2023

If shadow work was a year it would be 2023, I have come out of this year hopeful and positive but it definitely took me on a rollercoaster ride of experiences. I can almost confess to becoming an introvert now but let's not jump into new definitions. This year started different very different I was surrounded by the future, the kids and their friends had me surrounded but I embraced it and I learned to listen and just be present to provide silent support to my kids and their roles in life. I'm glad I have healed enough to be able to support my kids and cheer them on without the need to compete with them. I love watching them grow seeing little hints of me but healthier than I ever was which makes me so proud! I love my children I truly feel that I was blessed with amazing souls that inspire me to heal and show up better every day❤️

This year my healing journey got real I sat alone,I questioned myself alot I searched my heart alot and I was alone alot. I was constantly surrounded but alone alot.healing is a huge separator we always assume a person has changed when they become more distant but now I realise that when the misery is less from deep within the company tends to get a bit meaningless. When you are clear on your purpose and you approach people with clarity and intention it's so much harder to relate with the unhealed. When you come in peace without mess and anger or personal discontentment alot of things lose value. When you cut out your numbing and you are present the noise is much louder and the escapism seems so unnecessary you feel a little lost in the world that you once knew. When you long to connect with people but realise they are all deep inside high walls of protection you give up a little.

I have given up a little on finding a soul like mine or even finding soft landing spots in life. Everyone is so caught up their personal dramas and has been hurt too much to try and genuinely love, I won't lie this year I spent alot of time inside mostly because outside is so hard. I have always been a soft hearted person and I hated it for so long because I was constantly accused of enabling people to use me. I accepted my heart more this year and I have been creating boundaries it's a slow process to all around me who lost patience with my lack of boundaries but for me it's been great growth my self- worth intrinsically has been rising slow and steady and its growth non the less. The most frustrating thing about healing is that it can't be rushed you may identify a problem and theoretically know how to solve it but until you go through the slow painful motions of healing the job isn't done. I wished I never wanted to heal, I wished I was still residing in trauma because I was more relatable I wish I was still ignorant because hanging out and chillin would be much easier, they say ignorance is bliss and they are totally right!

When your healing its like you are genuinely adulting you're so self aware and conscious of your surroundings and more observant even more able to listen but you also feel more disconnected from people especially when you identify other peoples unhealed areas and you realise no matter how much you know and understand if the other person isn't ready to heal that hurt nothing you say or do can help. So you learn to take a step back so as to allow that person to deal and if they don't deal you gotta find peace with that and let sleeping dogs lie but obviously it results in you distancing yourself from them and thus you become scarce from everyone. The greatest outcome of this year is my relationship with my children I really felt present and connected with them it's been great to have my own people that for now can't leave me lol but it's coming soon. I have become a bit of loner but I also am more intentional, in the past I was a friend by duty and obligation but now I am a friend by choice I'm more present. I feel this year was very tough and alot of my wins were intrinsic so I have very little to show but im glad I showed up and I am more myself than ever and I ride the waves of uncertainty with a bit more grace then I ever did before. Diamonds life is getting tougher as we age and grace is more scarce then ever before but let's keep our heads up and be as authentic as we can happy 2024!!

A Love-Stop

 have been told over the years that I am too soft and I enable people not always in  a good way and I do too much and I get used easily. This is true to an extent and yes over years some experiences have been painful  and unfair and unkind but I have never regretted being the light in a person's life.
In the past I'd be lead by my heart to do things even for strangers and I have allowed society to tell me its wrong to make me feel conflicted inside even though I was lead by love and this is my biggest regret not allowing myself to share my light and feel its experience. I have let society steal my joy in being the change I want to see in the world which I know is my calling .

I was raised by such a gentle and loving soul and I also got to see how the world and experiences hardened her and I guess I  could see the conflict in my grandmother then but I didn't understand much when i was young.  Now having realised I inherited the greatest gift from her , her heart, I have an appreciation for her journey and I understand her conflict. I think I know now that I was raised by an angel in human form I saw grace and kindness that I knew was light and even though life chucks us around a bit and tells us to harden up and to protect ourselves. I have come to see that I am a love-stop like my grandmother was.
We are great big balls of energy or light that people are drawn to and we have the ability to refuel a low loved person and give a bit of kindness to fuel them until the next stop. It can be a very draining process and it can feel heavy at times but when you let the love flow its such an amazing and fulfilling place to be.

I am proud to be love-stop , I'm honoured to share my little light and give hope and love to anyone that needs it and sometimes I may feel a little empty but I'm always refilled and fulfilled and this is my privilege and purpose in life. I am the change I want to see in the world and I am answering my call as best as I can❤️ the diamond is starting to shine♦️

Killing the Imposter

How many times have you felt like you are barking up the wrong tree or as my granny would say "being too big for your own boots"! We live in a world that encourages you to fit in a box to play it small and not be too bold or loud. I was born loud , not that I popped out the womb screaming but I carried a big personality that noone approved of. I was told constantly to keep quiet, do less I was discouraged from learning,loving and being myself. From the moment I can remember I was made to feel not enough I don't blame anyone for this, conformity was just the norm and I wasn't good at conforming.

As far back as I could remember I was not good enough. I wasn't good enough to have my parents remember my existence. I wasn't good enough to recieve maternal or paternal love. I was reminded of my aloneness in this world constantly. Noone seemed to understand me or noone cared to. At the time I felt isolated but I learnt to self console young. My imagination was my best friend. My self worth was in the pits but my confidence shone. It seemed I was a walking contradiction but still noone understood me I was still too much but I felt not enough. Something in me always expected more I never knew love and care but I certainly knew what it wasn't. My brokenness lead me to many wrong stops but my inner self worth always made me uncomfortable. I tried settling,  I tried following the rules and ticking boxes but it felt like everytime I did a piece of me died.

