The Universe~ I want a man

I want a man who knows his worth without being arrogant or too proud,
A gentle kindred spirit with heart so pure he stands out from the crowd,
One who knows when to speak and when to seek silent contemplation,
One who won’t have tantrums, retreat and shut down in childish vexation.

He has to know the value of a supportive relationship and total fidelity,
But I don’t care if he’s never heard of Einstein or the laws of relativity.
He has to accept that he’s not perfect but be open minded and keen to learn,
Not to sweat the small stuff but when appropriate show his concern.

Physical attraction is necessary but he doesn’t need muscles like Tarzan or film star looks,
Inner strength and beauty are far more important in my books.
I want a man who knows the value of a hug or a cuddle and just simply being still,
One who won’t feel threatened by my independence, want to control or crush my will,

One who enjoys the changing seasons and appreciates the simple things in life,
Will defend himself but not be confrontational and thrive on conflict and strife.
This Adonis must be honest and compassionate and willing to help the poor,
Religion not essential but he must have knowledge of his Creator and not bring evil, spiritual or physical, to our door,

He must know how to dress but I don’t mind if he’s had a tough life and his childhood was rough,
As long as his heart isn’t hardened, he’s willing to ditch his baggage and deal with his personal stuff.
He must love his mother; his family and I should be one of the most important things in his life,
And I don’t want to be his one foot in one foot out lover either – I want to be his woman.

For this man I will bring to the table all that a good supportive life partner can be,
I will not stalk him but I’ll be behind him, ready to support and hold my king up for all to see,
Not mothering him but so we can grow together side by side each day and make a formidable team,
Then strong we will surmount life’s obstacles with me.......

2014

This has been a year full of life and all kinds of various experiences, a year very well spent. I feel a lot more grounded and secure, I am very grateful for every experience I have had this year and I really feel like I have come a long way. Family has been a core focus for me this year and I am pleased with the attention I have given my family I have had moments with them all individually and learnt a lot including the ever so essential ability to put smiles on their faces and the fulfillment that comes along with it. I am really glad that this year  I didn't shun family as always, I made time to spend with a few of my relatives and it was great.

On a work front I had such an amazing year of growth but with growth comes the elevation of standards and even though I had an amazing year with unimaginable growth it was not enough, I had to deal with the stabbing pain of disappointment. I ignited a new hunger in me that was amazing and knew no failure until I failed, I think I experienced being flung into a brick wall theoretically, I hadn't acknowledged failure in a long while and it was a shocker, but I guess once you have failed the hard part is done now I can win happily knowing I have failed before.  I managed to dust myself up and get back on the horse but it was long dragging process I really felt awful. None the less I live to die another day!

On a personal note well I never cease to live a drama free existence, highs and lows as always bad experiences I am not proud of occurred and well great revelations too. The important lessons are when people show their true colors believe them and accept them as they are; at least they have been honest. I have become a lot less tolerant and I fear many may lose my devotion in the year ahead and it is only for my own good which is my core responsibility. I really sense a growth about me and I intend to continue with it. On a spiritual level there has been growth too, I attended a lot more church this year and got involved in ministry a bit and I intend to give more of my time into service. As always God has shown himself faithful in my life and taught me patience and how to surrender my life to him, a little nudge that I am in his world and not in control. My health has been amazing this year and for once I committed to fitness and stuck to it too, I play soccer once a week and it has kept my weight in check all year, I also participated in my first triathlon this year a great experience I intend to do more often. I also took a zumba class too this year that was awesome too, I had a very active year this year. I have dubbed 2015 a year of building; it is very general but appropriate I am building and I am excited and hungry for it.

I won’t be a new person next year probably a better version of Donna and with everyday that comes I fit more and more comfortably in my own skin. I am who I am not perfect not amazing, I am very different and I love that about myself no one can ever fault me for not being unique. I love my life and I am ever so grateful for everything that has come in this life, I constantly look forward to what lies ahead. I am most grateful for the grace of God upon my life as it has kept me from so much and shown me so much, more often than not I feel like the luckiest girl alive and that is what is important. Have a blessed 2015 filled with breath taking moments and give breath taking experiences don’t just be alive, LIVE!!!

