Sparky............

So I have had the worst insomnia for close to five years now (it's now such a part of me and my lifestyle). In actual fact insomnia is how I began writing. So as I lay sleepless at times like these the silence and peace of mind allows me to share my thoughts and like them my fears.  

I have extensively discussed loss here as it has been one of the realities I have been forced to deal with in my life. However the most disturbing sequence of events has had me burying my friends and peers. This by far has been the most anguishing experience.  You never think the friend you once shared a desk with in class and have kinda lost touch with is the one friend you would be forced to say goodbye to before being given the opportunity to catch up.

Conversations remain incomplete and the dreams and plans you shared are the gut wrenching reminder of how unfair life can be. Again death has angered me so with its injustice with its unfair theft of the young. The future is being pulled out from under us, mothers and father's burying children they hoped would bury them, siblings sayig goodbye to friends they needed to get through the good and bad days. The broken hearted are increasing, sadness becomes the reality as loss continues its onslaught on the future.

I lost my baby sister a few years ago and this has been by far one of the most disturbing losses I have ever experienced, to the point where I got fungus from the inability to understand how a 13 year old beautiful girl full of life, with such a bright future ahead could have her life taken away. At 13 she had one of the most unfair exits to life and many times I wish she had been given the grace to live a little longer. I often wish I had the opportunity to tell her she was loved or the chance to change her life. The helplessness I felt when she passed was indescribable, nothing I could do would change her fate no money, power or ability could stop it. No warning or preparation came either just the sad end that was forced down my throat.

I will never understand why, I can never fully accept how this is a necessary experience.  All I know is that life is tragically unfair and it is ever so important to let the ones you love and care for know that you care and love them deeply. Simply because we may get to the point where it's too late to say  ....

The Cataracts

My title is metaphorical  and I will need you to bear with me on this blog as it's been a while since I expressed myself. *deep sigh of disappointment* I have been telling myself that I have writers block and considering my writing experience hasn't been that much for such experiences,  I think I could be wrong.

Anyways onto my story,It appears that I have been so engrossed with my life, that I have not had the time to share my experiences.  However this could be wholely attributed to the simple fact that I have been in the process of discovery or understanding. To go through a few of the discoveries I am referring to;

I can sadly confirm I am still an angry woman and forgiveness is such a demanding process! that I fully understand why so many choose the path of bitterness and unforgiveness. Unfortunately for  me I want to stick this  one out and be a happy whole woman again.

Forgiveness class in session, what I have learnt is that with forgiveness you need to fully understand what has been done to you, and in full knowledge of this make a conscious decision to let it go. The impossible part right! For me definately right.  I am the person who feels that wrongs should be rightly dealt with and that justice must be served always and whilst being of that mindset I also feel that I deserve fair chances in life and I must be forgiven.

Who is the hypocrite now! Yes it's true I am riding the fence now I have my work cut out for me. My journey of forgiveness is one of discovery and intense hurt but it is necessary for me to look back and understand how I hurt people too, and how in as much as I am forgiven, I must do the very same for others. The difficult part for me is in full knowledge, looking beyond situations.

In conclusion a cataract is the clouding of the eye lens. This is an occurance for the elderly mostly. But what I have related this to is that with age we get wisdom, knowledge and understanding which is why when your older you develop a cloud that affects your vision,  which is equivalent to us learning to cloud out the hurt and letting go of the pain and moving on hopefully this can begin before we get older. The message is let love rule and invite cataracts into your heart to help you let go of situations.

Stop Xenophobia

I might not be a South African

But I’m black, my skin is the same as yours

My colour is the same as yours

My genes are African, nothing but African

When your leaders were beaten by whites

I was there to shelter them

I was patient with them

I offered them food, shelter,

Most of all, I offered them protection

I might be a South African

I can’t speak Zulu, cause I’m Vhenda

I can’t speak Zulu, cause I’m Shangaan

I don’t know what an elbow is in Zulu

As much as you don’t know it in my language

Since when was Zulu the only South African language?

Yes……………I’m not from Gauteng

I was not born here, but I’m South African

Where should I go if you beat me

I’m not beating your father, mother, brother or sister who works at my area in the mines

I’m not calling them makwerekwere though they can’t speak my language.

I might be dark in complexion

I might have the foreigners looks

I might have the foreigners body structure

Now I am scared to go to the only place that I call home

I’m scared of working down the street without my ID

Whites wanted me to do that centuries ago

Now you, my black brother is acting white

Why should you Black South Africans do this?

What makes you think that you better than me?

Who told you that I’m responsible for your unemployment?

Who told you that I’m less human

If I need to go back to Vhenda……..let all the Zulus go back to KZN

Let all the Tswana’s go back to Botswana

Let all the Sotho’s go back to Lesotho

Let all the Ndebele’s go back to Kwandebele

Let all the Xhosa’s go back to Eastern Cape

Yes…………let all the Swati’s go back to Swaziland

Is this not ignorance?