It took me good decade to accept myself to know that even if noone showed up for me I was worth showing up for myself. I blocked my ears many times the nay sayers are always there telling you your worth according to their own brokenness, but my innervoice carried me through. I felt tired many times but I got up. I felt worthless many times but always knew I had value. I faced many setbacks,  lots of egg spilled on my face over years there were times I ran on fumes and hope and times I survived on faith and sheer will power. I sometimes don't know how I made it this far and for these times I claim grace.

Today I see myself where I dreamed to be once. Its not as pretty as I had hoped but it's still a mountain top. Not the first and certainly not the last buts it's a mountain top non the less and I wanna sit here and take in the view. I earned this a decade ago I set out to be an expert in Finance and a decade later I'm at the door. I sacrificed my freedom when l went from being an entrepreneur to being a professional many didn't see my logic but I had a vision and its being realised. I showed myself that there is nothing that I cannot do if I set my mind to it. I have had many setbacks that made me feel like an imposter but I learnt to sit through the discomfort and not show my fears and now I know I'm not an imposter I'm a brilliant, young, fearless leader who is actively being the change I want to see in the world. I living my life from love I'm not perfect but I'm learning and growing everyday and my skin feels like it fits. I feel like I am me big bold and loud❤️ and most importantly proud. I am proud of myself and I love myself and I know I'm not for everyone and I cherish my uniqueness. Be bold and be authentic my 💎.

Full Circle

Eighteen years ago I started my labor! I didn't know I was in labor as I was sixteen and new to all this and my water didn't break. I thought it was just another hard pregnancy day with braxton hicks. I told myself we only panic and look for doctors when the water breaks not realising I had no idea water waters breaking entailed other than what i saw on tv.I didn't know what to expect or if there were instances when this didn't happen naturally. I had the ignorance of youth on my side. In addition to this I was isolated by family and friends and the naughty one who liked things due to my young pregnancy.

I didn't feel up for much that day because the pain was intense but I was strong, I went through the first few hours of labor on my own thinking it was like a bad period and I could handle it and I did. I even repacked my hospital bag more realistically to cater for myself and not just the baby. I tossed and turned and walked up and down, I was uncomfortable and in pain but it wasn't major I wasn't dying I said to myself. I tried to have lunch but I couldn't, I had a feeling I was in labor but I wasn't sure. All I knew is I did not want to defecate in the delivery room so eating wasn't an ideal option. I don't really recall much of that day except knowing without a doubt I was in pain and I was uncomfortable and I was not hungry. I was too busy being strong to tell anyone about my experience at the time and I was afraid. I was afraid of the reality I was in and I was afraid to die but I knew I had to be strong.

I got through the day ok and as evening drew near I knew something was up but I had told myself we only go to the hospital with something tangible wet panties or something lol! From about six in the evening I was on thirty minute bathroom breaks to see if my water broke cause in my head it was a sixty millilitre liquid expectation I guess 🙃. I remember at about eight pm when everyone went to bed but I couldn't cause I was uncomfortable I sat through a few movies and I remember non but I remember I had this horrid backpain it was like someone had lit a fire on my spine I couldn't sit or lye down in any position comfortably and  I was consumed with pain but I was waiting on my water to break!

Just before ten pm I had started spotting on my bathroom visit and I was pleased for at last I had something tangible a real reason to go to the hospital. So I wake everyone up gently and say its time for me to go to the hospital after everyones initial panic we were off. I remember every pot hole in the road because it seemed to trigger an earthquake of pain, I wasn't aware that I was in labor and I wasn't aware I should have been timing my contractions because I wasn't sure, it was the 22nd of March 2005 and my due date was the 14th of April 2005.

We finally arrived at the hospital and they tried to offer me a wheelchair but I wasn't having it lol I was the picture of perfect strength! After paperwork and check in I was in the labor ward for a physical exam and that is when I was advised that I had dilated seven cms and I was three cms away from delivery 😳 I was shook I had done it I had endured the worst part of my labor on my own. I was then offered my first ever dose of pethidine which really calmed the pain down alot. I was in the labor room with a clock infront of me and I was counting minutes and hours from ten pm to about two am nothing really happened but waiting and watching the clock. My waters still hadn't broken and my baby was getting restless.the nurses decide to break my waters for me and boy was it more than the sixty millilitres I expected🙆‍♀️!

Finally my labor was back to progressing I went to 8 and 9 cms very fast and the nurses left me to go get my gynaecologist but while they were out I felt the baby pushing on me but there was noone to help so I silently closed my legs for at least two contractions and then finally the nurses and my gynaecologist came in and realised what had happened so they tried to get me to push on the third contraction but my baby was tired from fighting to come out and his heart was getting slow so my gynaecologist got a vacuum and sucked him out of me. This was not at all traumatic for my sixteen year old self no not at all😬

So a red baby comes out of me *it's too crazy to explain in detail* and all I do instantly is count toes and fingers while waiting to hear him cry as soon as that happened I felt relief and in that relief and in that moment all pain disappears and the last twenty four hours are a distant memory. It's all worth it for a healthy baby and in this moment women forget the pain and having another baby is a viable option 🤦‍♀️.  I was very lucky that morning at ten past three in the morning to deliver a healthy baby because in the labor room next to mine a lady passed on in labor and her baby was premature it was a very sobering scenario and again not at all traumatic for me😬. 

I looked at my baby after all this at about 4am and he just looked like an Anthony I hadn't thought on the name much and I was actually gonna name my son Ethan but then looking at him Anthony just came to me and so Anthony was born on the 23rd of March in 2005. The day I started mothering as a vocation. The day my life ceased to be about just me and the adventure of motherhood began for me. Eighteen years later and its still the greatest adventure of my life and a part of me I would never change even if I was offered a do over I wouldn't change a thing. 

