The Scars of a broken heart (1)

The heart is something so amazing not only does it keep us alive it also takes us through the greatest risk ever which is love. The greatest risk I say simply because once you have been hurt you are altered for life, the heart can withstand many stabs of pain in any relationship and endure pain but once it has been broken the scar shows forever.

I look back and see my break up in slow motion, first we stopped talking for over a year it used to kill me then I taught myself to deal with it I learnt that silence was golden, it did trample me not being able to share my days experiences, the kids growth and development and anything in general but I had to try and be strong I had to prove stronger than the mind game at play. From silence it went to being undermined, being left out of major decisions and changes at first I would blow up and make a big fuss or fight until I saw I was just playing into his hands, I wised up a bit and I learnt not to react it killed me inside but I had to. At this point I realized something was amiss love was not meant to be such a struggle upon this realization my decline began.

It all became crystal clear and it stung like a thousand bee stings, the fact that you no longer hold the key to a heart you once owned.  When the love of your life is no longer able to look you in your eyes or stand your very presence, when you are made to feel uncomfortable in the very home you built. This destroyed me on all levels I started losing weight I was very distracted and generally unhappy, I made grave attempts at winning back his love but my spirit was not resting. I became an insomniac I couldn't sleep I was just not at ease, I had to do something I had to leave the situation was killing me but I didn't want to surrender and give up on something I spent so long working at, the injustice the world was serving me was of an unbearable magnitude it was surreal as though I was living a nightmare.

It was difficult I was in a delirium I felt this couldn't be happening I did everything right I was hard working, every day I would look for a ray of hope to make me stay I kept feeling for a pulse in the marriage and there was a constant flat line. I forced myself to face reality and I began my preparations to leave it took a long three months but I had to be sure I had to leave with no doubt this was the only solution. Every day of those three months a part of me would die, I was being drained having to push forward with everything I had and then be shattered every evening. This was a fight that tested the strength of my heart and will power, the toll will forever leave marks, marks I see clearly but I am unable to make disappear. 

Motherly Pains

My son broke his hand the other day and I just discovered the most horrid part of being a mother, it’s when you see your child in pain and there is nothing you can do to ease it. I have never felt so hopeless before, I know the flu is a pain and we worry but having your child shriek your name in utter pain is heart shattering. You don’t know whether to grab your child and cradle him or let the doctors help him, nothing prepares you for this experience but eventually you calm down (after some Valium)

Anthony broke his hand flying off swings at school

I was sat beside my son in his first hospital bed since birth awaiting his first surgery ever and I was a bit proud, mostly because he said he wanted me by his side through it all and well I guess because we were going through life’s growing pains together. In  painful and intense moments like that there is love present and a memory about to be made for both of us to look back on later on in life. Motherly pains are not so painful when you sit and reflect there are a few difficult moments but when they pass and you take a moment to reflect they are crucial that’s how a mothers love for her child grows through each experience be it good or bad.

he broke both bones just below his wrist and  and displaced one bone

Motherly pains are not pleasant but we don’t have a pass for them and as such we go through them in order to master the art to being strong and well knowing when to wear a clown’s face. Children always look to their parents for strength and well we got to give them the strength they need when they need it. Parenting is a job that requires us to have super powers when necessary it all sounds crazy but it’s true our children have unfaltering faith in us. It is our job to give them the strength and faith that they need whenever they need it, even if we don’t have strength or faith. Motherly pains give birth to love and new bonds and memories so don’t fear them they are necessary.

putting on brave faces before surgery where they inserted two pins in his hand

Budding Love................

You’re so happy inside and out and you can’t wipe the grin of your face

In this moment it dawns on you that this life is actually amazing

If only time could stand still or better still could I constantly relive this moment continuously

Then again this feeling is so amazing that you might just want to live to experience what comes next

The joy you feel is indescribable you just want to run around and hug everyone

All the impulses you experienced as a child return, you’re just overwhelmed with energy

Happiness is overflowing from your cup and your skin seems to share your joy by glowing

These are the moments longed for by many and dreamt of by a hopeful soul

The rain brings tears of joy and the sunshine brings forth bliss of a new day

No season or situation alters the joy you feel when love is budding

Waves of emotions sweep through you taking you to new heights

Your bubble is so inflated and your senses are numb, a high like non other

Restlessness is your new norm ever awaiting your next encounter with your love

Butterflies are permanent residents in your belly and breathlessness like never before

A joy so innate it fills the soul and happiness so surreal to mankind

Your world has been reborn and you are flying at new heights
It’s so real you can sense the scent, you can taste the sweetness, you can touch its aura
It’s so amazing you can’t wait for the next sunrise and you wilt when it sets
It’s so real it feels like the sun is rising in the west
Your thoughts stolen, your smile undying
The courage to ride so brisk, the strength in you so illusory
Delirium, ecstasy, frenzy, bliss, your new muse

To Love or not to Love?

I love controversial topics and here is a good one, so I have put love up as a choice which is something that many will beg to differ with. However I am starting to think along the lines that love actually begins as a personal decision and I have noticed this with myself. I may not be a good example as I am dubbed heartless but anyways you can decide weather my experience is relevant or not.

I feel we make a mental decision first before we even decide to get into anything, we decide whether or not we want to love a person or not. We decide or know how far we are willing to go well in advance; we have that, is it worth it or not moment? As such I think we decide to love in as much as we decide to let a person hurt us, sometimes this all happens subconsciously and you’re not necessarily with the programme but we let it happen. In life we can do very little to determine a person’s reaction to any situation but the one thing we do have control over is our response and reaction.

Many times we let our emotions run amuck with our lives when we really don’t have to or shouldn't  Taking a minute to calm the heck down and re-evaluate things is essential, I used just go off on tangents a lot and it only damaged me. The minute I accepted the power to control my actions and reactions I did myself a world of good. Love is something we need to have a level headed approach to; I know the instinct is to just jump in, without a second thought but it works out better when we add some thought and composure to it.

 Always acknowledge that you made a decision to love and that, that decision you made, you made alone unaware of the loved ones decision. As such don’t rush in to expecting undying love in return. You chose to love and do that because it’s natural to you never expect the same in return we are all different. Love is a risk we go into it with no guarantees and if it doesn't work out such is life but if you are aware of all these factors and your expectations are minimal then your heartache will be minimal too. So be smart people fairy tales are for kids to grow up with hope but certainly not to elude adults.