Build it Better!!!

I always thought I loved myself dearly and that I was becoming authentic and doing right by me until I realised my addiction to narcissists. I thought I had escaped one in my ex husband but I have learnt that my abandonment issues had led me to many narcissists in various roles and forms in my life. I was surrounded by people who showed love and kindness to my face but were constantly manipulating me behind the scenes in the fear of losing me but doing things that would guarantee losing me which is truly mind baffling.

This year has really been one where I have had time and effort invested in my relationship with me and I have learnt so much. I'm starting to understanding that being silenced as a child made me silence my intuition I realised how I have struggled to voice my truth because of the need to not hurt people's feelings and in doing so I have gotten my own feelings destroyed over the years!

I honestly struggle to say I'm uncomfortable and I think it's my greatest lesson this year to bear a little discomfort in speaking my truth rather than letting resentment brew. I have seen how bad resentment brews and how it leads you to not like a person or fester in anger simply because you couldn't be disagreeable. I honestly understand the statement that if you don't deal with your childhood traumas your relationships will a bit more now. I was raised in an abusive home where words were used very carelessly and this gave me panic attacks and also led me to avoid confrontation at all costs. I was constantly sweeping all uncomfortable issues under the carpet. I realised I was the most vocal woman I know for everyone's issues in life except my very own which I found strange and this made me curious.

I was a great strong woman on the outside with a broken little girl on the inside screaming for love, attention and validation. I was unbalanced and I had to learn or I am still learning how to re-parent my inner child whilst parenting my own children which has been interesting because its three totally different individuals with totally different needs. 

In my reparenting journey I had learn to love broken me and not judge her mistakes and weaknesses it was acceptance that was key. Looking in the mirror and saying you are amazing its ok that nothing was perfect before but we have today and we can built it better! Self love can be exhausting mostly because you think you have got it right then you realise you still have little self destructive traits that lead you back to square one its constant work. It's also deep uncomfortable work too because the mind tells you your ok but you behavior shows you there are holes or blind spots that you have missed.

My point is that we are constantly growing and evolving and seem to be moving forward but sometimes we have to understand that our bad habits and traits date back to decades ago and its never too late to show yourself some kindness and patience to right a few wrongs to better yourself for tomorrow. I honestly can confess to enjoying my singleness this year mostly because it's been me time like never before. I always spent alot of time searching and running away from my singleness however this year I have sat in it and enjoyed it for its discomfort and the curiosity its stirred in me and the creativity it has brought about in my life and i have realised I'm quite an amazing person and I love my own company faults and all! You learn the good the bad and the ugly but its all you noone is perfect embrace your imperfect self regardless of what you know and love love love thy self my diamonds❤️ 

The love I never saw coming!

I always share my lessons when I can, and I think I understand myself a little more now than ever before. I think I am finally unlearning some things that the broken people that raised me ingrained in me. I'm

 

less afraid of being wrong and I'm more OK with not being liked. The first thing I want to acknowledge is how grateful I am to have been blessed with knowledge and enlightenment. It's such an honour and privilege to have a seat that my imposter syndrome likes to point out that I don't deserve on tables I'd never have imagined to sit at. To all my friends, mentors, and loved ones that have entered my life, I appreciate you all so much! Thank you.

 

The last decade has been nothing short of amazing, and I always like to say I have fully lived my 33 years on this earth because when I look back, I am totally blown away! To give you some perspective, a decade ago I drove a matchbox. I was malnourished, especially mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I was in full survival mode, not living in the present, not feeling or experiencing much. Some experiences are just a blur to me right now. I could barely afford to educate my children or feed them. My outlook on life was dim, and I could barely see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had just walked out of a seven-year marriage and threw all my security away because I wanted to be loved right!