The Unbecoming

We live in a world today of conformity, from the minute you open your eyes as a child you have people who think they know better guiding you and teaching you how to think and behave and for the first two decades of your life you are moulded into a little robot imbeded with your parents knowledge and all their influences and beliefs and society dictates who you should be and how you should think and it pin points out the way you should lead your life.

The problem with me is that I was born stubborn, I have required justification and explanations for all rules and conformity has been my biggest downfall. I first realised this in school as they constantly beat me up for wanting explanations. I'm so glad the pointless beatings didn't crush my spirit or extinguish my curiosity over the years. I have evolved into a woman who isn't afraid to be different and come to her own conclusions in life. I know it has made many keep their distance but I don't mind! Actually when I die please put it on my tombstone that I was not afraid to think for myself and redefine my life for the fulfilment of my soul!

I'm at the happiest place in my life right now as I am able to do things differently I don't just practice robotics and join the rat race and compete with the world. I am an intentional woman with a clear and consise plan to be happy and true to my inner self daily! I set goals that I focus on but not in a way that causes self harm or hate I am on a journey of self discovery that allows me to create the best version of my self intentionally and lovingly. I am aware that I am an empath and I have the ability to bring others peace and to make them feel heard and I try my best to fulfil this calling that I'm also understanding more and more each day. I know my purpose is to speak I feel great amounts of revitalising energy and literally the hairs on back stand when I speak and connect with an audience regardless of the size so now I speak fearlessly and passionately. I have always shared my love for motherhood and now doing it on my own terms and probably being classified as a hippie parent gives me great joy! I love observing my children's individuality and seeing them evolve into who they are going to be be and not being too invested in who they become. I'm just their bigesst supporter and encourager of their own authenticity. I have discovered hobbies that bring me great joy too and I know that there is nothing I can't do if I set my mind to it!

This is where I have found my power I am nothing like anyone raised me to be. I sometimes fell like I have my parents turning in their graves, but I am honouring me now.I  am consciously being the best and most authentic version of myself and I love it. I'm not afraid of being rejected now for honouring me. I am not afraid of not fitting in or being liked I am on a road I love now. So my diamonds dare to be different! Dare to honour your inate desires and become authentic.its a road less travelled but the personal joy is insurmountable.

The Lonliness of Beauty

She sweats to make herself perfect 

Runway ready but why?

Like a rose picked to be forgotten 

She spends her days wilting in the sun

The work invested in becoming only to never be realised oh to be admired for a fleeting second but never valued for what is inside!

To wonder abut ones value and loses all hope in what she is worth 

Ignored one too many times and always forgotten her heart bleeds for the world 

But alas as only one person can, change is slow

She longs to heal the world loving everyone in sight caring as much as she can but deep down inside she depletes 

To be valued and admired from afar but in close range avoided like a plague to be genuine and only attract those with ill thoughts wrecks ones brain to change is unnatural to give an eye for eye leaves a bitter taste in ones mouth but the legacy she seems to have built is one of being forgotten and alone oh what a bittersweet life to give and not expect anything but alas one depletes then what she keeps going an empty cup with so much more to give.

Build it Better!!!

I always thought I loved myself dearly and that I was becoming authentic and doing right by me until I realised my addiction to narcissists. I thought I had escaped one in my ex husband but I have learnt that my abandonment issues had led me to many narcissists in various roles and forms in my life. I was surrounded by people who showed love and kindness to my face but were constantly manipulating me behind the scenes in the fear of losing me but doing things that would guarantee losing me which is truly mind baffling.

This year has really been one where I have had time and effort invested in my relationship with me and I have learnt so much. I'm starting to understanding that being silenced as a child made me silence my intuition I realised how I have struggled to voice my truth because of the need to not hurt people's feelings and in doing so I have gotten my own feelings destroyed over the years!

I honestly struggle to say I'm uncomfortable and I think it's my greatest lesson this year to bear a little discomfort in speaking my truth rather than letting resentment brew. I have seen how bad resentment brews and how it leads you to not like a person or fester in anger simply because you couldn't be disagreeable. I honestly understand the statement that if you don't deal with your childhood traumas your relationships will a bit more now. I was raised in an abusive home where words were used very carelessly and this gave me panic attacks and also led me to avoid confrontation at all costs. I was constantly sweeping all uncomfortable issues under the carpet. I realised I was the most vocal woman I know for everyone's issues in life except my very own which I found strange and this made me curious.

I was a great strong woman on the outside with a broken little girl on the inside screaming for love, attention and validation. I was unbalanced and I had to learn or I am still learning how to re-parent my inner child whilst parenting my own children which has been interesting because its three totally different individuals with totally different needs. 

In my reparenting journey I had learn to love broken me and not judge her mistakes and weaknesses it was acceptance that was key. Looking in the mirror and saying you are amazing its ok that nothing was perfect before but we have today and we can built it better! Self love can be exhausting mostly because you think you have got it right then you realise you still have little self destructive traits that lead you back to square one its constant work. It's also deep uncomfortable work too because the mind tells you your ok but you behavior shows you there are holes or blind spots that you have missed.

My point is that we are constantly growing and evolving and seem to be moving forward but sometimes we have to understand that our bad habits and traits date back to decades ago and its never too late to show yourself some kindness and patience to right a few wrongs to better yourself for tomorrow. I honestly can confess to enjoying my singleness this year mostly because it's been me time like never before. I always spent alot of time searching and running away from my singleness however this year I have sat in it and enjoyed it for its discomfort and the curiosity its stirred in me and the creativity it has brought about in my life and i have realised I'm quite an amazing person and I love my own company faults and all! You learn the good the bad and the ugly but its all you noone is perfect embrace your imperfect self regardless of what you know and love love love thy self my diamonds❤️ 

The love I never saw coming!

