The Heartless One..............

I sometimes feel like the heartless one though I know I am not but somehow I fear I may be.

My love life has been pretty sad and basic I have only been in love once or maybe one and a half times (I say half cause the love hardly got the chance to bloom it got murdered lol!) and my heart was broken 3times.  Twice by one person my ex husband and after it took me one and a half years to leave a very toxic marriage I was free to be me, to let the real Donna blossom and it has been an amazing journey of self discovery it still is though you never really truly know yourself! During this period I have became a somewhat commitment phobe and partially anti men, the thought of compromise, sharing, caring and (oh no!) loving again is just not the way forward for me right now.

I went about the last five months working harder than ever and partying just as hard avoiding men at all costs which is pretty impossible considering they are everywhere! The curse of beauty when nursing a broken heart is one so unbearable, how you can heal or move on with men coming at you and all you can think” is you’re all the same “is impossible! My first reaction was just brush guys off with an “I don’t need you” attitude which worked for about a month then I got the title of man hater then I had to sit myself down and tell myself to chill out and stop being so angry and just flow. Step two was just flowing kicking it with everybody and just being cool which was apparently misleading because apparently if you’re nice to guys you’re giving them hope for a future (seriously guys there is hope when I say there is). Step three was create boundaries, after learning you can’t just kick it with everyone as you might be leading them on, so in this step I was very chilled and very selective about who I spent my time with and guess what (guys had something to say about that too) So now I’m at my current position where I’m like you know what “WHATEVER!” people are never happy so screw you I’m going to do me and if you get offended go die cause I can’t live my life to please anybody but me and God off course.

This stance is where the heartless one comes in and honestly I don’t really care if I am the heartless one because this is my life and I don’t need people wasting my time and positive energy and if  it makes me evil so be it, as I am on a serious no nonsense tip. I will not be too accommodating if I am not in to you then you will notice in a nice way. I think people should be free to be themselves even though people will not like who you are, it’s important to be true to you. So if you whistle at me I ain’t having that, don’t grab on me to get my attention as you may lose a limb and don’t expect me to have time for you randomly because I am not a time keeper. To all the emotional guys, yeah that is just not my thing if you whine stay the heck away from me and to all the swagalicious guys trying to step up to me feeling yourself and talking gibberish check yourself or you will lose your manhood! This is just who I am and I how I feel it’s nothing personal I just feel like I should not have to tolerate what I don’t feel like tolerating and this is Donna she is just protecting herself, hate me or love me…

The broken one

I sometimes wonder how you look at yourself in the mirror knowing what you are,

How do you live such a lie pretending to be what your not?

Smiling knowing you’re not happy with yourself pretending you know all when it’s

 just all but confusion

Thinking you have a plan when you’re just aimlessly gliding by life

You’re broken and you won’t face it nor will you fix yourself

Life is not as bad as you see it to be, you don’t have to keep digressing

Stop with the jealousy and envy it’s only eating you up at the core

Don’t look at what your not focus on what you are and build yourself up

Stop trying to bring everyone down to your level so you feel good about yourself

Give up the act that you’re trying to sell, just admit you’re broken and fix yourself

Arise, arise, I beg you stop being as the dead, lifelessly living, have you no emotion?

Where is the life in you, why are you so numb, can’t you feel a thing?

Is there a desire within you for this beautiful life?

Do you see the awesome beauty of this amazing earth?

Or is anger and presumed injustice blinding you

Oh! Is there any hope for your broken spirit will you live at peace with yourself?

It saddens me to see you in this state but I am lost for actions

My love for you wastes away as you only repay me with evil

I never loved you for a return so it really doesn’t bother me

I just wish you wouldn’t waste away in jealously and envy

I wish you would embrace this beautiful life and live!