Life Lessons

You are the books you read,
You are the films you watch,
You are the music you listen to,
You are the people you meet,
You are the dreams you have,
You are the conversations you engage in,
You are what you take from all these,

You are the sound of the Ocean,
The breath of fresh air,
The highest light and the darkest corner,
You are a collective of your every experience you have had in your life,
You are every single day

So drown yourself in a sea of knowledge and existence,
Let the words run through your veins and let the colors fill your mind.
Everyone is a teacher some you seek, some you subconsciously attract,
Often we learn simply by observing others, some may be completely unaware that we are learning from them, yet we should bow deeply in gratitude.

Breast Cancer

My Pink Friday 

This October is breast cancer awareness month and as such i want to look at cancer in detail just to shed light on why we make so much noise about cancer. Cancer is a traitor it strikes when you’re least prepared and you least expect it to, everything we do now and how we lead our lives puts us at risk of developing cancer at a later stage in life.

Cancer is a disease of the cells which are the building blocks of body organs and tissues. Normally cells divide, grow and multiply in an orderly and controlled way as the body needs them to keep the body healthy. When cells become old or damaged, they die and are replaced with new cells. However, sometimes this orderly process goes wrong. When this happens, cells do not die when they should and new cells form when the body does not need them. When these cells continue multiplying, their result is a mass of tissue or growth, also called a tumor. A tumor is a mass of abnormal tissue. There are two types of breast cancer tumors: those that are non-cancerous, or ‘benign’, and those that are cancerous, which are ‘malignant’. Breast cancer is a malignant tumor which occurs in the breast(s), most commonly from the inner lining of milk ducts or the lobules that supply the ducts with milk. . There are several types of breast cancer. It can be diagnosed at different stages and can grow at different rates. This means that people can have different treatments, depending on what will work best for them. I have listed the most common risk factors of breast cancer below:·

• Are over forty (40) years of age·          

•     Have a family history of breast cancer·         

•  Smoke and drink alcohol, more than two drinks per day·       

•    Eat a diet high in animal fat and low in fiber·       

•    Have no children or had your first child after you turned 30 years·     

•      Started your menstrual periods early before 12 years of age experience menopause later than usual (after 55 years) you are more at risk·   

•        Excessively use of hormone replacement - always consult your doctor on the use of hormones·    

•       Exposed to radiation especially during adolescence·         

•  Have had cancer previously in one breast·         

•  Constantly endure high stress levels

It is important to be wary of the common signs and symptoms of breast cancer. The common symptoms of breast cancer include a lump or thickening in or near the breast or in the underarm that persists through the menstrual cycle. A mass or lump, which may feel as small as a pea should also be a cause for concern, especially if it is detected during regular breast self examination. Women must look out for changes in the size, shape, or contour of the breast, blood-stained or clear fluid discharge from the nipple, change in the feel or appearance of the skin on the breast or nipple (dimpled, puckered, scaly, or inflamed), redness of the skin on the breast or nipple, a change in shape or position of the nipple. Other signs include the development of a marble-like hardened area under the skin, an area that is distinctly different from any other area on breast, tingling, itching, increased sensitivity, burning in pain in the breast or nipples, unexplained weight loss as well as persistent fever or chills. Some of the signs and symptoms may however be due to other conditions. It is thus important to consult your doctor or health practitioner should the signs or symptoms present. Please note that it’s common for a woman’s breasts to be a different size or shape from each other. They also feel different at different times of the month. For example, just before a woman’s period, her breasts may feel lumpy. As a woman gets older, her breasts may become smaller and feel softer. 



Breast cancer screening refers to testing otherwise-healthy women for breast cancer in an attempt to achieve an earlier diagnosis. The assumption is that early detection will improve outcomes. A number of screening test have been employed including: clinical and self breast exams, mammography, genetic screening, ultrasound, and magnetic resonance imaging (MRI). In Zimbabwe Breast Self Examination (BSE) is encouraged since most of the lumps are discovered by the woman themselves. Breast screening may find cancers early. In older women it saves lives since if a cancer is found, it is likely to be smaller. It may, therefore, be possible to remove the lump (by a lumpectomy) instead of removing the whole breast (a mastectomy). 