I always share my lessons when I can, and I think I understand myself a little more now than ever before. I think I am finally unlearning some things that the broken people that raised me ingrained in me. I'm

 

less afraid of being wrong and I'm more OK with not being liked. The first thing I want to acknowledge is how grateful I am to have been blessed with knowledge and enlightenment. It's such an honour and privilege to have a seat that my imposter syndrome likes to point out that I don't deserve on tables I'd never have imagined to sit at. To all my friends, mentors, and loved ones that have entered my life, I appreciate you all so much! Thank you.

 

The last decade has been nothing short of amazing, and I always like to say I have fully lived my 33 years on this earth because when I look back, I am totally blown away! To give you some perspective, a decade ago I drove a matchbox. I was malnourished, especially mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I was in full survival mode, not living in the present, not feeling or experiencing much. Some experiences are just a blur to me right now. I could barely afford to educate my children or feed them. My outlook on life was dim, and I could barely see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had just walked out of a seven-year marriage and threw all my security away because I wanted to be loved right!

 

At the time, many laughed at me, and very few held my hand and were prepared to walk with me. The first lesson I learnt then was that I was responsible for my choices and that I could not preempt anyone's responses or actions as a result of my choices. This was a hard lesson to learn, but I'm so glad to have learnt it young. Another lesson I learnt from being pregnant so young was to take responsibility for my actions, again, this has been such an anchoring lesson in my life, and it has spared me a lot of unnecessary pain.

 

Today the world may see me as indifferent to who I was ten years ago when I set out on a journey to find the love I deserved, but today I realise that while my relationship status is indeed single or divorced, my love life has truly flourished. I found and fell in love with myself, and it has been such a magical journey! I am learning to trust myself, travelling and dining on my own, appreciating my wins and victories, and looking in the mirror and smiling back at myself, realising we have survived so much. Considering all we have faced, and yet here we are glowing and smiling and taking each day as it comes as if we have never been disappointed or hurt before! In this discovery, I have found my peace, hope, and joy in life.

 

My greatest lesson in the last decade is that I went out to look for the love I had within. I couldn't stay in a loveless marriage because the barometer for love resided within me. The standard was set probably at birth and I couldn't and still can't accept half love because the greatest love I can experience comes from within and this is why your intuition is so important as it is the purest part of you. So if I ever share a lesson with you in life, it's this: spend time alone, listen to yourself, become one with yourself, and love yourself like your life depends on it because it certainly does! let my diamonds shine brightly from within.

2021

I started this year very afraid as I had covid and four short days into the year I lost a friend to covid,  it was debilitating to say the least.i was consumed with grief and fear and just three days later I emerged covid free and with a birthday to celebrate but I honestly felt survivors guilt. Why was I so lucky to be alive while my friend died without a child and leaving behind a beautiful fiancee? I resolved then to do better, to be better and to be worthy of my life, I sit here today happy to know I made a whole hearted attempt.

The year started on a low and so it could only go up and yes it did until it had to come down all over again like an actual rollercoaster! I guess that's life good times and bad times are constant. Death haunted me this year, I have always struggled with death in that in numbs me and takes me back to when I lost my parents. I don't know if I will ever be comfortable with death I don't know if I will ever be able to grieve without expecting another shoe to drop, but it does make me want to treasure my every breath a little more.

As always this year I dove deeper in my introspection this year and realised how I had been living my life in survival mode. Where getting by each day was the normal I was like a robot following a routine I was existing but not living! I allowed so many moments to go by without experiencing them and I realised this only because when I tried to recall why I did certain things I had no recollections of my emotions or my thought processes which was rather unsettling. I had to snap out if it , I had to breath in the air, smell the flowers and marvel at the sunsets more!

This I did very passionately, I started from with in, with my body. I fell in love with myself all over again faults and all. I fell in love with how I looked and took great pride in my body and my diet and I learnt so much about myself and how my body reacts to what I eat and how I treat it. This is where I learnt self love isn't just about loving what I see in the mirror it's about loving myself from my head to my toes, this is just a deep learning experience that I think continues constantly as you grow.

I learnt to love my hair as it is curly and messy and my face without make up I learnt to feel beautiful as the bare imperfect canvas God created me to be. It gave me so much peace and I cared less and less of what people's opinions of me were. I still love to dress up but now it's not to be seen it's just an expression of who I am. I own Donna-Ray a whole lot more these days you can see more of her character lately not just sad eyes pretending to be ok! I know I am an empath and I wear my heart on my sleeve I know that makes me very vaunerable and the users may come in droves but I love me and I love the light I bring into world and I will not allow fear to change me or make me dim my light!

I have learnt to be kinder to myself and I listen more carefully to my self talk, I hear my thoughts more clearly and I intentionally speak more kindly to myself. I have learnt to be more understanding of my choices and not hold myself to unreachably high standards and appreciate all my efforts to date 😊 I handle myself with care and protect my peace like I do my kids and for it all I am happier and understand more how much happiness is an inside job and as a result very few things steal my joy and sadness never lasts long here. So my diamonds take time to love yourself this year from your head to your toes!

The road to Authenticity

I am learning to love growth its messy and confusing but its liberating too, I nearly made the mistake of claiming to have been going around in circles and dealing with the same demons as before but I noticed a change a small but relevant change in me.

I deal differently now and I respond in new ways. I used to struggle with confrontation and speaking up for myself, i would go into actual stress mode because i did not want to create tension and sadly

 i would go unheard. Im glad this has changed i still hate having uncomfortable conversations but its imperative to speak my mind now more than ever, i used to coast and squeeze myself into uncomfortable spaces just to keep the peace im so glad that's not me anymore.