For you’re special not just in my eyes but in the eyes of the creator

It kills me

It kills me to know I gave you my all with no expectations and you took it
Not to love me, but to have me, use me and to feel good inside
It kills me remembering all my sacrifices, how I murdered myself to please you
It kills me how you failed to love me even though only small things mattered to me
My heart aches as I recall every injustice I was served at your hand, I almost die again


It kills me that your selfishness and ego stops you from loving our kids

 It kills me that you are missing the joys of parenting, for no real reason
It kills me that my fondest memories are from days of old and cold
It kills me that you don’t see your faults or try and better yourself
It kills me that those close to you lead you astray


It kills me that you never saw how I cared and wanted only the best for you
It killed me that you only saw wrong in me, always highlighting my imperfections
It killed me to say good bye to walk away from all I knew and built
It killed me to stop the vision before it was realised, it killed me to leave
It killed me that you could never own your actions and be a man

It kills me that you will miss my love that I always gave freely

It kills me that that I can not shelter you from the coming storms
It kills me that I will forever have scars from loving you with my all
It kills me that you think you did all right, and hide from each call

It kills me that the shreds of my heart adorn your garden
it kills me that that my love was your lust
it kills me that I allowed your covet' to eclipse my mind
it kills me that my imagination ignored your intentions

It kills me that you don’t see any of this and you blindly walk about proudly
It kills me that you think this is but just a game or rather a battle for victory
It kills me that you don’t know you have lost me for good,
It kills me that they all say she will be back soon, when my return will never come

It kills me to say goodbye but for happiness I must try

My Love

From first sight he struck me, never before had I felt chills in my bones like this
His beauty and his physic had totally left me amiss
Overwhelmed and overcome by attraction like never before
As I smiled he smiled back and my blood rushed back & forth as though I’d die
Snap out of it, I surely must but my feet take me in just for a gentle thrust
I’m sorry I say with a devilish but sincere smile, I must control this lust

His number I have, and on this stud I have made an impression
Crazy and forbidden it may seem, but here I am hoping a love would bud
And bud it does, the conversation so stimulating I was in awe that such existed
An exciting friendship and romance ensues

In my mind a song, a song of waterfalls in the plush and flow A song never heard or sang, a song so melodic harmony so real so unchartered
like fire-flies set for eternal bliss my endless love
my infinite ecstasy my aphrodisiac he was

Never one to be so easily moved but this was a flow I had no control of
This was the quintessence of what I call love the skeleton the embodiment of love
It blossomed on its own with every advance so natural and so fulfilling
I rediscovered myself I felt like a woman again, enthralling, exquisite beautiful & enchanting
Was this real or was I in a trance, should I wake up from this reverie
The chemistry we shared oh so explosive like nothing I’ve ever experienced

Suddenly the love disappeared the irresistible feelings of affection died
Our love faded, I saw it leave the room as quickly as it came in
I was in denial every moment was too real and too true to see end
“My love don’t walk away” I pleaded but he had turned his back and walked on
I could hear his good bye, gone with the tumult, all that’s left for me is to resign
Distraught deranged and broken was my state
He took my appetite with him I had no desire to live
Could I continue with this would I be able to find a way back into my lover’s heart?

I pulled myself together, long and painful it was motivated by only the love we shared
The memories of what we had fuelled me it was real and I had hope
To reignite our passion and get back the love I had become accustomed to
I can still hear the nightmarish passions, I shake my head so vigorously just to let go
To let go of the hurt which, like harsh meteorites pounces on my isolated heart

I know the moon won’t come down, no it won’t!!
At first it was awkward, excruciating even embarrassing
But I know with Venus ascending, a shout and a leap of joy shall soon see light in me

Her (a poem by Tintswalo Tina Mphahlani}

My bosom is bare and my feet peak through the sheet
Although it is cold my tears give me heat
I watch him dress up, from his socks to his shirt
I remain still, I am not to speak of my hurt
Another day another dollar, is what my mama always said
He now takes his jacket and swiftly looks back at the bed
He turns to leave as if he never came
As if the love we made was not good enough, am i to blame?
I still lay here thinking about our previous nights
From the love to the unless bickering and fights
But he always returns and he does me good
Although this morning it did not feel like it should
He said it was the day he was going to finally leave HER
Apart from it all his as noble as the queens sir
But i cannot shake this feeling, this feeling of uncertainty
So i try to block out my moment of insanity
He said he loved me, why else does he always return?
I'm freezing now and my tears burn
But yet i wait, cold like an animal with no fur
Then i realise it, its me he left....... I’m that HER