The best option for young women is the Breast Self Examination.The method involves the woman herself looking at and feeling each breast for possible lumps, distortions or swelling. It makes one become familiar with the usual appearance and feel of one’s breasts. Getting to know one’s breasts makes it easier to become aware of any changes. Breast self-exam is done about three to five days after one’s period when breasts are less likely to be tender and swollen. Women at menopause should choose a particular day of the month when to do breast self-examination. Early detection of abnormalities gives the doctor a better chance to offer effective treatment. A way to BSE is as follows;·   

•        Stand before the mirror, inspect both breasts for any unusual discharge, dimpling, scaling or puckering of the skin.·       
•    Watching in the mirror, clasp hands behind head and press head against hands. This helps to identify any changes in the shape or size as the muscles contract.·      
•     Press hands on the hips and bend towards the front or mirror while pulling shoulders and elbows forward. The pulling of muscles helps to identify any abnormalities on the breasts.·    
•       While in the shower, with soapy hands, lift arm and with four fingers of your right hand, gradually work from the outer edge of the breast in small circles towards the nipple. 
•  The circular movements will help identify any lumps or abnormalities.
• Following the same process use your left hand to examine the right breast. 
• I know this is a lot to read but it is worth the read and very helpful. Keep safe.

  

21st century parenting

Parenting is the one responsibility I have that blows my mind. I sit down and try to mentally analyse the job description and it scares the life out of me, we are too insignificant to deal with such responsibility. Honestly have you considered that everything your children will become will mirror you in one way or another? I always tell God that my kids are his children and I’m his earthly assistant because I would  go crazy if I had to worry every day and every  minute that I am not with them how they were and if they were being treated well, what they were exposed to and the like. Parenting needs faith because if you try and control everything you would be setting yourself up for failure.

One of the challenges I face a lot as a mother is finding balance, with work, chores and still maintaining some social sanity. Many good parents cut out all social aspects of their life when they have children and I find that next to impossible. I always find myself grumpy if I don’t go out with peers and feel somewhat normal, at the same time I feel very guilty if I prioritize my time it always seems as though I have to choose and suddenly you find yourself highly stressed and torn. I am always happiest when I strike a balance and I have put in some time with the kids and I have handled my chores and I have a bit of time for me too if I achieve this I feel like a superhero mum.

Honestly speaking though we roughly have about four such great days a month if we are lucky, the reality is parenting is the hardest job ever with no off days, no sick leave and lousy pay. I remember once having such a horrid bout of the flu with a fever and all but I still had to do my school run and then drive myself to the doctors and home again and make dinner, many a time I wonder where I get the strength from? It is love! There is nothing better in life than seeing the love in your children’s eyes, when they see you they light up. Not forgetting the faith in your ability to provide for them, that just does it for me, when my kids see me they light up and for that simple reason I would gladly move mountains for them. I honestly think 21^st century parenting is all about following your gut, we are in an era where everyone has an opinion of everything under the sun and with the fast growing pace of technology there is about ten different opinions in your face and the worst part is your children are exposed to it all too.

It is now next to impossible to protect your children one hundred percent but like I mentioned the only healthy parents are those with faith or the totally ignorant ones. Unfortunately there are no rule books or manuals on right parenting there are generalized opinions so yeah twenty first  century parenting is follow your gut, trust in God, after all he raised you and gave you the kids he has a plan just trust him to guide you, love and pray without ceasing. Happy Parenting may you make memorable memories with your children!

Nicole my daughter 2 days old

Anthony and Nicole and Me

Me and Anthony at 2

Me and Little Miss Nicky

Polo

My Favourite book is Polo by Jilly Cooper, this book was written in 1991, though i had it since the 90’s i only cracked it open in 2008. This book is based on the rich and fast lives of Polo players and Show Jumpers based in England, Argentina and America primarily, back in 60’s through to the 80’s. I would never have guessed that such an old book would appeal to me but its sheer genius, the portrayal of drama and intriguing romance within the Polo community had me glued to this book and i couldn't put it down. To date i have read the book about 6 times, i also went out and bought and read the complimenting 9 book series. Jilly absolutely had me captivated and hungry for more. Her book is not intellectual though she has a few intellectual books too, but this book was my sanity back in school when i needed entertainment.


