Closing chapters

Every journey has a lifespan and every chapter has an end, I have seen myself grow a little this year it has not been the growth i wanted or expected but its growth nonetheless I can safely say that i am learning to take life as it comes. I was accustomed to fighting, be it fate or reality i was ever ready for battle. I find myself in submission to life now and i guess the beauty lies in seeing spades as they are, opposed to how i want them to be. This insight has seen me able to end a chapter in my life not because i wanted it to end, but because its end had come.





A profound chapter in my life began at 15 for me, i met a man and i shared a major chunk of my youth with this man. It has been a long journey of nine years with him, with many ups and downs. I have learnt so much from this journey, i loved wholeheartedly and i married my Prince. This was life as i thought it should be, but in life we love and we learn. I learnt many lessons, some i never wanted to learn and i spent a lot of time with my arms folded in protest, and in rage at life. Reality then struck me, i was given lemons and i went sour opposed to making lemonade. How unsporty of me i thought, well in all honestly love is the one emotion capable of altering anyone whether you want it to or not.








Today i am happy to end a chapter in my life, it has been an important one in my life, it has added significantly to who i am today. I have chosen to learn from all the bad and to cherish all the good, but most importantly i am letting the chapter close and i am ready for a new chapter. Self healing doesnt always happen when we want it to and so often we hardly notice that we are healed, however it is neccesary and it does make life happier and healthier when we welcome it.My life has transformed since i stopped fighting life, and it’s looking brighter and brighter each day, i have finally signed my name at the end of a chapter in my life and i anxiously await to write my next chapter.

I never knew......

I never knew that letting him in meant this

All he asked for was a simple kiss

I never knew where it would all lead

All i know is there is none here to kid

I never knew i was letting him in

Though with me he has been from the beginning

I never knew every minute mattered

All i know is without him im scattered

I never knew he meant everything he said

Slowly he seems to be getting through to me

I never knew that it only required patience to break my walls

I see them crumbling everyday

I never knew i would be so afraid

I never knew love would find me like this

I'm coming out of hiding and I don’t like it

I never knew I would let go and let love take over

Oh my how I wish I hadn't, walls are built to protect

I never knew it would be such bliss, ever thinking of his kiss

I never knew happiness like I know it now

Being me has never been this easy, a painless blissful love

I never knew this is where I would be

Closing doors and moving forward like I needed to

I never knew I deserved this freedom and happiness

Nor did i ever believe i was worthy

I smile now because I never knew but now I do!

Rejection

This I would say is one of the greatest fears of mankind today, everyone wants to be loved and accepted in society and yet acceptance is almost impossible to attain. Everyday people grovel and fight for the acceptance and approval of parents, children, friends and loved ones; some to their advantage and unfortunately many to no avail.

We have based our livelihood on running from rejection, at the very expense of our sanity and well being. The fear of its’ reality is one so bone chilling that anything beats the thought of it alone being the actual experience. Many have likened the feeling to death, a numb state of dismay and utter horror knowing that the one whom you looked to for love and assurance can no longer be or will no longer be there. A state of non-comprehension and dismay, physical pain is of no consequence, life ceases to hold meaning or value in the eyes of the rejected.

Down cast and ridden to an empty void of utter loneliness, bordering on depression, being rejected cuts deep for most and leaves many disoriented. Without a single clue as to how to fill the present void some run out to find a rebound to make the pain or confusion disappear others let their hearts ache and some become bitter and angry. Rejection affects everyone at one point or another and it rocks every world it hits, how you take the blow is what defines us.

All through my early childhood I experienced rejection; over the years it became a powerful stronghold I could not just shake off. With the passing of time my mindset was so chained to the thought I was not good enough. I was so miserable and so far away from living the purpose that destiny had laid out for me. For a while it was so bad that I began to believe that people were justified in rejecting me .I began to think I deserved not only to be rejected, but also to be pitied. In the end I decided to self medicate by avoiding rejection .I was just rejecting anyone and everyone who came close to me. I was so numb and immune to anyone’s emotional needs. Not knowing better the very same thing I hated I sought to do to others. Call it madness or insanity I am so guilty of it. Yet I know I am far from being alone in this corner.