Your unemployment is your responsibility

Use your intellect

Get up and work

Let education empower you

Seek humanity

Before 1994 you blamed whites

Now you are blaming me

Who are you going to blame after chasing me away?

Who are you going to blame after killing me?

For what it’s worth…………………..

I’m sorry I was not born here

I’m sorry I can’t speak Zulu

I’m sorry for being too dark for your Joburg

I’m sorry for cleaning the toilets you don’t want to clean

I’m sorry for doing your garden

I’m sorry for repairing your shoes

I’m sorry for protecting your leaders while they were in Exile

Yes…………………what you call Exile………..is my country

And most of all…….I’m sorry for building South African infrastructure

Please my brothers let there be peace and prosperity amongst black African people.

Written by a Teary Black African ………………….Onica

Love Notes

I can't un-miss you no matter how hard I try
I can't un-think you and pretend you ain't on my mind
I can't un-do your touch
I can't un-feel that much
There are some things i just dont know how to do
I can't un-love you

We have been through everything there is, through the laughter and the tears
We have seen through trials that test our faith who would have know it would turn out to be years.

Before you, I can't remember what I used to be
Before you, I can't imagine needing anyone more than I need thee

You were the one who spoke the fear away
You were the one who chose me - and you chose to stay

Who would have known it would be you.
I know for sure Inever knew it would be You.
I'm so glad it was you....

A dear Love lost - fiction

She is dropped to her knees in agony, her heart is pounding, head throbbing and she cannot hear a thing. Tears stream from her eyes but her lips were incapable of moving. In her head a thousand scenes play, but the main and only question remains why?


Why now?  Why him? Why her? Why………. Why……. Why……. She was snapped out of her grief by a doctor asking for her final decision. Her thoughts raced once more; her head throbbed in agony. Why does she have to deal with all this now and why must she?  Nothing in her 29 years on the earth prepared her for this moment.  Seeing see had gone distant again the doctor gently seated her and gave her some water. Her trembling shattered the glass on the floor. I am so sorry for your loss ma’am; I need you to give me your deceased husbands wishes, is he to be buried or cremated?


The tears were not relenting she was overwhelmed.  In a whisper she managed to utter take him to the mortuary I cannot cremate him. Was this the end? A love that was musical that gave her waves of joys in an instant was over. No more partnership and support. No more sharing of sad movies and board games. Her best friend and teacher had abandoned her. For nine years she had built the strongest bond with her Troy and now he is being wheeled off to a mortuary lifeless!  This cannot be it; this can't be life isn't there something she could do or say or give to get this ill fate reversed?


Down she went again on her knees after trying to follow to the mortuary. Where was she going?  What was she doing? The children? Should she get them? How on earth would she tell them that their father was no more? In that moment she blacked out. Thankfully, the doctors got hold of Troy's parents after managing to bring Amber too. Troy’s parents arrived thirty minutes later beside themselves with grief. Completely ill prepared they were disarmed at the mess, Amber their only daughter in law was in. On her knees in the corner she resembled a little girl in deep and immense suffering. Rita picked her up and embraced her, she prayed for strength for her family. None of them were prepared for this ill fate. In that moment in the hospital room theirs lives were altered forever..........

The Universe~ I want a man

I want a man who knows his worth without being arrogant or too proud,
A gentle kindred spirit with heart so pure he stands out from the crowd,
One who knows when to speak and when to seek silent contemplation,
One who won’t have tantrums, retreat and shut down in childish vexation.

He has to know the value of a supportive relationship and total fidelity,
But I don’t care if he’s never heard of Einstein or the laws of relativity.
He has to accept that he’s not perfect but be open minded and keen to learn,
Not to sweat the small stuff but when appropriate show his concern.

Physical attraction is necessary but he doesn’t need muscles like Tarzan or film star looks,
Inner strength and beauty are far more important in my books.
I want a man who knows the value of a hug or a cuddle and just simply being still,
One who won’t feel threatened by my independence, want to control or crush my will,

One who enjoys the changing seasons and appreciates the simple things in life,
Will defend himself but not be confrontational and thrive on conflict and strife.
This Adonis must be honest and compassionate and willing to help the poor,
Religion not essential but he must have knowledge of his Creator and not bring evil, spiritual or physical, to our door,

He must know how to dress but I don’t mind if he’s had a tough life and his childhood was rough,
As long as his heart isn’t hardened, he’s willing to ditch his baggage and deal with his personal stuff.
He must love his mother; his family and I should be one of the most important things in his life,
And I don’t want to be his one foot in one foot out lover either – I want to be his woman.

For this man I will bring to the table all that a good supportive life partner can be,
I will not stalk him but I’ll be behind him, ready to support and hold my king up for all to see,
Not mothering him but so we can grow together side by side each day and make a formidable team,
Then strong we will surmount life’s obstacles with me.......