Where to start now? I guess New Year's eve is a good place to start. I was with my then beau getting tipsy in a bar with mostly strangers but happy in that moment.The happiness resonates strongly with the year. I had many unforgettable moments this year that carried me through the tough times.
My birthday the next week was awesome, a whole weekend of celebration with my friends. I was mostly surrounded, but still a little empty.
This was the first of my lessons this year, being surrounded constantly but still having a deep set loneliness that haunts the soul.
I ignored my soul I felt it never was satisfied lately always wanting more or was I running again? Had I settled without realising it? Having an outside that looked so good I ignored my most important true self? I brushed it off. Surely, I had learned. I had survived a divorce I couldn't be settling again.........
I kept moving following motions I set in place for reasons that I seemed very uncertain about but it was too late to stop. The wheel gotta keep going now right?
My son turned 13 in March OH boy!! I was never ready to be a mom to a teenager, we really need to be handed manuals after labor! The innocent loving boy that once saw his whole world in me was unrecognisable and constantly angry. I never had the joy of truly experiencing my teenage years as I became a mum young and well granny raised me so there was no time to be angry or to give attitude. When you're raised by your granny you learn to behave or, she will beat the teenage outta you! So I stayed in my lane until I got pregnant....this fact and background, is what scared me the most. This is the age where my young man is so easily influenced. I had to get back into his head and boy was this work! Letting him tell me his feelings and experiences which all seemed trivial to me at the time, but to him were big issues so I had to take a step back and try to understand without judging and giving too many blunt solutions.....this was extremely hard, I seem to have coped I think.....
I had to leave my kids this year for six weeks to fulfil a dream of mine which was to have a varsity experience. As a Mandela Washington Fellow. I got to go to one of the best business schools in America the Kellogg School of Buisness what an opportunity and experience this was for me. The exposure, information and connections I made on this trip were invaluable and the experience was amazing. I was so at home in Chicago it was so unreal. I was viewed as a latina by the locals so I felt so at home.
My time in America was purely selfish. I spent very little time focused on my life back home beyond making sure all was well. I fully immersed myself in the experience and made adventures that when I share now, show full immersion in a new experience. The major take aways from my experience were that it was OK for me not to be the smartest in a room and not to be the baddest in everything, this was a hard lesson. I won't lie I felt more inadequate than OK at the time. I learnt that I have a well adjusted personality that could settle anywhere in the world. I lived with 8 ladies and 16 gentlemen from all over Sub-Saharan Africa. It was interesting. I accepted that my self confidence really makes other girls a tad bit uncomfortable and so they were mostly guarded around me. The boys loved me so I chilled with the boys mostly and cooked for everyone. The American girls were liberal like me and we got on very well.
I was liberated by not needing to be liked and embracing my differences. I learnt to enjoy my own company and go on adventures alone. I realised the mother in me dominates, as I mothered everyone around me. I accepted that this is a part of who I am, a mother. It’s a role I have played most of my life and one I love. I gained confidence in losing it, such an oxymoron, yet a very interesting experience. The most important lesson or affirmation I got in my time away is that for someone who took a detour in life, I caught all the way up to my peers in fact I may have overtaken them.This allowed me to get out of my head and stop feeling like I had so much to make up for because I made a mistake when I was young.
Coming home was awesome. The kids appreciated me more. A little absence definitely makes the heart grow fonder!
After spending so much time away, it felt right that I take the munchkins away too for three weeks at the end of the year which they loved.
To summarise, my year was rich in experience and adventure, empty in true love and soul satisfaction but I owned it and kinda heard my soul. Even though I did not take much action within the year, I heard myself and its all part of the process and just to reassure you all I took action in 2019!