The main characters in the book are Perdita Mcleod a polo mad teen with the greatest crush on a nine goal handicapped Ricky France-Lynch, the proud one. The story line moves from The English polo fields to the Argentine Pampas then to the silk polo fields of Palm Beach in America. The detail in the polo games were displayed had me polo and horse mad i was so taken i felt i needed my own experience of this sport i knew nothing of. I followed the story closely, behind the polo games and sex scenes, of the ever so tragic loss of three year old William France- Lynch and the wreckage of his father’s life as a result. It gave me extreme joy and pleasure watching Ricky pick himself up and rebuilding his life i related in so many ways and i urged him on repeatedly through my every read.

Beyond Ricky’s story there is the life of Perdita an atrocious teen, driven to shocking heights of outrageousness due to non recognition by her step father, Hamish Mcleod. Perdita’s sweet and hopelessly incompetent mother, Daisy Mcleod, has an unimaginable secret that changes the lives of many in an instant. The story of Daisy is also very heartbreaking, of how she is abandoned by her husband and is falling apart at the seams. Perdita grows up only able to love horses and get’s over Ricky and ends up under Red Alderton only to discover his is not her Mr right. I don’t want to spoil the book for anyone curious, all i can say is get your hands on this classic it will move your life at the very least as it is a fiction Novel.

This is my favorite book written by a woman because Jilly wasn't any of the household names we grew up on, though i have no clue as to why, but her writing captivated me as i read her books the movies screened in my head she was accurate and well researched, she lead me into her world and i followed gracefully. This is a commendable skill to captivate an audience and make them buy into your fictitious reality. I applaud Jilly for her talent especially in a time when female writers didn't get the recognition and respect they deserved she still kept her pen to her note book. She is still alive and going strong at the age of 77, i take my hat off to her.

Death is nothing at All

I have only slipped away to the next room

I am I and you are you

Whatever we were to each other,

That we still are

Call me by my old familiar name,

Speak to me in the easy way which you always should,

Put no difference into your tone

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes

We enjoyed together

Play, smile, think of me, Pray for me

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was

Let it be spoken without effect

Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant

It is the same as it ever was

There is absolute unbroken continuity

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you. For an interval

Somewhere very near. Just around the corner

All is well

Two years on...............

Wow it is absolutely insane to think that I began this journey two years ago. I know in the last year I haven’t been as fervent a writer as before but this is solely due to a crazy work schedule, life and a bit of writers block however I have dearly missed my writing. This is my solitude and my safe haven and without it I felt quite empty, none the less I am back with a bang.

I can’t profess to growing as a writer as yet, but I have been very selective of what I publish I may have also learnt to keep a few cards close to my chest. In as much as I desire to tell the world my every experience I have come to learn that not every single one is relevant and necessary to share, a lot of moments are simply meant to be lived in and cherished in ones heart. I did manage to decide on a personal brand direction. That was an absolute step in the right direction in terms of defining myself and understanding the image i wan to portray professionally. I had many instances where i was very confused by my talents and strengths but that is resolved now.

My family life has transitioned very well and i can almost safely say i have found some balance, I guilt trip myself alot less. I have more memories with my family and i treasure every moment that comes with watching my family grow and develop which brings me joy. For once i stuck to some form of exercise, soccer,  which has been doing my body wonders i have shed quite a few extra unwanted kilo’s and i am glowing with joy. I have found my happy place I believe, it’s not perfect nor is it trouble free but i am certain that it is MY HAPPY PLACE. I wake up every morning thankful and hopeful; i am not easily moved by situations and not shaken easily anymore.

In retrospect I made the biggest decision of my life two years ago and I have no regrets, I look forward to a happy future. What’s the point one may ask, the point is i took a leap of faith, i followed my heart and i am happy about it, I live to write about it. So many lead lives of fear and unhappiness as they are afraid of what may come from following the heart, the fear of the unknown. So many people waste away on this earth, living simple lives and pass on without getting the very best from the world. I have been to several funerals and i don’t cry because they are no more, i cry because they went through so much and enjoyed so little, i look at my life i enjoy so much and i want so much more it baffles me how so many settle for less, how people are content with crumbs when there is cake on the table. Oh how i wish we would all clamor around the table for the cake and leave crumbs of life on the floor.

Reinvent yourself

Some days you just wake up on top of the world for no apparent reason, you’re energetic and joyful. And bang it is in the middle of the month your broke and well you’re actually supposed to be stressed and unhappy and here you are grinning from ear to ear. No one understands what drugs you’re on, and well you’re quite in-comprehensive of where everyone is coming from with their negativity and lack of shared joy.

