The Fear inside!

I grew up with my father's parents and I have never lived with either of my parents who are now late.There were many times I had needs but I ignored them because I didn't want to be a burden, there were times I felt alone and had no one to comfort me and many times I was afraid and I had no one to protect me. Living with my grandparents was a somewhat traumatising experience as my grandfather was an alcoholic and the worst kind! He would drink and when he was intoxicated he was abusive both verbally and physically I remember hating weekends, Fridays were the worst because he'd get home after work drunk and he'd start swearing as if that was not enough, everyone young  was out so I was alone at home with the task of protecting my grandmother.

 I remember when I was about five or six and my grandfather came home drunk and started his usual stream of abuses and before i knew it I was in the middle of a full on fight between him and my grandmother and I was terrified out of my mind screaming for help or for them to stop! As a result till I was about 8 years old I had panic attacks I grew up filled with fear and agony and dread! One night I was scared for my life because my grandfather said he wanted to kill us. I remember he sat across from my bedroom and broke an entire crate of bottles on  our locked bedroom door I was so afraid to come out of my room the next morning from then I got so paranoid I’d take all the knives and any sharp objects to my bedroom to make sure we weren't in danger, I would hide away anything and everything that would pose a threat to us. Living in fear is not the ideal way to live life and as a result I'm easily afraid even when I have no need to be.

Fear is so ugly and unnecessary  and I know being fearful is a sin as it limits or hinders faith but knowing it is wrong alone doesn't stop it from happening.I always find my self scared but being conscious of it's effects in my life has proven to be a step in the right direction.I am more in control now and I always try to reason with myself whether it's necessary to be so timid and im moving in the right direction every day! False Evidence appearing real is what fear represents, I will no longer let fear have any place in my life. I am regaining control and releasing the negative experiences of the past.