If shadow work was a year it would be 2023, I have come out of this year hopeful and positive but it definitely took me on a rollercoaster ride of experiences. I can almost confess to becoming an introvert now but let's not jump into new definitions. This year started different very different I was surrounded by the future, the kids and their friends had me surrounded but I embraced it and I learned to listen and just be present to provide silent support to my kids and their roles in life. I'm glad I have healed enough to be able to support my kids and cheer them on without the need to compete with them. I love watching them grow seeing little hints of me but healthier than I ever was which makes me so proud! I love my children I truly feel that I was blessed with amazing souls that inspire me to heal and show up better every day❤️
This year my healing journey got real I sat alone,I questioned myself alot I searched my heart alot and I was alone alot. I was constantly surrounded but alone alot.healing is a huge separator we always assume a person has changed when they become more distant but now I realise that when the misery is less from deep within the company tends to get a bit meaningless. When you are clear on your purpose and you approach people with clarity and intention it's so much harder to relate with the unhealed. When you come in peace without mess and anger or personal discontentment alot of things lose value. When you cut out your numbing and you are present the noise is much louder and the escapism seems so unnecessary you feel a little lost in the world that you once knew. When you long to connect with people but realise they are all deep inside high walls of protection you give up a little.
I have given up a little on finding a soul like mine or even finding soft landing spots in life. Everyone is so caught up their personal dramas and has been hurt too much to try and genuinely love, I won't lie this year I spent alot of time inside mostly because outside is so hard. I have always been a soft hearted person and I hated it for so long because I was constantly accused of enabling people to use me. I accepted my heart more this year and I have been creating boundaries it's a slow process to all around me who lost patience with my lack of boundaries but for me it's been great growth my self- worth intrinsically has been rising slow and steady and its growth non the less. The most frustrating thing about healing is that it can't be rushed you may identify a problem and theoretically know how to solve it but until you go through the slow painful motions of healing the job isn't done. I wished I never wanted to heal, I wished I was still residing in trauma because I was more relatable I wish I was still ignorant because hanging out and chillin would be much easier, they say ignorance is bliss and they are totally right!
When your healing its like you are genuinely adulting you're so self aware and conscious of your surroundings and more observant even more able to listen but you also feel more disconnected from people especially when you identify other peoples unhealed areas and you realise no matter how much you know and understand if the other person isn't ready to heal that hurt nothing you say or do can help. So you learn to take a step back so as to allow that person to deal and if they don't deal you gotta find peace with that and let sleeping dogs lie but obviously it results in you distancing yourself from them and thus you become scarce from everyone. The greatest outcome of this year is my relationship with my children I really felt present and connected with them it's been great to have my own people that for now can't leave me lol but it's coming soon. I have become a bit of loner but I also am more intentional, in the past I was a friend by duty and obligation but now I am a friend by choice I'm more present. I feel this year was very tough and alot of my wins were intrinsic so I have very little to show but im glad I showed up and I am more myself than ever and I ride the waves of uncertainty with a bit more grace then I ever did before. Diamonds life is getting tougher as we age and grace is more scarce then ever before but let's keep our heads up and be as authentic as we can happy 2024!!