Unfortunately you can’t run forever and eventually you meet the ill fate you have handed to many, I recall the dismay when it happened to me. The man I thought would sweep my feet away told me I was not good enough. This time I did not put on the ‘kick-me' sign pity face. I decided to be an enchantress and weave some magic and make this man love me. Like a caterpillar a process of metamorphosis occurred in my brain I sought power, revenge and success. I believed these three entities would shield me from future encounters of rejection and get my man back. The man I lost, however success did come but it came at a cost. Love was lost in the abyss of self. Lonely nights I endured in my comforts until a penny dropped, life didn’t have to be this way. Love was the thing that could heal me and that would only come with me accepting the past and leaving the past behind. A newness of life sprung within me. Eureka! I thought; so it’s that simple I thought. Yes I have been rejected but hey it stops today I am taking back my life and living it the way it’s meant to be.

Since undertaking this new path of thinking I realised forgiveness would play a major role in my healing. Forgiving myself for the choices I have made and also forgiving the very same people that have hurt me. I am working progress and I love the journey like a diamond it’s a daily polishing that makes me shine brighter every day. 

Checking in

I haven't written in a minute mostly because too much has been going on in my life, it’s been insane but I have missed this time tremendously. I have learnt that I can't write when I'm all over the place I need a quiet and calm environment for my heart to speak. I am just ecstatic that I'm in my happy peaceful state again i truly hope.

I have been on an overworking spree it has been exhausting and very unnecessary but I guess the head bump helps bring the lesson home, Hard work is always commendable but it is not always necessary, so I have learnt. Somehow we are past the midst of the year and I'm hazed by how swiftly the months have gone by. The past seven months have been very eventful, I desired to make changes *again* but good changes some never made sense when I made them but now they do, lost friends, gained friends, made progress and back tracked a bit too.

On a high note I have met some amazing people thus far it’s been an experience, I have learnt something that i can say i had forgotten. In this life we live we tend to forget that we are on earth by God's will and ultimately to fulfill his plan in our life, somehow we manage to forget this and take full control of our lives and make plans that mostly are not God’s. This is when events begin to occur in order to highlight this simple truth. “We live to learn and learn to live” i guess so lets get out our note pads as we live lol.

On a low note, I have lost too many already this year it’s been hectic, i never take death very well and death has knocked down my door successively to the point where it all seemed to be a bad joke and a very hard pill to swallow.I have noticed that death does come with life, a lot of babies are being born and well i guess this is life, we lose and we gain, honestly though we spend a lot of time on the loss and ignore the gain but that is just selfish human nature which we are all guilty of. I have loads to share i hope i have all the time to share, sometimes i have all the words and nothing to write it’s insane. I will keep at it though i need my me time where i talk to the world as wise sister at times or as a crazy youth, be blessed and spread love where ever you are today.

A tribute to my dear friend O'neal R.I.P

 This year i lost a dear friend and a witting partner

this was one of the last things he wrote before he was murdered

 was the poem below rest in peace O'neal i miss you:

Sometimes God Loves a Lullaby

God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves a drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out, singing out.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The release of power

She is backed in a corner, like vultures they lean in

Her only task is to pick one and then they all fall back

Can she, will she, must she really

Sweat cascades down her face, she is in a panic

She was doing just fine constantly on the run

Why now, why must she make a choice

She knows it’s time to stop the running

Time to stop the meaningless chase

The dice are in hand but, will she throw them?

She knows the meaning of the thrust

It symbolizes her letting go of the power,

 Which she so dearly loves and cherishes

She crunches, her belly aches,  this is a painful experience

It has been an easy and merry journey thus far,

Her only concern was herself, why must it change

She knows she needs a companion but she is afraid

Afraid of the choice she may make, will it be right?

History has shown she has never really been the best judge of charterer

Why can’t she just meander past this point, stress sets in

She paces back and forth, why is this so difficult

The power was her comforter, her shield from reality

Must this really be the end of her reign of terror

She is very unsettled, the acidity in her body rises

Then she recalls the joy of being in love

Oh how she longs to be in Love, really and truly

She knows she has been living a lie            

Preaching that she is rock hard when all she longs for is to be loved

The games and the power, were all but a distraction

 She feels a wave of surety, this is what she wants

Confident all of a sudden, she is ready to take a leap of faith

She drops it all the power, the hurt, the anger she leaves it all behind

Love here she comes

Every tear drop

Today is my mother's 3 year death anniversary and well i am at that stage where i go into num lock *theoretically*.  It's technically meant to be a very emotional day with various protocol involving  a cemetery visit and all, but in reality it isn't, it's just another day and you literally forget the significance of the day until you see the date or get a reminder.

