consequence, life ceases to hold meaning or value in the eyes of the rejected.

Down cast and ridden to an empty void of utter loneliness, bordering on depression, being rejected cuts deep for most and leaves many disoriented. Without a single clue as to how to fill the present void some run out to find a rebound to make the pain or confusion disappear others let their hearts ache and some become bitter and angry. Rejection affects everyone at one point or another and it rocks every world it hits, how you take the blow is what defines us.

All through my early childhood I experienced rejection; over the years it became a powerful stronghold I could not just shake off. With the passing of time my mindset was so chained to the thought I was not good enough. I was so miserable and so far away from living the purpose that destiny had laid out for me. For a while it was so bad that I began to believe that people were justified in rejecting me .I began to think I deserved not only to be rejected, but also to be pitied. In the end I decided to self medicate by avoiding rejection .I was just rejecting anyone and everyone who came close to me. I was so numb and immune to anyone’s emotional needs. Not knowing better the very same thing I hated I sought to do to others. Call it madness or insanity I am so guilty of it. Yet I know I am far from being alone in this corner.

Unfortunately you can’t run forever and eventually you meet the ill fate you have handed to many, I recall the dismay when it happened to me. The man I thought would sweep my feet away told me I was not good enough. This time I did not put on the ‘kick-me' sign pity face. I decided to be an enchantress and weave some magic and make this man love me. Like a caterpillar a process of metamorphosis occurred in my brain I sought power, revenge and success. I believed these three entities would shield me from future encounters of rejection and get my man back. The man I lost, however success did come but it came at a cost. Love was lost in the abyss of self. Lonely nights I endured in my comforts until a penny dropped, life didn’t have to be this way. Love was the thing that could heal me and that would only come with me accepting the past and leaving the past behind. A newness of life sprung within me. Eureka! I thought; so it’s that simple I thought. Yes I have been rejected but hey it stops today I am taking back my life and living it the way it’s meant to be.

Since undertaking this new path of thinking I realised forgiveness would play a major role in my healing. Forgiving myself for the choices I have made and also forgiving the very same people that have hurt me. I am working progress and I love the journey like a diamond it’s a daily polishing that makes me shine brighter every day. 

Checking in

I haven't written in a minute mostly because too much has been going on in my life, it’s been insane but I have missed this time tremendously. I have learnt that I can't write when I'm all over the place I need a quiet and calm environment for my heart to speak. I am just ecstatic that I'm in my happy peaceful state again i truly hope.

I have been on an overworking spree it has been exhausting and very unnecessary but I guess the head bump helps bring the lesson home, Hard work is always commendable but it is not always necessary, so I have learnt. Somehow we are past the midst of the year and I'm hazed by how swiftly the months have gone by. The past seven months have been very eventful, I desired to make changes *again* but good changes some never made sense when I made them but now they do, lost friends, gained friends, made progress and back tracked a bit too.

On a high note I have met some amazing people thus far it’s been an experience, I have learnt something that i can say i had forgotten. In this life we live we tend to forget that we are on earth by God's will and ultimately to fulfill his plan in our life, somehow we manage to forget this and take full control of our lives and make plans that mostly are not God’s. This is when events begin to occur in order to highlight this simple truth. “We live to learn and learn to live” i guess so lets get out our note pads as we live lol.

On a low note, I have lost too many already this year it’s been hectic, i never take death very well and death has knocked down my door successively to the point where it all seemed to be a bad joke and a very hard pill to swallow.I have noticed that death does come with life, a lot of babies are being born and well i guess this is life, we lose and we gain, honestly though we spend a lot of time on the loss and ignore the gain but that is just selfish human nature which we are all guilty of. I have loads to share i hope i have all the time to share, sometimes i have all the words and nothing to write it’s insane. I will keep at it though i need my me time where i talk to the world as wise sister at times or as a crazy youth, be blessed and spread love where ever you are today.

A tribute to my dear friend O'neal R.I.P

 This year i lost a dear friend and a witting partner

this was one of the last things he wrote before he was murdered

 was the poem below rest in peace O'neal i miss you:

Sometimes God Loves a Lullaby

God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves a drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out, singing out.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The release of power

She is backed in a corner, like vultures they lean in

Her only task is to pick one and then they all fall back

Can she, will she, must she really

Sweat cascades down her face, she is in a panic

She was doing just fine constantly on the run

Why now, why must she make a choice

She knows it’s time to stop the running

Time to stop the meaningless chase

The dice are in hand but, will she throw them?

She knows the meaning of the thrust

It symbolizes her letting go of the power,

 Which she so dearly loves and cherishes

She crunches, her belly aches,  this is a painful experience

It has been an easy and merry journey thus far,

Her only concern was herself, why must it change

She knows she needs a companion but she is afraid

Afraid of the choice she may make, will it be right?

History has shown she has never really been the best judge of charterer

Why can’t she just meander past this point, stress sets in

She paces back and forth, why is this so difficult

The power was her comforter, her shield from reality

Must this really be the end of her reign of terror

She is very unsettled, the acidity in her body rises

Then she recalls the joy of being in love

Oh how she longs to be in Love, really and truly

She knows she has been living a lie            

Preaching that she is rock hard when all she longs for is to be loved

The games and the power, were all but a distraction

 She feels a wave of surety, this is what she wants

Confident all of a sudden, she is ready to take a leap of faith

She drops it all the power, the hurt, the anger she leaves it all behind

Love here she comes

Every tear drop

Today is my mother's 3 year death anniversary and well i am at that stage where i go into num lock *theoretically*.  It's technically meant to be a very emotional day with various protocol involving  a cemetery visit and all, but in reality it isn't, it's just another day and you literally forget the significance of the day until you see the date or get a reminder.