Well that’s probably because you have reinvented yourself, not in the technical sense but mentally. This is a very necessary step in these trying times that we live in, many a time you will need to literally pull yourself out of the gutter. Willing or unwilling you have to be your biggest supporter and encourager. It is imperative that you change your mindset and instead of repelling, start attracting what you want in life. Many times people fail to realize that their take on things, their mental conversations and most importantly their thoughts greatly affect their happiness. The simple lack of attention paid to these aspects has people dwelling in self made misery.

To prove this simply get an optimist and a pessimist and watch them, the later is unhappy and nothing changes this state and they spiral into greater and far greater despair and yet it is all self-inflicted. Watch an optimist at work, they exude joy and happiness and as a result they lead a life of happiness and similarly it is indeed self induced. This simply means that reinventing yourself is simply renewing your mind for your personal benefit, your circumstances shouldn't affect this process. When you think positively you allow yourself a positive energy to help you deal with all the circumstances around you. All i am saying is don’t sit and wait for a stroke of luck to get you in a good place in your life, make that good luck and create your own happiness you have the power to do this.

The first essential step to reinventing yourself is being grateful; take a moment to jot down all the things you are grateful for in life, you will find yourself in awe and like magic your mindset shifts you come to realize all the things worth being happy for. Living a happy life doesn't mean you have no problems and worries; it simply means your level headed and ready to deal with life’s problems and worries with the right attitude. This is the simple difference between the happy and the unhappy their mindsets and emotional intelligence. When you control you mind, thoughts and reactions you’re emotionally intelligent and a very happy person too. Make the choice today to be happy and positive, go on reinvent yourself you deserve it.

This Mess

I knew i hadn't healed one hundred percent as yet but i guess loneliness got the best of me and i found myself letting someone in. I t wasn't the best of decisions i could of made as my first two attempts of moving on were kind of left out there and incomplete, i had never really closed the doors and here i was opening another door, i guess it should have spelt disaster from the get go, but on day one who really thinks of the future? I thought i’d see what happens, besides i was the ice queen i wasn't about to fall in love or anything, i wasn't even expecting anything, no expectations meant no disappoint this is what I learnt,  at this point i was experienced enough to do well  and be a big girl and not get caught up.

This is what I thought however this isn't what happened, I hadn't met someone I felt at ease with. I hadn't felt like this in a very long while, everything came so easy so much common ground was established it was somewhat surreal. The excitement and the courage that grew in me set me on fire, something new was ignited in me it was fun and all so easy. It felt like we had known each other for years and yet we had barely scratched the surface. My world was completely turned around I was a changed soul.  I was flourishing in joy, happiness and love. The world was beautiful place again, the world made sense and I was on top of my game with the glow and all. I felt as though i was in my very own bubble of happiness and it was the most amazing bubble ever!

As we all know bubbles have life spans very short one’s at that, and as such life intervened and my bubble popped. I found myself in a tornado somehow and all i wanted was to feel the ground and it was nowhere in sight, not again i thought but alas it was so. The young blossoming love was plucked out again, arrggghh this really needed to stop happening! I was fast becoming a relationship walking disaster which really wasn't the ideal title for me. Instead of admitting defeat and dealing with the pain, the ice queen came in to settle, we never shed a tear we never admit we need anyone and very rarely do we confess our true feelings. My walls came right back up reinforced and ready to fend off anymore vultures. Normality set in or at least was reinforced, i may not like being an ice- queen but it is my safest place for now, while i regroup and decide my next step. 

Saviours by Stephen Palmer

We made arrangements to save certain people beforehand

Everybody had someone, many someone's who they promised they would rescue

That explains why we resonate deeply with some people

They are the ones to whom we made vows

It is why we hate ourselves, when we let ourselves become tainted

That's one step away from saving our friends.





There are many ways to save someone

Saying the right thing at the right time, being patient when it is hard,

Looking past faults laughing together, crying together, struggling together, forgiving one another

Saving happens as much in the seemingly trivial moments as it does in the dramatic moments

Life just IS, it doesn't "Happen", everything is life and life is important






We think that it comes and it goes ebbs and flows, rises and falls, it doesn't

The rise is a function of the fall, the fall a function of the rise

The interdependency of moments erases the urgency of one moment and the drudgery of another.