When i realized the date i felt a bit bad but honestly i didn't shed a tear my heart bleeds as something is evidently missing, but more than anything else i am angry at the fact that life is so unfair. I have been to one too many funerals this year and they give me  a headache i just can't deal with this reality why are we put on this earth to witness so many injustices? It is so heartbreaking for me that we are here on this earth waiting for either ourselves or the one's around us to be ripped from this earth.

When i cry my tears are solely for the injustice in this world and the frustrations of the reality of life, I know it profits nothing to be so negative but it is a reality we have to deal with. I am not depressed just in a different zone and writing from a different space. Every tear drop represents one thing or the other it's helpful to understand it's meaning.

A little Insight

I am a lover of power and control an admirer of people and a friend to many I have an unfulfilled desire for success and a desire for acceptance which I know I may never receive but that doesn't kill the desire. I grew up very average with a beautiful mind, no one ever really understood me as a child but that never mattered I just knew greatness lay ahead and beginnings are not as important as the endings. I have always had an unquenchable thirst for independence and I strongly feel that no one is like me and I know very few will truly appreciate all I have to offer as people always see what lies on the surface; they always look at the cover browse the chapters but never get the whole story.

The society we live in can be very superficial at times and it is very easy to jump on the wagon of being all about the front. I am learning to be content with where I am in life and endure my slow and steady journey even though everyone around me seems to be flying to their destinations. I have a more profound appreciation for the direction my life is taking and I know my destination is in sight but patience is key to truly enjoy the efforts and hard work invested. The temptation is always present to jump a few steps but I know the jump will never truly be worth it. I have learnt that the road is hard and narrow to the top but it is attainable however the fall is even easier if one is not truly worth it or prepared for the rise. At present my journey requires me to keep my feet on the ground and not lose my head (wish me luck!)

Well I don’t always have wise words to say but whatever your doing do it well and do it whole heartily that’s how I roll and I haven’t been disappointed yet. 

Pride...........

By definition it is a high or inordinate opinion of one’s own dignity, importance, merit or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing or conduct. For me it’s a state of being, I never really saw myself as a proud person but I have come to realize that I have a very high regard for myself,  but it’s a seesaw, there is an up and a downside to it, it can be very helpful and well it can be a stumbling block . Pride has been highlighted in a negative stance for a very long time when it is a pro and con in itself and simply not all bad.

Pride is good to a certain extent and past that extent it is destructive, Healthy pride goes hand in hand with your values. If you have pride in yourself as a person you have self-respect and that will always keep you on the right track in life. Pride helps you acknowledge your value as a person and will prevent you from accepting anything that you deem unacceptable, it will enable you to stand up for yourself if you believe in you. In these cases I would say pride is necessary.

On the other hand pride can be a hindrance if it prevents you from getting all you can out of life. Proud people will never reveal their true feelings or reveal their true self as they feel it is a sign of weakness, they will fight till the bitter end knowing they are wrong but their pride will never let them admit it. Such individuals lose the diamonds of life whilst busy harnessing the rocks of pride, it blinds them totally. Alternatively pride can prevent people from getting assistance that they really need and you they up struggling through life as a result.

Pride is no asset if it prevents you from living the best life possible, nor is it of any value if it has you constantly kicking yourself with regret. Pride exists in everyone the degree in which it dominates is what may differ so be smart and only use it for your own benefit and never let it become your stumbling block in life. Take control over life and don’t let pride or any other emotion short change your life, always be progressive.

Bonne Anniversaire

I love French and I took up learning French two summers ago, thus my blog title meaning Happy Birthday. Another year has dawned upon us and I must say I am very excited by the arrival of 2013. As always a week into the year I celebrate my birthday which is exciting as my year pretty much starts all at once, I get to begin at the beginning. I also get to party hard and then attempt to be serious for the rest of the year, *fingers crossed*.

I have dubbed this year “the year of definition”, as I plan to make defining decisions and choices, I will be ending a lot of unfinished chapters in my life and starting new ones, I plan to deal with emotions I have packed away too at some point. I also plan on learning the art of being decisive I more or less know what I want but I stagnate a lot without really making a decision I also stand on the fence a lot and I feel it’s time a pick a side and go with it fully. This is the main aim and task for the year I need all the help I can get.

