2021

I started this year very afraid as I had covid and four short days into the year I lost a friend to covid,  it was debilitating to say the least.i was consumed with grief and fear and just three days later I emerged covid free and with a birthday to celebrate but I honestly felt survivors guilt. Why was I so lucky to be alive while my friend died without a child and leaving behind a beautiful fiancee? I resolved then to do better, to be better and to be worthy of my life, I sit here today happy to know I made a whole hearted attempt.

The year started on a low and so it could only go up and yes it did until it had to come down all over again like an actual rollercoaster! I guess that's life good times and bad times are constant. Death haunted me this year, I have always struggled with death in that in numbs me and takes me back to when I lost my parents. I don't know if I will ever be comfortable with death I don't know if I will ever be able to grieve without expecting another shoe to drop, but it does make me want to treasure my every breath a little more.

As always this year I dove deeper in my introspection this year and realised how I had been living my life in survival mode. Where getting by each day was the normal I was like a robot following a routine I was existing but not living! I allowed so many moments to go by without experiencing them and I realised this only because when I tried to recall why I did certain things I had no recollections of my emotions or my thought processes which was rather unsettling. I had to snap out if it , I had to breath in the air, smell the flowers and marvel at the sunsets more!

This I did very passionately, I started from with in, with my body. I fell in love with myself all over again faults and all. I fell in love with how I looked and took great pride in my body and my diet and I learnt so much about myself and how my body reacts to what I eat and how I treat it. This is where I learnt self love isn't just about loving what I see in the mirror it's about loving myself from my head to my toes, this is just a deep learning experience that I think continues constantly as you grow.

I learnt to love my hair as it is curly and messy and my face without make up I learnt to feel beautiful as the bare imperfect canvas God created me to be. It gave me so much peace and I cared less and less of what people's opinions of me were. I still love to dress up but now it's not to be seen it's just an expression of who I am. I own Donna-Ray a whole lot more these days you can see more of her character lately not just sad eyes pretending to be ok! I know I am an empath and I wear my heart on my sleeve I know that makes me very vaunerable and the users may come in droves but I love me and I love the light I bring into world and I will not allow fear to change me or make me dim my light!

I have learnt to be kinder to myself and I listen more carefully to my self talk, I hear my thoughts more clearly and I intentionally speak more kindly to myself. I have learnt to be more understanding of my choices and not hold myself to unreachably high standards and appreciate all my efforts to date 😊 I handle myself with care and protect my peace like I do my kids and for it all I am happier and understand more how much happiness is an inside job and as a result very few things steal my joy and sadness never lasts long here. So my diamonds take time to love yourself this year from your head to your toes!