No one moment is more important than another, all moments are important.

We underestimate ourselves because we compare. We compare because we can't see because we were meant to discover.

We were meant to discover because we were meant to create. We were meant to create because we were meant to SAVE





We made arrangements to save certain people beforehand and certain people promised they would save us!

What is a woman's place?

I haven’t written in a while life has taken its toll, I have been consumed with work and I now have very minimal if any quiet time and while I yearn to write the opportunity rarely presents itself. However I will consciously make time and put more effort into expressing myself going forward. I have taken the role of the devil’s advocate in my blog today and I am sparking a debate I do urge all readers to add your thoughts and opinions.

My first article was very family orientated as I am a family woman but in addition to this I am a young ambitious woman with an unquenchable thirst for success.  I have been lead to believe by an alarming amount of people that this is not the norm for women. I always wonder why though? If a woman is beautiful, is she supposed to be shallow and without a flicker of desire to be the best in all she does? Is motherhood and being a housewife the ultimate epitome for a woman? I feel it is not we crave it all! The houses, the cars, the success, the challenge, the stress even, the whole rat race and more. I am at my very best when I’m juggling responsibilities,  I feel like I am pushing myself to be the very best and I am at my happiest.

However there are people of the opinion that this is not my place, and in building my career I am neglecting my maternal responsibilities and I will always fall short of being the best mother or wife. There are also the few that view me as a threat; I’m yet to understand how a financial independent woman is a threat and not an asset though. This is a sexist debate in all honesty but as a woman who works and is a mother I have every right to spark this very debate, as I don’t understand the fuss and the need for men to be on top and doing it all to feel like men. The simple virtue that you are men and were created above us makes you superior it is an uncontested title therefore I do not see the demeanor in women working and doing their thing (so to speak).

 In today’s world so much has evolved life as we knew it a decade ago has long past and yet we still battle over such trivial issues such as  weather a woman  can run the world, the question should be who is the right human to do so race and sex are not valid bases to judge any individual. So I pose the question again what is a woman’s place? I look forward to answers, in my opinion a woman ‘s place is the one she chooses, women and men alike should encourage and support each other to be the very best they can be, it would make for a much better and constructive future for mankind as we know it.

My 2013 in images

If i didn't have you all in my life i would a bored soul

To all my friends and family that made my 2013 special Thank you so much!!!

2013

This has been an interesting year at some point it was the worst year ever and at another point it was the very best. It is safe to say it was a well balanced year full of up’s and downs, joys and sadness, happiness and pain, I am happy with the end result. This year I learnt that I am only human and in my weakness lies strength, I always felt that I had to be strong, perfect and right but, I discovered that I am weak, imperfect and wrong at times. I also learnt that these qualities weren't all bad and that I am only human, in imperfection we find perfection. I lived with immense pressure to be the very best and this year it is safe to say that I was humbled; the best isn't all you need to be in life. I learnt a lot as always which is always good as I sit here a lot wiser than I was last year but I acknowledge that I have so much more growing and learning to do.

This year started off with a bang and I partied hard and joyfully into the New Year and thereafter too, a week later as always is my birthday and I spoilt myself with a party or two I had fun times and partied like crazy it was a great time we had and I really enjoyed myself. Thereafter things got serious and I had to get to work, I learnt that not every opportunity that presents itself is an opportunity to be taken. I changed careers in a sense and I finally came up with a personal brand that I am very happy with. I am happy with my working life, it’s hard work but well worth it and I realized that I still have a lot of figuring out to do about my true passion in life so that will be a task for 2014.

I tried dating this year and I learnt that I am long way from being in love again, I still feel very numb and emotionless. I can care for anyone, that comes very easy for me but to say I love someone unconditionally is a lie, I still have to heal more I guess, the good part is I am trying and I am being sensitive to my emotions. I will get the love thing right eventually for now it isn't a priority time is kind of on my side. I have seen some good positive changes in me and my focus and with time it will show accordingly, I am very unapologetic for who I am as I have learnt that I am living my life for me and I have one chance to do it right my way which I will be answerable to the Lord for.