Every day I see an old layer of me on the floor and I throw it in the bin. I am a vulnerable and honest person that's unafraid of being herself even though it causes me hurt and pain and i get told often im too much or I do too much but its me, all i can do with this life is be me even if noone in this world understands me or appreciates me at this stage the biggest loss would be to hide my light so others can shine. I also had to start setting boundaries as I realised I had none which is something I don't think I was consciously aware of I had been people pleasing for so long and hustling for worthiness that I had totally allowed people to come and go in my life as they pleased and stopping this has been a very hard adjustment for all to accept, but very necessary.

The road of authenticity, i have been on the quest of self discovery and acceptance and love and my new favourite term is authenticity. For me its important to honour my reasons for being on this earth and for being whom God created me to be, I  want to consistently be me, every version you encounter of Donna- Ray should be genuine and should allow you to be the real you without fear of judgement. This is the goal i am working towards and the task is unlearning everything I was taught and removing all the negative declarations on my life which is a fair amount of never ending work.it also means I am constantly evolving and I am constantly work in progress but I'm exited about this process as it unapologetically me.

My diamonds be bold, be courageous and shine as bright as you can even in the darkness and it will always be dark before the light comes. I love you and care for you all.be bold, be brave and be authentic ❤️ 

2020

Just the title alone gives me a wave of emotions but we could never write this year off as terrible entirely. It's the year I learnt to be alone and whole. The lessons I learnt this year are so numerous and I am grateful for them. The last four years had me going at full speed non stop and the initial stall of 2020 was a welcomed stillness. I got a moment to slow down and digest the last few years. What a much needed change in pace, in life until it dragged on for nine months OMG! I got a little restless and took a weekend off of my quarantine life and what a mistake it was! After being a good and compliant citizen I went to an event or three and boom the worst that could happen happened! Unbelievable it was like falling pregnant after an experiment all over again!

I am grateful to be alive and to be able to breathe with ease in thirty years I have never had to focus on the small blessing but this year I did . I managed to reflect on my life my weakness' and strengths and give myself a break because it has been a pretty good life. There is always room for improvement but truly I have fought a good fight.

I caught a virus that killed my friends and family and I was fortunate to come out of it unscathed and for this battle I am extremely grateful to have won. I learnt working from home is an easy ten kilogram weight gain and I also learnt my home can double up as a gym too. I learnt to love my vegetables for their life saving qualities before I needed them to save my life, again only God prepares you for the unseen in such a way and for this I am grateful. This year my kids surpassed me in foot size and height and realised I am indeed about to be the smallest in my family or at least the shortest how crazy is that! Again I am so grateful for their lives and health and how their personalities are developing, I can safely say the next few years are set to interesting and entertaining for me.

I have learnt the value of small circles and building my tribe, a party of 8 is the most fulfilling these days.I have observed alot and really just chilled like never before. I have learnt to honour my mind for the strong machine it is and appreciate how its kept me going always. I honour my body for its unending strength I remember being called a V8 engine when I was young today I appreciate that title alot more. I have learnt to listen to me to honour my desires and to lift my spirits. I learnt to let go because so much doesn't matter any more and I felt the comfort and freedom of forgiveness of how much lighter I am now.

This has been a good year not because it was easy but because the warrior in me got the opportunity to shine. It was a great year because I passed many tests and I know from here on I am fully capable of all I set out to do and of conquering any difficulties I may face. Gaining confidence in my ability to take on life knowing it isn't easy is the blessing I have gained in 2020 and is how I will deal with all that comes my way in 2021!

Cheers to happy new year! May 2021 pleasantly surprise us all!

Dear Woman

Dear Woman

 Do not be ashamed of who you are

 For you are the pillar of strength and power

For ages you have been our world's caregiver

Nature's true mother

And God's own ambassador

The world is formed from you and you complete it

You are the diamond that glitters in bright light in this dark world today

You are a symbol of love, tenderness and care

If only you knew how precious you are

Oh dear woman

Dear Woman

Did you ever know that you are a man's joy and happiness

His wise counsel and oracle of wisdom

Yet your value is not much appreciated in a man's world

You suffer silently and quietly out of love for everybody's sake

You rise early morning to attend to your family

You ensure everyone is cared for

But who cares for you?

Yet you put on a brave face and a smile and stand beside the man who takes all your glory

If only I could take your pain and sorrow away

And replace with endless joy 

Just for you to shout and leap for joy

Oh dear woman

Dear Woman

Now your time has come to take your rightful place

With confidence in yourself and boldness

Your new world is set before you

Take hold of it and claim your freedom

No more tears  no more sorrows

No more playing second best

No more feeling unworthy

No more feeling sorry for yourself

It is your time to shine

And that time is now

You are a queen

Get ready to put your crown of glory back on

And reign reign and reign

I honour you today and forever

Oh dear woman.

Great words by my dear friend Kwame Sarpong

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2018

I feel I owe you all some insight to my 2018. It was an awesome year full of great adventure and lessons too.

Where to start now? I guess New Year's eve is a good place to start. I was with my then beau getting tipsy in a bar with mostly strangers but happy in that moment.The happiness resonates strongly with the year. I had many unforgettable moments this year that carried me through the tough times.

My birthday the next week was awesome, a whole weekend of celebration with my friends. I was mostly surrounded, but still a little empty.

 This was the first of my lessons this year, being surrounded constantly but still having a deep set loneliness that haunts the soul.

I ignored my soul I felt it never was  satisfied lately always wanting more or was I running again? Had I settled without realising it? Having an outside that looked so good I ignored my most important true self? I brushed it off. Surely, I had learned. I had survived a divorce I couldn't be settling again.........