 I started living all on my own this year, well with the little ones of course. The prospects that lay ahead feel very exciting. It is as though I have been given a fresh sheet of paper to begin writing a new story on, there is a joy and an unwavering excitement in the atmosphere, I just feel so exhilarated and positively charged at present. I not making a list of resolutions this year but I have set my goals for the year and the near future and they will be guidelines for the year, so yet again no lists to follow but there will be a definite structure to it all.

So 2013 is upon us all I wish you all the best this year and so you know I’m crazy and very human I leave you jaw dropping images from my birthday celebrations.

i danced and i danced

i had great company my girl Sue

I hate sharing but Millie is my best friend so i gladly shared  our birthday week

The party continued for more than one day...........

there was more dancing............

At the actual party we were happy it was our bday........

home boy Gore making sure i was good

Party shots eish................

Birthday Divas had a bonanza

Had my babies to make the day extra special..........

The other woman in my life Lynda my Bff

2012

This has been a year full of new experiences and utter bravery on my part, I have covered so much new ground it is somewhat unbelievable. I began my year with just one resolution to break new ground and be open to new things, this was the best resolution as the entire year I had one statement at the back of my mind which was “if it’s new try it”. I traveled and I got involved in so many new projects it was very liberating and refreshing.

This year began at home, a very different start, I slept through the entry. I hated this as I assumed that nothing but a boring year lay ahead, and boy was I wrong! A week later was my real new year which was my birthday, I had a bonanza with my best friend (Lynda) we discovered whiskey (which played a huge role in my 2012). This year I was fearless and I stuck to my guns I made decisions to change the things that I didn’t like in my life and I stuck to those decisions making for a much better and happier life. I also learnt being happy came with extra weight literally, im working on losing those extra kilos. I may have burnt bridges in finding myself and being happy but I’m sure they were bridges I would not miss much. I learnt that following your heart is the best move you can make. I am so fine with walking away and not looking back if it’s my loss oh well we can’t live a life of crying over spilt milk now can we?

 I left my husband this year,  it was very difficult walking away and I did it hoping he would realize his mistakes and make amends but he didn't. I learnt that I can only control my reactions and not anyone else’s. It was a hard pill to swallow, coming to the realization that someone I gave my all to didn't so much as try to make things work, well it only reassured me that I made the right decision in leaving as a marriage is teamwork. Relationships thereafter have been the most difficult thing for me to develop as I was accustomed to dealing with one person and dealing with different characters has been a challenge, I was set in my very selfish ways and totally clueless to the dating world after being out of the game for seven years, the game had clearly changed.

I went through the learning curves and came out totally clueless still, I enveloped myself in work  this year but who is complaining? It has been a year of groundwork laying out a foundation for a secure future and figuring out what I really want to do. The hardest part has been not seeing results immediately and the wait there is nothing more frustrating than seeing the future, working towards it and not being able to enjoy it just as yet, I have learnt that all good things come to those that wait. Honestly I hate waiting but I have no other option but to wait. 2013 Is set to be a year far more amazing than 2012, I have been like a baby that learnt to crawl all year and this month I got my walking ring so early next year imma be walking, I so look forward to walking in 2013.

My year has been nothing short of amazing I lived this year I wasn't just alive, I was not afraid to put myself out there and I was comfortable just being me, I was not repentant about who I was and I embraced myself, as such I have very few regrets. I am pleased with 2012 and I am utterly excited for 2013, I wish you all a prosperous New Year and lots of peace and blessings and remember love yourself and God and your good. Happy New Year Diamonds!!

IF (too good not to share)

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son! 

Rudyard Kipling

The Ugly Truth 2

Last time I touched on this topic I didn't go too deep I just advised you all to be street smart, but let’s get to the street smart schoolin now. Right if you’re over 18 and under 30 then love is a game believe it or not it is. If it truly ain't then it’s a power struggle which in essence is a game too. The game called love is mastered by fear, every action is taken to ensure that one does not get hurt and yet that very action is what hurts.

By the time you hit your twenties everyone has basically been hurt and how they treat their relationships thereafter is as a defense mechanism to safeguard their hearts. In the hurt category we have the angry ones these are driven by rage towards the opposite sex, deep within they are angry and every action of theirs is ultimately to gain revenge on the opposite sex whether consciously or sub-consciously their actions are anger driven. This group knows how to get you but they will no doubt obliterate your heart not because you deserve it but because it’s their only known reaction.