 

At the time, many laughed at me, and very few held my hand and were prepared to walk with me. The first lesson I learnt then was that I was responsible for my choices and that I could not preempt anyone's responses or actions as a result of my choices. This was a hard lesson to learn, but I'm so glad to have learnt it young. Another lesson I learnt from being pregnant so young was to take responsibility for my actions, again, this has been such an anchoring lesson in my life, and it has spared me a lot of unnecessary pain.

 

Today the world may see me as indifferent to who I was ten years ago when I set out on a journey to find the love I deserved, but today I realise that while my relationship status is indeed single or divorced, my love life has truly flourished. I found and fell in love with myself, and it has been such a magical journey! I am learning to trust myself, travelling and dining on my own, appreciating my wins and victories, and looking in the mirror and smiling back at myself, realising we have survived so much. Considering all we have faced, and yet here we are glowing and smiling and taking each day as it comes as if we have never been disappointed or hurt before! In this discovery, I have found my peace, hope, and joy in life.

 

My greatest lesson in the last decade is that I went out to look for the love I had within. I couldn't stay in a loveless marriage because the barometer for love resided within me. The standard was set probably at birth and I couldn't and still can't accept half love because the greatest love I can experience comes from within and this is why your intuition is so important as it is the purest part of you. So if I ever share a lesson with you in life, it's this: spend time alone, listen to yourself, become one with yourself, and love yourself like your life depends on it because it certainly does! let my diamonds shine brightly from within.

2021

I started this year very afraid as I had covid and four short days into the year I lost a friend to covid,  it was debilitating to say the least.i was consumed with grief and fear and just three days later I emerged covid free and with a birthday to celebrate but I honestly felt survivors guilt. Why was I so lucky to be alive while my friend died without a child and leaving behind a beautiful fiancee? I resolved then to do better, to be better and to be worthy of my life, I sit here today happy to know I made a whole hearted attempt.

The year started on a low and so it could only go up and yes it did until it had to come down all over again like an actual rollercoaster! I guess that's life good times and bad times are constant. Death haunted me this year, I have always struggled with death in that in numbs me and takes me back to when I lost my parents. I don't know if I will ever be comfortable with death I don't know if I will ever be able to grieve without expecting another shoe to drop, but it does make me want to treasure my every breath a little more.

As always this year I dove deeper in my introspection this year and realised how I had been living my life in survival mode. Where getting by each day was the normal I was like a robot following a routine I was existing but not living! I allowed so many moments to go by without experiencing them and I realised this only because when I tried to recall why I did certain things I had no recollections of my emotions or my thought processes which was rather unsettling. I had to snap out if it , I had to breath in the air, smell the flowers and marvel at the sunsets more!

This I did very passionately, I started from with in, with my body. I fell in love with myself all over again faults and all. I fell in love with how I looked and took great pride in my body and my diet and I learnt so much about myself and how my body reacts to what I eat and how I treat it. This is where I learnt self love isn't just about loving what I see in the mirror it's about loving myself from my head to my toes, this is just a deep learning experience that I think continues constantly as you grow.

I learnt to love my hair as it is curly and messy and my face without make up I learnt to feel beautiful as the bare imperfect canvas God created me to be. It gave me so much peace and I cared less and less of what people's opinions of me were. I still love to dress up but now it's not to be seen it's just an expression of who I am. I own Donna-Ray a whole lot more these days you can see more of her character lately not just sad eyes pretending to be ok! I know I am an empath and I wear my heart on my sleeve I know that makes me very vaunerable and the users may come in droves but I love me and I love the light I bring into world and I will not allow fear to change me or make me dim my light!

I have learnt to be kinder to myself and I listen more carefully to my self talk, I hear my thoughts more clearly and I intentionally speak more kindly to myself. I have learnt to be more understanding of my choices and not hold myself to unreachably high standards and appreciate all my efforts to date 😊 I handle myself with care and protect my peace like I do my kids and for it all I am happier and understand more how much happiness is an inside job and as a result very few things steal my joy and sadness never lasts long here. So my diamonds take time to love yourself this year from your head to your toes!