I kept moving following motions I set in place for reasons that I seemed very uncertain about but it was too late to stop. The wheel gotta keep going now right?

My son turned 13 in March OH boy!! I was never ready to be a mom to a teenager, we really need to be handed manuals after labor! The innocent loving boy that once saw his whole world in me was unrecognisable and constantly angry. I never had the joy of truly experiencing my teenage years as I became a mum young and well granny raised me so there was no time to be angry or to give attitude. When you're raised by your granny you learn to behave or, she will beat the teenage outta you! So I stayed in my lane until I got pregnant....this fact and background, is what scared me the most. This is the age where my young man is so easily influenced. I had to get back into his head and boy was this work! Letting him tell me his feelings and experiences which all seemed trivial to me at the time, but to him were big issues so I had to take a step back and try to understand without judging and giving too many blunt solutions.....this was extremely hard, I seem to have coped I think.....

I had to leave my kids this year for six weeks to fulfil a dream of mine which was to have a varsity experience. As a Mandela Washington Fellow. I got to go to one of the best business schools in America the Kellogg School of Buisness what an opportunity and experience this was for me. The exposure, information and connections I made on this trip were invaluable and the experience was amazing. I was so at home in Chicago it was so unreal. I was viewed as a latina by the locals so I felt so at home. 

My time in America was purely selfish. I spent very little time focused on my life back home beyond making sure all was well. I fully immersed myself in the experience and made adventures that when I share now, show full immersion in a new experience. The major take aways from my experience were that it was OK for me not to be the smartest in a room and not to be the baddest in everything, this was a hard lesson. I won't lie I felt more inadequate than OK at the time. I learnt that I have a well adjusted personality that could settle anywhere in the world. I lived with 8 ladies and 16 gentlemen from all over Sub-Saharan Africa. It was interesting. I accepted that my self confidence really makes other girls a tad bit uncomfortable and so they were mostly guarded around me. The boys loved me so I chilled with the boys mostly and cooked for everyone. The American girls were liberal like me and we got on very well.

I was liberated by not needing to be liked and embracing my differences. I learnt to enjoy my own company and  go on adventures alone. I realised the mother in me dominates, as I mothered everyone around me. I accepted that this is a part of who I am, a mother. It’s a role I have played most of my life and one I love. I gained confidence in losing it, such an oxymoron, yet a very interesting experience. The most important lesson or affirmation I got in my time away is that for someone who took a detour in life, I caught all the way up to my peers in fact I may have overtaken them.This allowed me to get out of my head and stop feeling like I had so much to make up for because I made a mistake when I was young.

Coming home was awesome. The kids appreciated me more. A little absence definitely makes the heart grow fonder!

After spending so much time away,  it felt right that I take the munchkins away too for three weeks at the end of the year which they loved.

To summarise, my year was rich in experience and adventure, empty in true love and soul satisfaction but I owned it and kinda heard my soul. Even though I did not take much action within the year, I heard myself and its all part of the process and just to reassure you all I took action in 2019!

The Template

So it's been a long minute and I apologise for my silence life has been happening and mostly by life I mean adult education its intense and renders you lifeless at times. I have been growing and so much has happened and I will try and bring you up to speed,however my major breakthrough that has me out here breaking my silence is one of great importance and significance to me.

I read my blog the other day and I was almost brought to tears in sadness that I am in the exact same place now relationship wise that I was in many years ago and that reality cut deep. I then i came across a quote that said that God will keep giving the same lesson in life until you learn the lesson or something along those lines and so being the curious minded individual that I am I went to learn and understand my lesson so I stop the circling in insanity.

My search landed me in therapy, which I am so glad I went for and well in talking we unearthed my daddy issues and how I keep dating my father. As my dad was never really present in my life i spent alot of my childhood chasing him when ever I saw him and he would tell me I'm too much or I talk too much and this that or the other. He really gave me the impression that i was undeserving of his love and attention and that got embedded in my template and I came up with the idea that i am not good enough and therefore I should settle even though I'm very uncomfortable settling.

This great lesson demistifies alot of my struggles in relationships.I have kept myself busy not asking for too much and settling for men who are not brave enough to acknowledge my awesomeness and attempt to give me the love I deserve and desire. The very smart gentlemen I am attracted to that are master manipulators that use my honesty against me to keep me stuck in relationships that meet non of my needs but invoke me to give of all of me.

What a journey it had been and how I spent so much time searching and wondering what's wrong with me only to find out nothing at all. I am a Great multi talented beautiful woman whom in thirty years had not had her heart cared for the way she needs and this is not a call for sympathy but rather a celebration of knowledge. I am no victim and I allowed these relationships in my life maybe because of a subconscious indoctrination that was embedded in me from childhood however I know better now. I trust and love myself first and I will listen to the inner me more often and I'm sure I will save myself from alot of unnecessary pain.

I hope this blog resonates with someone who is frustrated because they dont get it why can't you find the right one? Hunny because  the first relationship you have to win at is the one with yourself, keep shinning diamonds and continue to grow....

13years later Mummy diaries

I am in awe at how time flies just 13 years ago I was holding my baby boy by this time born at 3.10 am and weighing 3.06 kgs after about 17 hours of labor. I remember so vividly that my first instinct was to check for 10 fingers and 10 toes, and then we waited for the cry,  but my little boy made me catch a breathe first, after an awkwardly long few minute pause he then broke the silence. I laid back in the labor bed in happiness, I had done it! Successfully brought life onto this earth, with God's help, and what a joy it is to be a mother, there is no purpose like it on this earth. I immediately went from being a girl, to a mother and it was an amazing feeling.