The next category are the heartless ones all the pain numbs them to any feeling all together, they build high walls around their hearts and refuse to let anyone in, some end up players as they cannot commit to anyone they lead their lives running from love out of fear of being hurt again, this group is the most frustrating group you will ever come across as they are constantly hot and cold they with you and then the minute they have feelings they back out and run and the cycle continues repeatedly.

We move onto the needy and clingy ones these usually have underlying paternal or maternal issues or both, these neglected ones are the most dramatic of all. If they could they would latch themselves to their partners for eternity in order to be happy. They are needy possessive and very insecure they are a difficult to deal with as the neediness can be frustrating and their insecurities will be a huge challenge. Lastly are the secure and confident people who have dealt realistically dealt with what has come their way and are sure of what and who they are and what they have to offer in a relationship, they normally don’t settle and they know what they want. These are the scariest people to date and the most desirable of the four.

These are the four general characters out there everyone can safely relate to at least one of these but ultimately in Love you need to be comfortable in your own skin and know what your worth , Be sure of what you bring to the table and don’t try to hard love is natural,  when it’s hard work normally something is amiss.

The Silk shirt (tribute to the battered woman)

That gut wrenching feeling you have just before the storm, the feeling that lets you know that your world is about to be thrown off. Your stomach churns and your mouth is bitter occasionally you have dizzy spells and you are not at ease. Your heart is racing with no destination you break off in a sweat every now and again, you zone out and you come back only to realize you haven’t yet been dealt your blow quite as yet. This goes on all day and time is mercilessly dragging along your nail bed has been depleted to nothing with all the nervous biting, you have walked the house down with chattering teeth.

You have thought of every possible excuse and every apology and you know it won’t work, you know the wrath all too well and the rage that has no comprehension or mercy upon you. You picture all the painful possibilities and with chills down your spine, you set off on your hundredth inspection of the house and yard everything must be perfect so your fault doesn't seem major. The wait is agony the desire to run away plays before you then you consider where to run too, to the parent’s farm out of the city bathing in buckets and chopping firewood? That can’t be life, leaving the comfort of five bedrooms, three bathrooms, a swimming pool, splendor and beauty that you only laid eyes on in magazines as a child up until now, surely what’s to come is worth the lifestyle she led Anotida thought.

The gate opening disrupted her thoughts and within seconds he burst in the door with his radiant smile but she froze and couldn't move. He plucked a kiss on her cheek and inquired on her day, no response came so

he went on to ask her to get his favorite lucky silk shirt he had an important meeting in two hours. In horror her frozen state melted away and sweat was cascading down, not the shirt she thought, why was she so unlucky life wasn't fair to her in this moment, Anotida felt.

She dragged her feet up the stairs and got out the shirt she was desperately trying to make the burn not show in his shirt but he walked in as she attempted to cover up her error and saw what had happened. The radiance in his face dried up and he transformed into the grey devil she knew all too well, He came down on her like a tonne of bricks with streams of abuse and slaps across the face that sounded like gun shots that pierced her soft skin leaving cuts. She tried to curl herself up to protect herself but he wasn't having that he lifted her and swung her across the hall, “smash” in to the hallway mirror and she fell to the ground with a thousand pieces of glass following her, her eyes were swollen shut now and the smell of her own blood made her throw up, in disgust he kicked her down the stairs.

Anotida fell to her death at just twenty six years of age at the hands of an abusive spouse simply because she burnt a shirt by mistake.

The making of a diamond 1st Anni

I started my blog a year ago on the 2^nd of November 2012, celebrated the first anniversary of my blog; I made a big fuss about this mini milestone because of its significance. A year ago I made a decision and set out new outlines to my life and I managed to stick to my guns which I felt was certainly worth a celebration. I was recently asked why I chose the name the making of a diamond and well I think that is a topic I can go into detail about.

The making of a diamonds first anni dinner

I went through a period in my life where I totally forgot my worth I was nearly a door mat and had totally lost my self-values and I had basically lost myself. It took the encouragement and reassurance of those close to me, constantly reminding me that im precious and priceless, eventually they got through to me and well in order to reinvent myself I needed motivation to do so, but I was adamant I had to do it all on my own. My solution was to write and I decided to blog, naming my blog required me to have a few conversations with my favorite people that I spent most of my time with to get their view of me.