When i realized the date i felt a bit bad but honestly i didn't shed a tear my heart bleeds as something is evidently missing, but more than anything else i am angry at the fact that life is so unfair. I have been to one too many funerals this year and they give me  a headache i just can't deal with this reality why are we put on this earth to witness so many injustices? It is so heartbreaking for me that we are here on this earth waiting for either ourselves or the one's around us to be ripped from this earth.

When i cry my tears are solely for the injustice in this world and the frustrations of the reality of life, I know it profits nothing to be so negative but it is a reality we have to deal with. I am not depressed just in a different zone and writing from a different space. Every tear drop represents one thing or the other it's helpful to understand it's meaning.

A little Insight

I am a lover of power and control an admirer of people and a friend to many I have an unfulfilled desire for success and a desire for acceptance which I know I may never receive but that doesn't kill the desire. I grew up very average with a beautiful mind, no one ever really understood me as a child but that never mattered I just knew greatness lay ahead and beginnings are not as important as the endings. I have always had an unquenchable thirst for independence and I strongly feel that no one is like me and I know very few will truly appreciate all I have to offer as people always see what lies on the surface; they always look at the cover browse the chapters but never get the whole story.

The society we live in can be very superficial at times and it is very easy to jump on the wagon of being all about the front. I am learning to be content with where I am in life and endure my slow and steady journey even though everyone around me seems to be flying to their destinations. I have a more profound appreciation for the direction my life is taking and I know my destination is in sight but patience is key to truly enjoy the efforts and hard work invested. The temptation is always present to jump a few steps but I know the jump will never truly be worth it. I have learnt that the road is hard and narrow to the top but it is attainable however the fall is even easier if one is not truly worth it or prepared for the rise. At present my journey requires me to keep my feet on the ground and not lose my head (wish me luck!)

Well I don’t always have wise words to say but whatever your doing do it well and do it whole heartily that’s how I roll and I haven’t been disappointed yet. 

Pride...........

By definition it is a high or inordinate opinion of one’s own dignity, importance, merit or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing or conduct. For me it’s a state of being, I never really saw myself as a proud person but I have come to realize that I have a very high regard for myself,  but it’s a seesaw, there is an up and a downside to it, it can be very helpful and well it can be a stumbling block . Pride has been highlighted in a negative stance for a very long time when it is a pro and con in itself and simply not all bad.

Pride is good to a certain extent and past that extent it is destructive, Healthy pride goes hand in hand with your values. If you have pride in yourself as a person you have self-respect and that will always keep you on the right track in life. Pride helps you acknowledge your value as a person and will prevent you from accepting anything that you deem unacceptable, it will enable you to stand up for yourself if you believe in you. In these cases I would say pride is necessary.

On the other hand pride can be a hindrance if it prevents you from getting all you can out of life. Proud people will never reveal their true feelings or reveal their true self as they feel it is a sign of weakness, they will fight till the bitter end knowing they are wrong but their pride will never let them admit it. Such individuals lose the diamonds of life whilst busy harnessing the rocks of pride, it blinds them totally. Alternatively pride can prevent people from getting assistance that they really need and you they up struggling through life as a result.

Pride is no asset if it prevents you from living the best life possible, nor is it of any value if it has you constantly kicking yourself with regret. Pride exists in everyone the degree in which it dominates is what may differ so be smart and only use it for your own benefit and never let it become your stumbling block in life. Take control over life and don’t let pride or any other emotion short change your life, always be progressive.

Bonne Anniversaire

I love French and I took up learning French two summers ago, thus my blog title meaning Happy Birthday. Another year has dawned upon us and I must say I am very excited by the arrival of 2013. As always a week into the year I celebrate my birthday which is exciting as my year pretty much starts all at once, I get to begin at the beginning. I also get to party hard and then attempt to be serious for the rest of the year, *fingers crossed*.

I have dubbed this year “the year of definition”, as I plan to make defining decisions and choices, I will be ending a lot of unfinished chapters in my life and starting new ones, I plan to deal with emotions I have packed away too at some point. I also plan on learning the art of being decisive I more or less know what I want but I stagnate a lot without really making a decision I also stand on the fence a lot and I feel it’s time a pick a side and go with it fully. This is the main aim and task for the year I need all the help I can get.

 I started living all on my own this year, well with the little ones of course. The prospects that lay ahead feel very exciting. It is as though I have been given a fresh sheet of paper to begin writing a new story on, there is a joy and an unwavering excitement in the atmosphere, I just feel so exhilarated and positively charged at present. I not making a list of resolutions this year but I have set my goals for the year and the near future and they will be guidelines for the year, so yet again no lists to follow but there will be a definite structure to it all.

So 2013 is upon us all I wish you all the best this year and so you know I’m crazy and very human I leave you jaw dropping images from my birthday celebrations.

i danced and i danced

i had great company my girl Sue

I hate sharing but Millie is my best friend so i gladly shared  our birthday week

The party continued for more than one day...........

there was more dancing............

At the actual party we were happy it was our bday........

home boy Gore making sure i was good

Party shots eish................

Birthday Divas had a bonanza

Had my babies to make the day extra special..........

The other woman in my life Lynda my Bff