 I am still figuring a great deal of stuff out with everyday I am blessed with, My new year begins next week on my birthday so this week for me is a week of thought and planning for the year ahead. I look ahead to the new year with optimism and excitement, Happy new year diamonds let's rock 2014!

The cries of a broken heart

Like the salient woes like the breath of death
Like a virgin walking a lonely path
Like a dare-devil pondering his next dare
Like a baby Giselle learning the first walk

Breathing deep into my soul
Reality soon sinks deep into the abyss of my heart
So powerful no one can cherish
So intense the consequence is petrifying
Never did my imagination acquaint of this
Even my worst thoughts never enlightened me
Weren’t dreams meant for this, or was I wrong?

But alas my dreams were off beam
Like an eclipse of the mind my vision rambles
At first it was just but love, the beauty of it all
The butterflies, the walks in the park, the midnight calls
Can I live without it all? Surely this can't be

Is he gone for real, which one is the dream? Am I awake?
A metaphor he has become
A dream he now is, so far and yet so near
The love we had all gone in vain, taken by the tumult
The times we shared the affection the commitment the laughs all lost in the hubbub

Was it her, the one I never liked from day one?
The one who was always there when I wasn’t?
The one who always found time when I couldn’t?
The one who gave you what I thought was taboo?
The one who made you laugh at jokes I thought were eccentric?

Forever will my heart linger in solitude for I am now solitary

Closing chapters

Every journey has a lifespan and every chapter has an end, I have seen myself grow a little this year it has not been the growth i wanted or expected but its growth nonetheless I can safely say that i am learning to take life as it comes. I was accustomed to fighting, be it fate or reality i was ever ready for battle. I find myself in submission to life now and i guess the beauty lies in seeing spades as they are, opposed to how i want them to be. This insight has seen me able to end a chapter in my life not because i wanted it to end, but because its end had come.





A profound chapter in my life began at 15 for me, i met a man and i shared a major chunk of my youth with this man. It has been a long journey of nine years with him, with many ups and downs. I have learnt so much from this journey, i loved wholeheartedly and i married my Prince. This was life as i thought it should be, but in life we love and we learn. I learnt many lessons, some i never wanted to learn and i spent a lot of time with my arms folded in protest, and in rage at life. Reality then struck me, i was given lemons and i went sour opposed to making lemonade. How unsporty of me i thought, well in all honestly love is the one emotion capable of altering anyone whether you want it to or not.








Today i am happy to end a chapter in my life, it has been an important one in my life, it has added significantly to who i am today. I have chosen to learn from all the bad and to cherish all the good, but most importantly i am letting the chapter close and i am ready for a new chapter. Self healing doesnt always happen when we want it to and so often we hardly notice that we are healed, however it is neccesary and it does make life happier and healthier when we welcome it.My life has transformed since i stopped fighting life, and it’s looking brighter and brighter each day, i have finally signed my name at the end of a chapter in my life and i anxiously await to write my next chapter.

I never knew......

I never knew that letting him in meant this

All he asked for was a simple kiss

I never knew where it would all lead

All i know is there is none here to kid

I never knew i was letting him in

Though with me he has been from the beginning

I never knew every minute mattered

All i know is without him im scattered

I never knew he meant everything he said

Slowly he seems to be getting through to me

I never knew that it only required patience to break my walls

I see them crumbling everyday

I never knew i would be so afraid

I never knew love would find me like this

I'm coming out of hiding and I don’t like it

I never knew I would let go and let love take over

Oh my how I wish I hadn't, walls are built to protect

I never knew it would be such bliss, ever thinking of his kiss

I never knew happiness like I know it now

Being me has never been this easy, a painless blissful love

I never knew this is where I would be

Closing doors and moving forward like I needed to

I never knew I deserved this freedom and happiness

Nor did i ever believe i was worthy

I smile now because I never knew but now I do!

Rejection

This I would say is one of the greatest fears of mankind today, everyone wants to be loved and accepted in society and yet acceptance is almost impossible to attain. Everyday people grovel and fight for the acceptance and approval of parents, children, friends and loved ones; some to their advantage and unfortunately many to no avail.

We have based our livelihood on running from rejection, at the very expense of our sanity and well being. The fear of its’ reality is one so bone chilling that anything beats the thought of it alone being the actual experience. Many have likened the feeling to death, a numb state of dismay and utter horror knowing that the one whom you looked to for love and assurance can no longer be or will no longer be there. A state of non-comprehension and dismay, physical pain is of no consequence, life ceases to hold meaning or value in the eyes of the rejected.