I was pleasantly surprised that they all felt I was worth more than gold and, well a diamond came along in conversation and we considered the process a diamond goes through to become pure and perfect and seeing as my trials were far from over I came up with, “the making of a diamond” because my life story is far from rosy, it’s intense and a bit of a roller coaster ride. Thereafter the making of a diamond was born, my emotional outlet and a story of inspiration to feed the masses. It is not me just complaining about everything I went through in my life it’s me going through each experience and looking at the experience and lessons gained from every experience to better myself as an individual. My blog is where I share my story, as on the outside I may seem together but it’s essential for people to know that life isn't what we see it’s what we experience and I have chosen to share my experience.

The Scars of a broken heart (1)

The heart is something so amazing not only does it keep us alive it also takes us through the greatest risk ever which is love. The greatest risk I say simply because once you have been hurt you are altered for life, the heart can withstand many stabs of pain in any relationship and endure pain but once it has been broken the scar shows forever.

I look back and see my break up in slow motion, first we stopped talking for over a year it used to kill me then I taught myself to deal with it I learnt that silence was golden, it did trample me not being able to share my days experiences, the kids growth and development and anything in general but I had to try and be strong I had to prove stronger than the mind game at play. From silence it went to being undermined, being left out of major decisions and changes at first I would blow up and make a big fuss or fight until I saw I was just playing into his hands, I wised up a bit and I learnt not to react it killed me inside but I had to. At this point I realized something was amiss love was not meant to be such a struggle upon this realization my decline began.

It all became crystal clear and it stung like a thousand bee stings, the fact that you no longer hold the key to a heart you once owned.  When the love of your life is no longer able to look you in your eyes or stand your very presence, when you are made to feel uncomfortable in the very home you built. This destroyed me on all levels I started losing weight I was very distracted and generally unhappy, I made grave attempts at winning back his love but my spirit was not resting. I became an insomniac I couldn't sleep I was just not at ease, I had to do something I had to leave the situation was killing me but I didn't want to surrender and give up on something I spent so long working at, the injustice the world was serving me was of an unbearable magnitude it was surreal as though I was living a nightmare.

It was difficult I was in a delirium I felt this couldn't be happening I did everything right I was hard working, every day I would look for a ray of hope to make me stay I kept feeling for a pulse in the marriage and there was a constant flat line. I forced myself to face reality and I began my preparations to leave it took a long three months but I had to be sure I had to leave with no doubt this was the only solution. Every day of those three months a part of me would die, I was being drained having to push forward with everything I had and then be shattered every evening. This was a fight that tested the strength of my heart and will power, the toll will forever leave marks, marks I see clearly but I am unable to make disappear. 

Motherly Pains

My son broke his hand the other day and I just discovered the most horrid part of being a mother, it’s when you see your child in pain and there is nothing you can do to ease it. I have never felt so hopeless before, I know the flu is a pain and we worry but having your child shriek your name in utter pain is heart shattering. You don’t know whether to grab your child and cradle him or let the doctors help him, nothing prepares you for this experience but eventually you calm down (after some Valium)

Anthony broke his hand flying off swings at school

I was sat beside my son in his first hospital bed since birth awaiting his first surgery ever and I was a bit proud, mostly because he said he wanted me by his side through it all and well I guess because we were going through life’s growing pains together. In  painful and intense moments like that there is love present and a memory about to be made for both of us to look back on later on in life. Motherly pains are not so painful when you sit and reflect there are a few difficult moments but when they pass and you take a moment to reflect they are crucial that’s how a mothers love for her child grows through each experience be it good or bad.

he broke both bones just below his wrist and  and displaced one bone

Motherly pains are not pleasant but we don’t have a pass for them and as such we go through them in order to master the art to being strong and well knowing when to wear a clown’s face. Children always look to their parents for strength and well we got to give them the strength they need when they need it. Parenting is a job that requires us to have super powers when necessary it all sounds crazy but it’s true our children have unfaltering faith in us. It is our job to give them the strength and faith that they need whenever they need it, even if we don’t have strength or faith. Motherly pains give birth to love and new bonds and memories so don’t fear them they are necessary.

putting on brave faces before surgery where they inserted two pins in his hand

Budding Love................

