Build it Better!!!

I always thought I loved myself dearly and that I was becoming authentic and doing right by me until I realised my addiction to narcissists. I thought I had escaped one in my ex husband but I have learnt that my abandonment issues had led me to many narcissists in various roles and forms in my life. I was surrounded by people who showed love and kindness to my face but were constantly manipulating me behind the scenes in the fear of losing me but doing things that would guarantee losing me which is truly mind baffling.

This year has really been one where I have had time and effort invested in my relationship with me and I have learnt so much. I'm starting to understanding that being silenced as a child made me silence my intuition I realised how I have struggled to voice my truth because of the need to not hurt people's feelings and in doing so I have gotten my own feelings destroyed over the years!

I honestly struggle to say I'm uncomfortable and I think it's my greatest lesson this year to bear a little discomfort in speaking my truth rather than letting resentment brew. I have seen how bad resentment brews and how it leads you to not like a person or fester in anger simply because you couldn't be disagreeable. I honestly understand the statement that if you don't deal with your childhood traumas your relationships will a bit more now. I was raised in an abusive home where words were used very carelessly and this gave me panic attacks and also led me to avoid confrontation at all costs. I was constantly sweeping all uncomfortable issues under the carpet. I realised I was the most vocal woman I know for everyone's issues in life except my very own which I found strange and this made me curious.

I was a great strong woman on the outside with a broken little girl on the inside screaming for love, attention and validation. I was unbalanced and I had to learn or I am still learning how to re-parent my inner child whilst parenting my own children which has been interesting because its three totally different individuals with totally different needs. 

In my reparenting journey I had learn to love broken me and not judge her mistakes and weaknesses it was acceptance that was key. Looking in the mirror and saying you are amazing its ok that nothing was perfect before but we have today and we can built it better! Self love can be exhausting mostly because you think you have got it right then you realise you still have little self destructive traits that lead you back to square one its constant work. It's also deep uncomfortable work too because the mind tells you your ok but you behavior shows you there are holes or blind spots that you have missed.

My point is that we are constantly growing and evolving and seem to be moving forward but sometimes we have to understand that our bad habits and traits date back to decades ago and its never too late to show yourself some kindness and patience to right a few wrongs to better yourself for tomorrow. I honestly can confess to enjoying my singleness this year mostly because it's been me time like never before. I always spent alot of time searching and running away from my singleness however this year I have sat in it and enjoyed it for its discomfort and the curiosity its stirred in me and the creativity it has brought about in my life and i have realised I'm quite an amazing person and I love my own company faults and all! You learn the good the bad and the ugly but its all you noone is perfect embrace your imperfect self regardless of what you know and love love love thy self my diamonds❤️