Butterfly Metamorphosis by R.i.O (Rutendo Denise)

“What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning”.- Anon
The rebirth, new life and resurrection emerging out of the moist and suppressed cocoon… The Holometabolous insect emerges gracing sun, rain and moon. Butterfly metamorphosis personifying your, their and my soul… An holistic transformation relinquishing self inflicted doubt and cognitive societal control. Beauty unparralled displayed in conspicuos fluttering flight… Alluring, dalmated, you are your own light. We are agents of pollination, sucking on the sweet nectar of progressive change… Take time to rest and acknowledge the beauty nature and Christ arrange. The rebirth of your life emerging from a moist, suppressed cocoon…

Butterfly metamorphosis, spread your wings, take to the skies and soar like a hot air balloon!

The ugly truth!

Right this is my controversial blog been dying to vent so here goes nothing; the ugly truth is the truth no one bothers to tell you before you enter a marriage or relationship. I am here to shed some light upon this crazy thing called love and its mother relationships. Firstly it’s all generally bull (everything you think you know is nonsense delete immediately) love isn’t easy, natural and unfailing it’s the most complex emotion and feeling you will ever come across. There is so much second guessing you may develop a split personality and a relationship is the absolute sanity test. I was once told if you haven’t contemplated killing him you ain’t been in love (so true, I had a list of alibis too).

Love will test your selflessness and your ability to compromise, your negotiating skills will be tested and your capability of co- existing with another (the ultimate test). Honestly not all love is true and sincere and worth dying for (please note). It is a risk, a two way risk there is no guarantee that you will be loved as much as you love or be cherished as much as you may cherish absolutely nothing is set in stone it’s all just a leap of faith or rather hope. You will get hurt at least once in your life so brace yourself for it, it is an experience you can not avoid and should experience at least once. (This is the truth) Love doesn’t always make sense and there will be times where you will be totally winded and confused it’s all a part of relationships.

Love and relationships are not all bad there will be really amazing moments that you need to embrace and cherish, as those memories will get you through the bad times. The one decision you will have to make right now is what you can tolerate and what you can’t and let those be your guidelines. You should never compromise for the sake of peace as you will only compromise yourself and the trend will continue. Know now what is good, bad and unforgivable and always outline these things from the very beginning of your relationship. These are a few tips and there are more but for now I will end here. Don’t be afraid of love but be smart about it. You can not avoid it forever or run from it so just try and learn along the way it is an experience you can not afford to miss out on.

A Poem By Tintswalo Tina Mphahlani

•  
  It kills them...
  
  I heard of this girl once, she drowned in her sorrow
  
  It is said that she could not bear to see another tomorrow
  
  She cried and cried, not a river nor a sea
  
  She cried an ocean that could swallow you and me
  
  
  
  Some say she was depressed and rocked herself insane
  
  Others say that she could not stand the rain
  
  They all say she spoke to trees and danced with the breeze
  
  No matter their ridicule and mockery, she remained at ease
  
  
  
  She would listen to the grass and whisper to its roots
  
  She replied back to all the owls’ hoots
  
  No one was really sure what was with this dame
  
  But none wanted their children near her; they called her a chaotic flame
• 
   The thing they said; that scared them all
  
  She never put her head down, she walked proud and tall
  
  They tried all that they could but she never did budge
  
  They made her look like a fool, but the girl held no grudge
  
  
  
  They all say the same thing, ‘she drowned in her sorrow’
  
  They all agreed it’s because she could not bear to see tomorrow
  
  But I ask them why, a girl seemingly so happy would cry?
  
  No one could answer me; no one even dared to try
  
  
  
  I heard of this girl once, but she did not drown in her sorrow
  
  The truth is she was really keen on meeting tomorrow
  
  They say she drowned, I say it was murder first degree
  
  Why? Because she was everything they could never be.