You’re so happy inside and out and you can’t wipe the grin of your face

In this moment it dawns on you that this life is actually amazing

If only time could stand still or better still could I constantly relive this moment continuously

Then again this feeling is so amazing that you might just want to live to experience what comes next

The joy you feel is indescribable you just want to run around and hug everyone

All the impulses you experienced as a child return, you’re just overwhelmed with energy

Happiness is overflowing from your cup and your skin seems to share your joy by glowing

These are the moments longed for by many and dreamt of by a hopeful soul

The rain brings tears of joy and the sunshine brings forth bliss of a new day

No season or situation alters the joy you feel when love is budding

Waves of emotions sweep through you taking you to new heights

Your bubble is so inflated and your senses are numb, a high like non other

Restlessness is your new norm ever awaiting your next encounter with your love

Butterflies are permanent residents in your belly and breathlessness like never before

A joy so innate it fills the soul and happiness so surreal to mankind

Your world has been reborn and you are flying at new heights
It’s so real you can sense the scent, you can taste the sweetness, you can touch its aura
It’s so amazing you can’t wait for the next sunrise and you wilt when it sets
It’s so real it feels like the sun is rising in the west
Your thoughts stolen, your smile undying
The courage to ride so brisk, the strength in you so illusory
Delirium, ecstasy, frenzy, bliss, your new muse

To Love or not to Love?

I love controversial topics and here is a good one, so I have put love up as a choice which is something that many will beg to differ with. However I am starting to think along the lines that love actually begins as a personal decision and I have noticed this with myself. I may not be a good example as I am dubbed heartless but anyways you can decide weather my experience is relevant or not.

I feel we make a mental decision first before we even decide to get into anything, we decide whether or not we want to love a person or not. We decide or know how far we are willing to go well in advance; we have that, is it worth it or not moment? As such I think we decide to love in as much as we decide to let a person hurt us, sometimes this all happens subconsciously and you’re not necessarily with the programme but we let it happen. In life we can do very little to determine a person’s reaction to any situation but the one thing we do have control over is our response and reaction.

Many times we let our emotions run amuck with our lives when we really don’t have to or shouldn't  Taking a minute to calm the heck down and re-evaluate things is essential, I used just go off on tangents a lot and it only damaged me. The minute I accepted the power to control my actions and reactions I did myself a world of good. Love is something we need to have a level headed approach to; I know the instinct is to just jump in, without a second thought but it works out better when we add some thought and composure to it.

 Always acknowledge that you made a decision to love and that, that decision you made, you made alone unaware of the loved ones decision. As such don’t rush in to expecting undying love in return. You chose to love and do that because it’s natural to you never expect the same in return we are all different. Love is a risk we go into it with no guarantees and if it doesn't work out such is life but if you are aware of all these factors and your expectations are minimal then your heartache will be minimal too. So be smart people fairy tales are for kids to grow up with hope but certainly not to elude adults.

The Testosterone Effect

I have been told many times I have male like mannerisms and my thinking is very different to that of most ladies especially when it comes to relationships. I do know that I was a tomboy when I was younger and I can agree that my thinking is very different, but what I am unsure of is whether or not this is a good or bad thing.

Most women dream of the finding the perfect man having the perfect wedding and living in the perfect house that, that man bought. In my world I am the perfect woman who has everything besides the perfect man (who I am unsure even exits). I prefer having my own cards to bring to the table and having enough power to commandeer respect from everyone. I like power and independence there is nothing better than calling the shots and having your opinions taken.

I am not the wife that sits and nods I’m the woman with an opinion to offer, however I do know how to respect a man and submit to him though he has to be very worthy of it. I don’t need to be taken care of however I am not looking to mother anyone either. I know who I am and where I intend to go in this life and I don’t have the time of day to deal with people that don’t (unless I do care for them). I don’t need a cheerleader but I need to know you love this woman and appreciate where she is on her life’s journey. I like affirmation, then again who truly doesn't  I strive for excellence and I like being the boss, I just can’t help that, this is who I am.

I enjoy having options I never want to be caught unaware; I need to know when, why and how as often as possible, I don’t just go with the flow I prefer being the flow. I am impatient I don’t like waiting if you don’t know what you’re doing I am going to do it myself, I hate relying on people I trust myself best I know how to always ensure the job is done. As long as I’m in the driver’s seat or I can influence the driver then I am in a very happy place, I’m not sure if there are other ladies that can relate but this is me and many say I got too much testosterone in me! Understandably but I just take control and responsibility of my life and if you’re looking for room in my life you need to make your presence known and felt.