2011

This is by far the hardest year I have had to live through the challenges and experiences I endured were some of the greatest I have seen in my life, but here I sit at the end of a hard year with an optimistic outlook for the coming year ahead!

This year was one of realisation for me, I finally removed my blinkers and saw the world for what it was and experienced its realities. This year I began the year, the usual boring way with a magnificent firework display but with no excitement, a week later on my birthday I was alone which was very unusual but I guess a pretty good and accurate indicator of what the year ahead had in store for me. The year proceeded to suck on new levels I endured a great deal of emotional pain this year, my heart broke to the point where it felt as though it lived on the exterior and experienced the harshness of the outside world, I made greave attempts to be ok but I found myself so uncomfortable that I was brought to one of the greatest decisions to make in my life!

I experienced betrayal on so many levels and learnt many hard lessons, It was not all bad I learnt how to trust myself and make real decisions on my own, I changed my career and I started projects that ignited the sparks  that now fuel me. I chose to not let my experiences define me even though on some days they did overwhelm and I had gloomy days where I wallowed in self pity but I am glad to say there weren’t many days like that. This year I found myself,  I might have been hidden under a pile of dirt, none the less I have found myself and I’m getting my act together and I look forward to the year ahead and all it has to offer, I do know that 2012 is my year!!!

I wish you all a prosperous and blessed 2012!!happy new year enjoy the fresh start!

The realities of loss!

Death is something I have great difficulty with, some would say  i have an inhumane way of dealing with loss. Loss  of loved ones affects us all differently with me I just shut down so I don’t feel the actual pain nor do I deal with the realities of it, typical avoidance. This reaction is not very productive I am told as I am not dealing with how I feel and the emotions I’m bottling up will catch up with me. But in general when people I die I feel like it is surreal and I kind of stop caring, I feel abandoned and I think for the first month I am just angry.

I remember when my dad died I was sixteen and I had never spent more than two hours with him alone in my life and here he was dead, before I got the chance to know him before I enjoyed the joys of having a father!  We always live life thinking we will have a chance later to fix the wrong things but the moment you realise that that opportunity is gone your world spirals out of  control! I went cold I didn’t know how to deal with what happened how do I comprehend that my dad is gone? It was easier to erase the few memories and pretend he had just gone off as usual this is how I dealt with my dad’s death.

 Two short weeks later my granny my dad’s mum died and she was my mother I lived with her my whole life then she died!!!!This loss I couldn’t ignore my life was altered forever my support plucked away from under me, I was lame and I felt utterly desolate. Every memory revolved around her I hardly left her we were inseparable; I was my granny’s child. The loss of a parent cuts deeper than anyone can understand because you never get over it! It’s been six years now since my granny departed but there have been numerous moments when; I have needed her, when I knew her wise counsel would have got me through the day, when her disapproval would have changed my actions when her absence was undoubtedly noticed! I have accepted that she is no longer here but I know when I need her and I miss her and I always acknowledge those feelings, I guess I have handled my granny’s death in a better way.

After my granny died a few years later I decided to fix my relationship with my estranged mum and three short years later she too died on me! This sucked even though it was 5 years after my granny died I felt victimised! Death drains me I think mostly because it’s the one thing we have absolutely no control over we can’t anticipate it no matter what we cannot adequately equip ourselves to deal with it. I personally hate death but unfortunately it’s the one constant thing in life we all will face loss and eventually even I will die but knowing this doesn’t enable me to accept it. Loss is a sad reality that I think will take an entire lifetime for people to deal with in their own various ways but I think people all need time to deal with grief in their own way! people always try and impose grief on others telling you to cry others telling you to be strong and not cry, I think people should grieve freely in their own way and in their own time and all we can do is be there  in support silently and be there in case we are needed but never enforce our presence.

Mommy Issues

Yup I got these too but I must admit these are not as bad as the daddy ones! Well the story goes that my mum left me at the tender age of one or my dad took me away from her at that tender age I’m not really sure how it went however that all just wasn’t cool. My mom I remember first seeing when I was 5 then 8 then 12 and then 14 these were ages I went on holidays to visit my mum as a child.

Now a mother is essential in a girl’s life as this is who she will relate herself too and receive all the love and affection she needs, I see this with my daughter I am her reassurance I’m the one that must always be present in a way I’m her security she knows I’ll never leave her and children need that! Unfortunately I never had that as a result I grew up very insecure and unsure, unsure of who to turn too who had my best interests at heart and who would be consistent in my life. This resulted in many panic attacks as a child as I would be very emotionally overwhelmed as I had no one to talk too or no one would help me deal with the situations I faced. I learnt to be there for myself from young and I learnt not to rely on people ever, or to be too hopeful and always expect the worst. This is not the ideal way of going through life as a child but it certainly is not the worst. I always hoped and prayed to live with my parent I dreamt of it many times but I never stopped living my life to wait for it to happen I was realistic as well.

