This Mess

I knew i hadn't healed one hundred percent as yet but i guess loneliness got the best of me and i found myself letting someone in. I t wasn't the best of decisions i could of made as my first two attempts of moving on were kind of left out there and incomplete, i had never really closed the doors and here i was opening another door, i guess it should have spelt disaster from the get go, but on day one who really thinks of the future? I thought i’d see what happens, besides i was the ice queen i wasn't about to fall in love or anything, i wasn't even expecting anything, no expectations meant no disappoint this is what I learnt,  at this point i was experienced enough to do well  and be a big girl and not get caught up.

This is what I thought however this isn't what happened, I hadn't met someone I felt at ease with. I hadn't felt like this in a very long while, everything came so easy so much common ground was established it was somewhat surreal. The excitement and the courage that grew in me set me on fire, something new was ignited in me it was fun and all so easy. It felt like we had known each other for years and yet we had barely scratched the surface. My world was completely turned around I was a changed soul.  I was flourishing in joy, happiness and love. The world was beautiful place again, the world made sense and I was on top of my game with the glow and all. I felt as though i was in my very own bubble of happiness and it was the most amazing bubble ever!

As we all know bubbles have life spans very short one’s at that, and as such life intervened and my bubble popped. I found myself in a tornado somehow and all i wanted was to feel the ground and it was nowhere in sight, not again i thought but alas it was so. The young blossoming love was plucked out again, arrggghh this really needed to stop happening! I was fast becoming a relationship walking disaster which really wasn't the ideal title for me. Instead of admitting defeat and dealing with the pain, the ice queen came in to settle, we never shed a tear we never admit we need anyone and very rarely do we confess our true feelings. My walls came right back up reinforced and ready to fend off anymore vultures. Normality set in or at least was reinforced, i may not like being an ice- queen but it is my safest place for now, while i regroup and decide my next step.