The road to Authenticity

I am learning to love growth its messy and confusing but its liberating too, I nearly made the mistake of claiming to have been going around in circles and dealing with the same demons as before but I noticed a change a small but relevant change in me.

I deal differently now and I respond in new ways. I used to struggle with confrontation and speaking up for myself, i would go into actual stress mode because i did not want to create tension and sadly

 i would go unheard. Im glad this has changed i still hate having uncomfortable conversations but its imperative to speak my mind now more than ever, i used to coast and squeeze myself into uncomfortable spaces just to keep the peace im so glad that's not me anymore.

Every day I see an old layer of me on the floor and I throw it in the bin. I am a vulnerable and honest person that's unafraid of being herself even though it causes me hurt and pain and i get told often im too much or I do too much but its me, all i can do with this life is be me even if noone in this world understands me or appreciates me at this stage the biggest loss would be to hide my light so others can shine. I also had to start setting boundaries as I realised I had none which is something I don't think I was consciously aware of I had been people pleasing for so long and hustling for worthiness that I had totally allowed people to come and go in my life as they pleased and stopping this has been a very hard adjustment for all to accept, but very necessary.

The road of authenticity, i have been on the quest of self discovery and acceptance and love and my new favourite term is authenticity. For me its important to honour my reasons for being on this earth and for being whom God created me to be, I  want to consistently be me, every version you encounter of Donna- Ray should be genuine and should allow you to be the real you without fear of judgement. This is the goal i am working towards and the task is unlearning everything I was taught and removing all the negative declarations on my life which is a fair amount of never ending work.it also means I am constantly evolving and I am constantly work in progress but I'm exited about this process as it unapologetically me.

My diamonds be bold, be courageous and shine as bright as you can even in the darkness and it will always be dark before the light comes. I love you and care for you all.be bold, be brave and be authentic ❤️ 

2020

Just the title alone gives me a wave of emotions but we could never write this year off as terrible entirely. It's the year I learnt to be alone and whole. The lessons I learnt this year are so numerous and I am grateful for them. The last four years had me going at full speed non stop and the initial stall of 2020 was a welcomed stillness. I got a moment to slow down and digest the last few years. What a much needed change in pace, in life until it dragged on for nine months OMG! I got a little restless and took a weekend off of my quarantine life and what a mistake it was! After being a good and compliant citizen I went to an event or three and boom the worst that could happen happened! Unbelievable it was like falling pregnant after an experiment all over again!

I am grateful to be alive and to be able to breathe with ease in thirty years I have never had to focus on the small blessing but this year I did . I managed to reflect on my life my weakness' and strengths and give myself a break because it has been a pretty good life. There is always room for improvement but truly I have fought a good fight.

I caught a virus that killed my friends and family and I was fortunate to come out of it unscathed and for this battle I am extremely grateful to have won. I learnt working from home is an easy ten kilogram weight gain and I also learnt my home can double up as a gym too. I learnt to love my vegetables for their life saving qualities before I needed them to save my life, again only God prepares you for the unseen in such a way and for this I am grateful. This year my kids surpassed me in foot size and height and realised I am indeed about to be the smallest in my family or at least the shortest how crazy is that! Again I am so grateful for their lives and health and how their personalities are developing, I can safely say the next few years are set to interesting and entertaining for me.

I have learnt the value of small circles and building my tribe, a party of 8 is the most fulfilling these days.I have observed alot and really just chilled like never before. I have learnt to honour my mind for the strong machine it is and appreciate how its kept me going always. I honour my body for its unending strength I remember being called a V8 engine when I was young today I appreciate that title alot more. I have learnt to listen to me to honour my desires and to lift my spirits. I learnt to let go because so much doesn't matter any more and I felt the comfort and freedom of forgiveness of how much lighter I am now.

This has been a good year not because it was easy but because the warrior in me got the opportunity to shine. It was a great year because I passed many tests and I know from here on I am fully capable of all I set out to do and of conquering any difficulties I may face. Gaining confidence in my ability to take on life knowing it isn't easy is the blessing I have gained in 2020 and is how I will deal with all that comes my way in 2021!

Cheers to happy new year! May 2021 pleasantly surprise us all!