The Scars of a broken heart (1)

The heart is something so amazing not only does it keep us alive it also takes us through the greatest risk ever which is love. The greatest risk I say simply because once you have been hurt you are altered for life, the heart can withstand many stabs of pain in any relationship and endure pain but once it has been broken the scar shows forever.

I look back and see my break up in slow motion, first we stopped talking for over a year it used to kill me then I taught myself to deal with it I learnt that silence was golden, it did trample me not being able to share my days experiences, the kids growth and development and anything in general but I had to try and be strong I had to prove stronger than the mind game at play. From silence it went to being undermined, being left out of major decisions and changes at first I would blow up and make a big fuss or fight until I saw I was just playing into his hands, I wised up a bit and I learnt not to react it killed me inside but I had to. At this point I realized something was amiss love was not meant to be such a struggle upon this realization my decline began.

It all became crystal clear and it stung like a thousand bee stings, the fact that you no longer hold the key to a heart you once owned.  When the love of your life is no longer able to look you in your eyes or stand your very presence, when you are made to feel uncomfortable in the very home you built. This destroyed me on all levels I started losing weight I was very distracted and generally unhappy, I made grave attempts at winning back his love but my spirit was not resting. I became an insomniac I couldn't sleep I was just not at ease, I had to do something I had to leave the situation was killing me but I didn't want to surrender and give up on something I spent so long working at, the injustice the world was serving me was of an unbearable magnitude it was surreal as though I was living a nightmare.

It was difficult I was in a delirium I felt this couldn't be happening I did everything right I was hard working, every day I would look for a ray of hope to make me stay I kept feeling for a pulse in the marriage and there was a constant flat line. I forced myself to face reality and I began my preparations to leave it took a long three months but I had to be sure I had to leave with no doubt this was the only solution. Every day of those three months a part of me would die, I was being drained having to push forward with everything I had and then be shattered every evening. This was a fight that tested the strength of my heart and will power, the toll will forever leave marks, marks I see clearly but I am unable to make disappear.