Not having been raised by my mother and also being very young I planned on being the best mother ever. It is sad that while my intentions were good they didn't come from the right place and I think this is when my journey of needing to show the world I can do It all began. I was prepared to be the best young mother, student and wife this world had ever seen, and as age was on my side, I didn't tire much.

Unfortunately hours after my son was born he turned blue and off to the incubator he went and then the horror of being a mother set in, the worry and concern of how to make what you don't know or understand better began. Fortunately prayer gives sanity, so I prayed and began my nursery shift, every two hours I had to go in and express milk and check on my baby. I was so enthusiastic about it, the nurses loved me, I am sure at my age they expected me to be clueless lol.

The nursery wasn't a fun place to be in there were young premature babies that were really ill or babies that had just lost their mum's. I was shocked and collapsed upon initial sight of it all, but after that initial shock I became a soldier, I was determined to get my son out of there as soon as possible and that we did. This was mostly because it was Easter  and I wanted hot cross buns and not hospital food lol. Four days later my son had a clean bill of health and we were out of the maternity clinic and off home, what a relief.

Anthony was the easiest baby to raise, his goals in life were strictly to eat and sleep and I loved him for it. It also helped that he was breathtakingly handsome and I couldn't help but fall in love with my son and keep him content,  no one really realized there was a baby in the house until bath time.... I recall my mother in law asking if he was able to cry lol. 

How time changes, now his very opinionated but still such a pleasure to raise and very respectful.13 years ago God gave me the greatest gift I could have asked for and I just want to thank him. Thank you God I couldn't have asked for a better assignment in this world its the most fulfilling task ever, being a mother! As we begin this next leg of the journey continue with me and equip me with all I need to do all I need to do. Again God Thank you so so much you are too awesome!!!!!

2017

This has been an interesting year with alot of ups and downs and uncertainty however in the end I learnt alot of valuable lessons. Now where to start.....I think I have discovered happiness and it's not human induced happiness, It's a joy and self love from deep within. This happiness has allowed me to take a step back and always remember "not my circus , not my monkeys". I have had moments where I got emotionally invested in situations that neither added value nor subtracted value from my life, and I had to learn to let things go. This was necessary for me to actually realise that I'm not doing bad in my life's journey*high five*.

At times I think we get so caught up in the world and in chasing the next dream, that we rarely sit back and appreciate the distance we have covered. My 2018 is all about living in the moment and accepting the gift of the present. I have so so much to be grateful for and I must say I am completely excited about this year it's going to be my absolute best year yet, I can feel it!

So from 2017 I will highlight my gratitude, gratitude for great health and for sticking to a fitness lifestyle for over a year and counting. I also tried my first ever diet, Yes I did the Banting diet and I lost 7 kgs, absolutely wow!!! Was it hard YES and did I cheat  just a little but what did I learn from it? Discipline and the fact that Donna can survive without KFC lol. It completely created a new awareness of what I eat. I now put a whole lot more thought into my meals, I drink more water and fruits are my life. In all honesty eating healthy isn't that bad or hard and the benefits are gorgeous.

I'm grateful for my kids growth a whole year and no hospital visits or broken bones *whoop whoop* I made the discovery that my son is an adrenaline junkie and I enabled a few of his highs this year ,  in hope it's all a passing phase. The young man is a teenager now, he has his first girlfriend and has done fairly well in his first ever public exam! I marvel at how time has flown by, I am mostly grateful of our relationship he trusts me more and his free to tell me about his life which is really important as we embark on the teenage years.

Miss Nicole has finally kicked her shyness to the curb!!!She has blossomed this year and her confidence has bloomed. She is so much of me, it is frightening however its also very exciting to observe. This little girl brings me so much joy, love and entertainment, she is the little free spirit I couldn't be and I am so glad to be able to allow her to be. All my hard work and drive in life is because I have the most amazing children in the world and I feel it is my duty to give them an amazing life.

I am grateful to see in another year its almost my new year now, my birthday, I am in awe and the debut the new year has made and it really has me excited about this year. I am happy and enthusiastic, I am giving love another chance and I continue to build myself in every way possible. I strive for excellence is all I do and I desire to live a fulfilled well balanced life. I actively plan and execute my plans as best as I can to reach my goals and if I fail I keep on trying! For 2018 dear diamonds I want you to fail forward! fail and get back up and try again never allow yourself to be stagnant keep on moving forward,

Why I Love You......

I love you because I never planned to,
I never went out searching nor did I feel ready to love,
Our roads just came to a sudden convergence,
I never thought you would catch my eye until you were all I saw.

So subtle were  your charms and advancements.

I had no idea of the time or place you stole my heart,

This is no complaint on my part-meeting you unlocked
every piece pf me,
It seems from the very start!

All there was and is, is excitement at the mere thought of you......
So in sync was our connection, words like fate rolled from my lips,
So intense was our attraction I feared lust,
So swift did we progress that I assumed infatuation had me bust.

And yet, I love you, because everyday, I am drawn in deeper,,
And deeper.

I love you because you never asked me to love you,
It's so rare to find a genuine connection in this day,
So uncommon to feel safe in someone's arms
Unusual to trust and care this deeply for another.

My love, how far out you have brought me from my cocoon,

My rare jewel that I have stumbled upon-accidentally.
I love you because I had no other option other than to try,
To go down this frightening path I hadn't dared chance in a while,
To love as if my heart was never broken before.

I love you because you love me too.

No words fully express what you mean to me,

My ray of sunshine, my world all in one,

My excitement for tomorrow,
And why I believe in love again.

2016

Wow what a year, 2016 has been nothing short of amazing. I learnt so much this year and I can safely call it one of my best years thus far in life.

