2011

This is by far the hardest year I have had to live through the challenges and experiences I endured were some of the greatest I have seen in my life, but here I sit at the end of a hard year with an optimistic outlook for the coming year ahead!

This year was one of realisation for me, I finally removed my blinkers and saw the world for what it was and experienced its realities. This year I began the year, the usual boring way with a magnificent firework display but with no excitement, a week later on my birthday I was alone which was very unusual but I guess a pretty good and accurate indicator of what the year ahead had in store for me. The year proceeded to suck on new levels I endured a great deal of emotional pain this year, my heart broke to the point where it felt as though it lived on the exterior and experienced the harshness of the outside world, I made greave attempts to be ok but I found myself so uncomfortable that I was brought to one of the greatest decisions to make in my life!

I experienced betrayal on so many levels and learnt many hard lessons, It was not all bad I learnt how to trust myself and make real decisions on my own, I changed my career and I started projects that ignited the sparks  that now fuel me. I chose to not let my experiences define me even though on some days they did overwhelm and I had gloomy days where I wallowed in self pity but I am glad to say there weren’t many days like that. This year I found myself,  I might have been hidden under a pile of dirt, none the less I have found myself and I’m getting my act together and I look forward to the year ahead and all it has to offer, I do know that 2012 is my year!!!

I wish you all a prosperous and blessed 2012!!happy new year enjoy the fresh start!

The realities of loss!

Death is something I have great difficulty with, some would say  i have an inhumane way of dealing with loss. Loss  of loved ones affects us all differently with me I just shut down so I don’t feel the actual pain nor do I deal with the realities of it, typical avoidance. This reaction is not very productive I am told as I am not dealing with how I feel and the emotions I’m bottling up will catch up with me. But in general when people I die I feel like it is surreal and I kind of stop caring, I feel abandoned and I think for the first month I am just angry.

I remember when my dad died I was sixteen and I had never spent more than two hours with him alone in my life and here he was dead, before I got the chance to know him before I enjoyed the joys of having a father!  We always live life thinking we will have a chance later to fix the wrong things but the moment you realise that that opportunity is gone your world spirals out of  control! I went cold I didn’t know how to deal with what happened how do I comprehend that my dad is gone? It was easier to erase the few memories and pretend he had just gone off as usual this is how I dealt with my dad’s death.

 Two short weeks later my granny my dad’s mum died and she was my mother I lived with her my whole life then she died!!!!This loss I couldn’t ignore my life was altered forever my support plucked away from under me, I was lame and I felt utterly desolate. Every memory revolved around her I hardly left her we were inseparable; I was my granny’s child. The loss of a parent cuts deeper than anyone can understand because you never get over it! It’s been six years now since my granny departed but there have been numerous moments when; I have needed her, when I knew her wise counsel would have got me through the day, when her disapproval would have changed my actions when her absence was undoubtedly noticed! I have accepted that she is no longer here but I know when I need her and I miss her and I always acknowledge those feelings, I guess I have handled my granny’s death in a better way.

After my granny died a few years later I decided to fix my relationship with my estranged mum and three short years later she too died on me! This sucked even though it was 5 years after my granny died I felt victimised! Death drains me I think mostly because it’s the one thing we have absolutely no control over we can’t anticipate it no matter what we cannot adequately equip ourselves to deal with it. I personally hate death but unfortunately it’s the one constant thing in life we all will face loss and eventually even I will die but knowing this doesn’t enable me to accept it. Loss is a sad reality that I think will take an entire lifetime for people to deal with in their own various ways but I think people all need time to deal with grief in their own way! people always try and impose grief on others telling you to cry others telling you to be strong and not cry, I think people should grieve freely in their own way and in their own time and all we can do is be there  in support silently and be there in case we are needed but never enforce our presence.

Mommy Issues

Yup I got these too but I must admit these are not as bad as the daddy ones! Well the story goes that my mum left me at the tender age of one or my dad took me away from her at that tender age I’m not really sure how it went however that all just wasn’t cool. My mom I remember first seeing when I was 5 then 8 then 12 and then 14 these were ages I went on holidays to visit my mum as a child.

Now a mother is essential in a girl’s life as this is who she will relate herself too and receive all the love and affection she needs, I see this with my daughter I am her reassurance I’m the one that must always be present in a way I’m her security she knows I’ll never leave her and children need that! Unfortunately I never had that as a result I grew up very insecure and unsure, unsure of who to turn too who had my best interests at heart and who would be consistent in my life. This resulted in many panic attacks as a child as I would be very emotionally overwhelmed as I had no one to talk too or no one would help me deal with the situations I faced. I learnt to be there for myself from young and I learnt not to rely on people ever, or to be too hopeful and always expect the worst. This is not the ideal way of going through life as a child but it certainly is not the worst. I always hoped and prayed to live with my parent I dreamt of it many times but I never stopped living my life to wait for it to happen I was realistic as well.