Down cast and ridden to an empty void of utter loneliness, bordering on depression, being rejected cuts deep for most and leaves many disoriented. Without a single clue as to how to fill the present void some run out to find a rebound to make the pain or confusion disappear others let their hearts ache and some become bitter and angry. Rejection affects everyone at one point or another and it rocks every world it hits, how you take the blow is what defines us.

All through my early childhood I experienced rejection; over the years it became a powerful stronghold I could not just shake off. With the passing of time my mindset was so chained to the thought I was not good enough. I was so miserable and so far away from living the purpose that destiny had laid out for me. For a while it was so bad that I began to believe that people were justified in rejecting me .I began to think I deserved not only to be rejected, but also to be pitied. In the end I decided to self medicate by avoiding rejection .I was just rejecting anyone and everyone who came close to me. I was so numb and immune to anyone’s emotional needs. Not knowing better the very same thing I hated I sought to do to others. Call it madness or insanity I am so guilty of it. Yet I know I am far from being alone in this corner.

Unfortunately you can’t run forever and eventually you meet the ill fate you have handed to many, I recall the dismay when it happened to me. The man I thought would sweep my feet away told me I was not good enough. This time I did not put on the ‘kick-me' sign pity face. I decided to be an enchantress and weave some magic and make this man love me. Like a caterpillar a process of metamorphosis occurred in my brain I sought power, revenge and success. I believed these three entities would shield me from future encounters of rejection and get my man back. The man I lost, however success did come but it came at a cost. Love was lost in the abyss of self. Lonely nights I endured in my comforts until a penny dropped, life didn’t have to be this way. Love was the thing that could heal me and that would only come with me accepting the past and leaving the past behind. A newness of life sprung within me. Eureka! I thought; so it’s that simple I thought. Yes I have been rejected but hey it stops today I am taking back my life and living it the way it’s meant to be.

Since undertaking this new path of thinking I realised forgiveness would play a major role in my healing. Forgiving myself for the choices I have made and also forgiving the very same people that have hurt me. I am working progress and I love the journey like a diamond it’s a daily polishing that makes me shine brighter every day. 

Checking in

I haven't written in a minute mostly because too much has been going on in my life, it’s been insane but I have missed this time tremendously. I have learnt that I can't write when I'm all over the place I need a quiet and calm environment for my heart to speak. I am just ecstatic that I'm in my happy peaceful state again i truly hope.

I have been on an overworking spree it has been exhausting and very unnecessary but I guess the head bump helps bring the lesson home, Hard work is always commendable but it is not always necessary, so I have learnt. Somehow we are past the midst of the year and I'm hazed by how swiftly the months have gone by. The past seven months have been very eventful, I desired to make changes *again* but good changes some never made sense when I made them but now they do, lost friends, gained friends, made progress and back tracked a bit too.

On a high note I have met some amazing people thus far it’s been an experience, I have learnt something that i can say i had forgotten. In this life we live we tend to forget that we are on earth by God's will and ultimately to fulfill his plan in our life, somehow we manage to forget this and take full control of our lives and make plans that mostly are not God’s. This is when events begin to occur in order to highlight this simple truth. “We live to learn and learn to live” i guess so lets get out our note pads as we live lol.

On a low note, I have lost too many already this year it’s been hectic, i never take death very well and death has knocked down my door successively to the point where it all seemed to be a bad joke and a very hard pill to swallow.I have noticed that death does come with life, a lot of babies are being born and well i guess this is life, we lose and we gain, honestly though we spend a lot of time on the loss and ignore the gain but that is just selfish human nature which we are all guilty of. I have loads to share i hope i have all the time to share, sometimes i have all the words and nothing to write it’s insane. I will keep at it though i need my me time where i talk to the world as wise sister at times or as a crazy youth, be blessed and spread love where ever you are today.

A tribute to my dear friend O'neal R.I.P

 This year i lost a dear friend and a witting partner

this was one of the last things he wrote before he was murdered

 was the poem below rest in peace O'neal i miss you:

Sometimes God Loves a Lullaby

God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves a drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out, singing out.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah