The realities of loss!

Death is something I have great difficulty with, some would say  i have an inhumane way of dealing with loss. Loss  of loved ones affects us all differently with me I just shut down so I don’t feel the actual pain nor do I deal with the realities of it, typical avoidance. This reaction is not very productive I am told as I am not dealing with how I feel and the emotions I’m bottling up will catch up with me. But in general when people I die I feel like it is surreal and I kind of stop caring, I feel abandoned and I think for the first month I am just angry.

I remember when my dad died I was sixteen and I had never spent more than two hours with him alone in my life and here he was dead, before I got the chance to know him before I enjoyed the joys of having a father!  We always live life thinking we will have a chance later to fix the wrong things but the moment you realise that that opportunity is gone your world spirals out of  control! I went cold I didn’t know how to deal with what happened how do I comprehend that my dad is gone? It was easier to erase the few memories and pretend he had just gone off as usual this is how I dealt with my dad’s death.

 Two short weeks later my granny my dad’s mum died and she was my mother I lived with her my whole life then she died!!!!This loss I couldn’t ignore my life was altered forever my support plucked away from under me, I was lame and I felt utterly desolate. Every memory revolved around her I hardly left her we were inseparable; I was my granny’s child. The loss of a parent cuts deeper than anyone can understand because you never get over it! It’s been six years now since my granny departed but there have been numerous moments when; I have needed her, when I knew her wise counsel would have got me through the day, when her disapproval would have changed my actions when her absence was undoubtedly noticed! I have accepted that she is no longer here but I know when I need her and I miss her and I always acknowledge those feelings, I guess I have handled my granny’s death in a better way.

After my granny died a few years later I decided to fix my relationship with my estranged mum and three short years later she too died on me! This sucked even though it was 5 years after my granny died I felt victimised! Death drains me I think mostly because it’s the one thing we have absolutely no control over we can’t anticipate it no matter what we cannot adequately equip ourselves to deal with it. I personally hate death but unfortunately it’s the one constant thing in life we all will face loss and eventually even I will die but knowing this doesn’t enable me to accept it. Loss is a sad reality that I think will take an entire lifetime for people to deal with in their own various ways but I think people all need time to deal with grief in their own way! people always try and impose grief on others telling you to cry others telling you to be strong and not cry, I think people should grieve freely in their own way and in their own time and all we can do is be there  in support silently and be there in case we are needed but never enforce our presence.