Every time I saw my mum we clicked so well it was as though time had never passed while we were away! While we had great times together it didn’t stop me from being angry and bitter never towards but in my heart, I could never understand why she would be without me if she adored me so much! But I knew my mum was the one of my two parents that I actually had hope of building a relationship with emotionally. She seemed emotionally available but evidently scared though, from a realistic point of view both my parents were incapable of taking care of my sister and I, I knew I was better of living with my grandparents but one always wants some form normality. My relationship with my mum as I got older evolved I loved her she loved me but she was never prepared to give me explanations to let me know how I ended up living with my grandparents and I was never prepared to  listen to her or trust anything she said.

When I was 18 my sister and I brought our mum to Harare to live with us and for her to get to know her grandchildren. I worked with my mum and my sister lived with her. I forged a good relationship whilst working with my mum but I could never get myself to fully trust her it was a work in progress situation but we got on well I let her into my life and we only ever had one fight! I enjoyed having a mum in my life it wasn’t easy as I was accustomed of being alone in this world now I had a mother I had to take care of and at times I must admit I would be angry and bitter and feel why I should I take care of her when she never extended the same courtesy to me. But I would get over it and take care of her the hardest thing was that we could never deal with the issues we had and move forward I hate unanswered questions or brushing things aside I like dealing with stuff and moving forward. Some things never happen as we would like three short years later my mum died and so did all my answers.

Daddy issues!!!!

Yes I got daddy issues loads of us do but fortunately mine didn’t send me to the pole, well maybe that’s only because we don’t have any decent poles around to work on, jokes.

So like many I never lived with my father, he was a master of the disappearing act, now for most girls we need our daddy’s love and attention as through him we see all men and I mean all men! Now as a child I always longed to spend time with my dad regardless of how rarely I saw him I was always excited as ever to have him around unfortunately the excitement was one sided my father was set in his single ways his priorities were always having a good time when he came to visit I had exactly 5 minutes to play catch up and most of the time it was just me talking away then he was off to drink with the guys and so on.

Now being brushed aside has never been a pill I swallowed easy as a child so I’d follow him around until I got chased away which was even worse! Now this caused me to become needy attention wise, I grew up craving attention seeking out approval and wanting people to need me and find me invaluable in order for me to feel worthy or happy (I still suffer from these today). When I look back now I can even see my relationship with God was flawed cause of my daddy issues as I always saw God as a man and well like with all men I felt I didn’t ordinarily deserve to be loved without proving my worthiness and now with God he knew all my faults and I always felt inadequate as I couldn’t fool God he knew it all and thus there was a certain distance or incomplete faith in my walk with God as I felt unworthy of his love and grace as he knew I was imperfect so I always saw God as the judge just waiting to read me my rights and sentence me to hell, so this was a disaster but Gods grace and love delivered me from that disillusion.

With my relationships I was the ever serving girlfriend I mothered all my boyfriends waited on them hand and foot and I always had to make myself perfect, I never really competed with other girls I had an idea of what perfect was and I strived to epitomise my ideology. This insured my invaluableness in the relationship but it didn’t eliminate my fear of rejection, as at times I ended a relationship under the pretence of being bored but I just didn’t want to face rejection. I avoided heartbreak throughout my teens using this strategy till I fell in love and in this relationship I managed to get my heart broken twice at the hand of one man. No matter how hard you build yourself to be confident and secure if you have under lying issues like mine they tend to have a great impact on your life as we feed off a lot from our subconscious thoughts in our lives.

Knowing I have daddy issues has helped me come to terms with the fact that, I did nothing wrong to deserve rejection so early in life and that I am worthy of love, knowing this doesn’t mean I fully believe it as it takes time to alter a mindset but I have taken a step forward in the right direction and hopefully there will be a time when I’m ok with not being perfect and allow myself to just take life as it comes and not always expect the worst.

Taking a stand!

In life, for those of us fortunate enough, we receive warning bells — those quiet gut feelings that whisper when something isn’t right. But too often, we ignore them. We silence that inner voice and keep going, convincing ourselves that everything will somehow fix itself.

The thing about warning bells, though, is that they never really stop. They just get louder. What starts as a whisper soon grows into discomfort — a heaviness that you can’t ignore. And by the time you reach that point, you’re usually dealing with damage control, cleaning up the consequences of ignoring yourself for far too long.

I’ve reached that point. The discomfort inside me has become impossible to suppress — it’s bursting out of me, both the positive and the negative. When I really stopped to reflect, I realized something: I’ve always been the one to take the first step. I’ve always been the one to extend myself, to be the bigger person (well, at least most of the time — I do try). But the truth is, I’m tired.

I can’t keep giving all of myself — my energy, my compassion, my time — to the point of depletion. Relationships are meant to be two-way streets, whether they’re friendships, family bonds, or romantic connections. They’re like bank accounts — you can’t keep making withdrawals without ever making deposits. Eventually, you go into the red.

And that’s where I found myself — emotionally overdrawn.