Every time I saw my mum we clicked so well it was as though time had never passed while we were away! While we had great times together it didn’t stop me from being angry and bitter never towards but in my heart, I could never understand why she would be without me if she adored me so much! But I knew my mum was the one of my two parents that I actually had hope of building a relationship with emotionally. She seemed emotionally available but evidently scared though, from a realistic point of view both my parents were incapable of taking care of my sister and I, I knew I was better of living with my grandparents but one always wants some form normality. My relationship with my mum as I got older evolved I loved her she loved me but she was never prepared to give me explanations to let me know how I ended up living with my grandparents and I was never prepared to  listen to her or trust anything she said.

When I was 18 my sister and I brought our mum to Harare to live with us and for her to get to know her grandchildren. I worked with my mum and my sister lived with her. I forged a good relationship whilst working with my mum but I could never get myself to fully trust her it was a work in progress situation but we got on well I let her into my life and we only ever had one fight! I enjoyed having a mum in my life it wasn’t easy as I was accustomed of being alone in this world now I had a mother I had to take care of and at times I must admit I would be angry and bitter and feel why I should I take care of her when she never extended the same courtesy to me. But I would get over it and take care of her the hardest thing was that we could never deal with the issues we had and move forward I hate unanswered questions or brushing things aside I like dealing with stuff and moving forward. Some things never happen as we would like three short years later my mum died and so did all my answers.

Daddy issues!!!!

Yes I got daddy issues loads of us do but fortunately mine didn’t send me to the pole, well maybe that’s only because we don’t have any decent poles around to work on, jokes.

So like many I never lived with my father, he was a master of the disappearing act, now for most girls we need our daddy’s love and attention as through him we see all men and I mean all men! Now as a child I always longed to spend time with my dad regardless of how rarely I saw him I was always excited as ever to have him around unfortunately the excitement was one sided my father was set in his single ways his priorities were always having a good time when he came to visit I had exactly 5 minutes to play catch up and most of the time it was just me talking away then he was off to drink with the guys and so on.

Now being brushed aside has never been a pill I swallowed easy as a child so I’d follow him around until I got chased away which was even worse! Now this caused me to become needy attention wise, I grew up craving attention seeking out approval and wanting people to need me and find me invaluable in order for me to feel worthy or happy (I still suffer from these today). When I look back now I can even see my relationship with God was flawed cause of my daddy issues as I always saw God as a man and well like with all men I felt I didn’t ordinarily deserve to be loved without proving my worthiness and now with God he knew all my faults and I always felt inadequate as I couldn’t fool God he knew it all and thus there was a certain distance or incomplete faith in my walk with God as I felt unworthy of his love and grace as he knew I was imperfect so I always saw God as the judge just waiting to read me my rights and sentence me to hell, so this was a disaster but Gods grace and love delivered me from that disillusion.

With my relationships I was the ever serving girlfriend I mothered all my boyfriends waited on them hand and foot and I always had to make myself perfect, I never really competed with other girls I had an idea of what perfect was and I strived to epitomise my ideology. This insured my invaluableness in the relationship but it didn’t eliminate my fear of rejection, as at times I ended a relationship under the pretence of being bored but I just didn’t want to face rejection. I avoided heartbreak throughout my teens using this strategy till I fell in love and in this relationship I managed to get my heart broken twice at the hand of one man. No matter how hard you build yourself to be confident and secure if you have under lying issues like mine they tend to have a great impact on your life as we feed off a lot from our subconscious thoughts in our lives.

Knowing I have daddy issues has helped me come to terms with the fact that, I did nothing wrong to deserve rejection so early in life and that I am worthy of love, knowing this doesn’t mean I fully believe it as it takes time to alter a mindset but I have taken a step forward in the right direction and hopefully there will be a time when I’m ok with not being perfect and allow myself to just take life as it comes and not always expect the worst.

Taking a stand!

In life for those of us that are fortunate enough, we receive warning bells these are usually your gut feelings and those of us that don’t trust ourselves enough to heed the bells of warning tend to ignore them and what happens is they get louder until they become feelings of discomfort and at this point you can no longer ignore them. This is because you become uncomfortable and you feel the urgency to make a change and fix things!

Usually when you get to this point you have damage control to deal with as you have been ignoring yourself for a long period of time. I have reached such a point where the feelings of discomfort are so intense, that I cannot ignore them, to the point where they are bursting out of me negative and positive alike. Upon reviewing the source of this I have discovered that I have always taken the steps that people won’t take, I have always put myself out there and I have always been the bigger person (ok well at least most of the time I do try) but my problem is I’m tired! I cannot always be the one putting myself out there hurting myself and giving away all of me and my energy to the point of depletion. Relationships are two ways, and by relationships I mean all mother and child, friendships etc they are all relationships, you both have to put work in them and manage them like a bank account!! You don’t just make withdrawals without deposits otherwise you’re in the red!!! Likewise with your relationships you don’t just take without giving!!!!! I am at a point where I feel it’s necessary to TAKE A STAND and put me first as nobody else will and I will not forgive myself if I don’t take time and be me truly fully and 100% me with no impositions!!! I am taking a stand for me!