My favourite starting point is my little people, Nicole started grade one this year and lost another two teeth. My baby girl is growing and I cant control it and the scary and yet exciting part of it is that she is becoming more and more like me. She has evolved and has grown so much she is very interesting now, understanding her character and listening to her thought patterns has been very enlightening. My school runs have been something I have looked forward to this year as its the best time to get daily updates on the kids lives.

As for Anthony, his voice broke and the preteen acne got him (oh nooo) I also suspect the young man is hiding a relationship from me (we will deal with this one later). This is the scariest part of raising kids I think , when hormones kick in and they become teenagers (I pray against rebellion). I pray everyday for strength and wisdom and most importantly for God's leadership otherwise I have no chance at sucess in this role. This year I had great interesting moments with my kids we travelled more together and learnt a little more about our family and did alot more activities  together time well spent on my part.

One of my personal advantages of being a young mum is the experience I have gained. Parenting is a learning process we are always in class and I must confess that lately the semesters are getting better the relationships I have with my kids are nothing short of amazing and they are my driving force in life. The kids are at the ages where communication is clear and we are a closer family unit now and I love it and I pray it gets better. My sister and family relationships have improved I tried to do something special for each of them this year and I think i did an ok job so that's a positive on this front. I spent quality time with other family members which was awesome family is key in life and I am embracing it more and more.

My career improved as expected and i got promoted to Team leader which has been interesting, I went from having one mentee to leading 6 individuals. New ground for me, to not only work for me but for the whole unit. It has been interesting having to learn to think about others before myself on the career front . The greatest discovery for me was that I can do anything I put my mind to, absolutely anything I decide on achieving is within reach this has been so liberating for me this year. Leadership is my skill to develop in the coming year and I look forward to becoming a great leader.  I feel I have grown as an advisor too which has been amazing the confidence I now command in meetings and the results of good decisions are a great comfort for me. I absolutely love my job and I am excited for the year ahead so much to learn and tackle and growth is always on the cards.

I start my CFA in 2017 wish me luck as this year i did well in my exams and I am ready to give the brain more work. I look forward to learning new things and as I declared before each year gets better and this is definitely something that gives me great excitement for each new year. My best measure for growth at the end of each year is if I am a better quality of person now than I was at the start of the year and using this measure I can say I have grown. My real new year starts on my birthday next week but as always I wish you prosperity, growth and sucess in 2017 make this year amazing diamonds.

Know thy Self

Self mastery is the ultimate key to happiness and yet our greatest fear why though? how many times have you had a loving heart to heart with yourself? It is so easy to come down harshly on yourself or not to trust yourself and yet that is this worst experience you could give yourself. One of my successful lessons and experiences this year was learning to love and trust myself, I admit this was not easy as I was my worst enemy however, I am getting better at this everyday now. I am me the good, the bad, the ugly and the pretty too and the more I own this the happier I become. Ownership and accountability we seem to chase these alot externally, then wonder why in doing so we never feel fulfilled internally. This is because charity begins at home always!

Knowing and trusting myself has been an interesting journey mostly because it hardly ends, and it involves alot of conversations with yourself, I call it seeking expert advice. My first task I think was in isolating myself, a very daunting task for me as I love people however I learnt how to be alone this year. Great peace came from this, when we are constantly surrounded and on the go life becomes very noisy and truth be told we can't hear ourselves and we miss alot. When we take the time to quiet down and think through our actions and decisions we become tactical, strategic and organised. I love who I am and where I m going in life however the progress I have made in one year surpasses that of my lifetime.

In understanding, loving and accepting Donna I have achieved more than I had expected to achieve and most importantly I unlocked strength and courage. This year I believe I came to the realization that anything I set my mind on doing I can do, I learnt nothing is impossible which is insane but also so liberating and exciting. The hard and impossible life process became possible, the difficult roads to walk became must experience adventures and all this by a simple mindset change. I took full control and responsibility for me, I did not look for excuses or for people and situations to blame, I became a solution provider for myself and if I couldn't come up with a solution it was normally because the problem was beyond my control and in such cases there is a prepared response for various outcomes.

The next step was self discipline this one is tough the little rebellious self resides in you and controlling her is the real challenge. This is such an important process and yet im sure this is where most of us lose the battle, again ''expert advice'' must be sought continuously. My best activity to instill self discipline was the gym and developing new habits, I literally had to train myself like I was a pet which seems crazy but true. Humans have the most powerful minds but we waste them we let our minds get programmed by the TV and coast through life. I have taken to feeding my mind and body mostly that which is good and necessary for it. I could go on for days but this is meant to be food for thought for you. Do you know you?, do you understand you? and most importantly after knowing you can you love you? The answers need to be yes to these questions if not you have work to do, know thy self.

A woman by Myanmar Angelou/Pamela Redmond

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....

Enough money within her control to move out...
And rent a place of her own
even if she never wants to
or needs to...
Something perfect to wear if the employer
or date of her dreams wants to See Her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
A youth she's content to leave behind....
A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her Old Age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
A set of screwdrivers,
a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
One friend who always makes her laugh...
And one Who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
A good piece of furniture not previously owned
by anyone else in her Family...
Eight matching plates,
wine glasses with stems,
And a recipe for a meal that will make
her guests feel Honored...
A feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to fall in love without losing herself..
HOW TO QUIT A JOB,
BREAK UP WITH A LOVER,
AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT
RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...
When to try harder...
And WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
That she can't change the length of her calves,
The width of her hips,
or the nature of her parents..
That her childhood may not have been perfect...
But it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
How to live alone...
Even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Whom she can trust,
Whom she can't,
And why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Where to go...
Be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
Or a charming inn in the woods...
When her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she can and can't accomplish in a day...
A month...
And a year... ॐ

Written By: Maya Angelou/Pamela Redmond Satran