So now, I’m taking a stand. I’m choosing me. Not out of selfishness, but out of survival. Because no one else can fill your cup if you’ve poured every drop of yourself into others.

From this moment, I’m giving myself permission to pause, to refill, and to just be — truly, fully, unapologetically me.

Sometimes, taking a stand for yourself isn’t defiance — it’s an act of self ❤️love!

Door mat or just a good heart

I’ve always tried to be a kind person, but there have been times when my kindness has felt like a double-edged sword. People often mistake kindness for weakness — and that’s something I deeply detest.

I naturally go beyond myself for others, but I’ve noticed that the more I give, the more people seem to expect. It can be overwhelming, because giving 150% all the time is draining. The truth is, when you show people a certain standard, they quickly become accustomed to it — and they begin to expect it. That’s when the line between having a good heart and being a doormat becomes dangerously thin.

The pressure to meet everyone’s expectations can be suffocating, which is why knowing your limits and setting boundaries isn’t selfish — it’s essential. So now I find myself at a crossroads: do I give only 80% of myself so that people don’t expect too much, or do I continue to overextend and risk emotional burnout?

It’s a tricky one. But eventually, we all have to make that decision for ourselves. My advice — and the lesson I’m learning — is this: always be true to yourself. Give when you can, and when you can’t, don’t force it.

Life has no handbook; it’s a series of experiences meant to be lived, not perfected. The only real compass you have is your inner voice. Trust it. Know who you are, and believe in your own judgment. When you do that, no one can dictate your worth or push you to compromise your integrity.

That’s when you move from simply existing to truly living.

Life isn’t guaranteed. Tomorrow is never promised. So take each day as it comes — embrace it, love it, live it fully, and most importantly, listen to yourself.

Better Days!!!

When I was young and having a bad day — or when fear crept in — I used to daydream and imagine my future. Some may discourage that kind of thinking, but I truly believe it’s what kept me sane as a child. Seeing the bigger picture has always been essential to me. It’s how I’ve learned to build a strong foundation — one that I can always return to, even when I stumble or lose my footing.

That foundation reminds me that no setback is permanent, and no storm lasts forever. It encourages me to get back on track, to keep going, and to believe that something better is always ahead.

This mindset has been my secret to staying joyful. I’ve learned to see beyond the present moment, to look past the challenges, and to fix my eyes on a brighter future. My optimism is deeply rooted in my faith — because I know the power and greatness of the Lord. He has always had my back, and His track record of coming through for me is impeccable.

Knowing that God is with me makes it easier to stay hopeful, even when life feels heavy. But that doesn’t mean I never feel overwhelmed — we all do. The key is not to stay there. When I reach those moments, I remind myself that it’s okay to feel what I need to feel. I allow myself a short grace period — three hours, max — to process, breathe, and release. Then I get back up, dust myself off, and face whatever’s in front of me.

Because self-pity might feel comforting for a moment, but it’s never productive.

So chin up. Feel everything you need to feel, but don’t forget who you are and whose you are. Better days are coming — always. 🌤️

Love

Today, I want to be a little bold and explore a topic that affects every one of us — LOVE.

What is it really? I believe love is far more than just an emotion. Living in today’s society, I often feel that love is misunderstood, disregarded, and even abused — and that, to me, is heartbreaking. Honestly, many of us don’t truly know what love is or what it feels like. We may have glimpses of it, ideas about it, but the real, authentic thing? It’s rare.

Let’s start with the classic definition: Love is a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person — a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

Beautiful, right? Yet, the Bible gives us something much deeper to think about:

> “If I could speak in any language in heaven or on earth but didn’t love others, I would only be making meaningless noise like a loud gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy and knew all the mysteries of the future and everything about everything, but didn’t love others, what good would I be? And if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move, without love I would be no good to anybody. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would be of no value whatsoever. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way.”

When we look at those two definitions side by side, something becomes clear — we all fall short.

I say this because I’m at a stage in my life where love no longer feels like a simple emotion. I care deeply for people, I show affection, and I try to be kind — but do I truly love? Am I moved beyond myself for others by love, or simply by duty? Do we love because it flows from deep within, or because it’s expected of us? Because it’s the right thing to do — or because someone loves us back?

In today’s world, I think we often skim the surface. We “love” out of habit, comfort, or convenience. There’s little depth, little soul. We’re busy doing rather than feeling. And that, perhaps, is why so many of us feel lost or disconnected — because love, real love, is what gives life its meaning.

True love begins deep within — when you pause long enough to see someone’s worth, to value their essence, and to be moved to go beyond yourself. It’s that inner stirring that humbles you, that drives you to give selflessly.

That, to me, is what love truly is. And if I’m honest, I think real love is as rare as dinosaurs — but that makes it all the more precious when you find it.

So today, I challenge you: dare to love more deeply. Love with intention. Love beyond comfort, beyond habit, beyond what’s expected. Choose to love selflessly, passionately, and with purpose. Because in the end, love — genuine, wholehearted love — is the only thing that truly transforms us.I aspire to be love......