20 years on........motherhood reflections

I can still recall the sinking feeling in my stomach when I saw the two solid lines on the pregnancy test. In that moment, I truly believed my life as I knew it was over—and in many ways, it was. The life of an ignored adolescent, uncertain and unaware of her purpose, came to an end. But the life that followed? I could never have imagined it as I stared at those two lines while my sister launched into a lecture.

I grieved the loss of the bright future I had envisioned—though, in hindsight, it was a future without much direction—for exactly two days. Then, I shifted into survival mode. However, I did so with a mindset of responsibility, determined to be a mother who rose to the challenge. That, I believe, was my saving grace.

When you become a mother—especially at a young age—society has a long list of reasons why you will fail. There is an unshakable confidence from the world around you that you are destined to struggle. But as a stubborn 15-year-old girl, I was determined to prove them wrong. Though, I must admit, the journey didn’t unfold quite as I had imagined—life has a way of surprising us like that.

As a child, I dreamed of having a big family, picturing a brood of six kids. But today, I sit here, deeply content with my two. It’s funny how, when you look back, you can barely recognize the person you once were. Your biggest dreams from the past feel distant and almost foreign, yet you know in your heart you have surpassed them in ways you never could have predicted.

The day my son was born was the day my life truly changed—for the better. In him, I found my purpose. I was given the incredible responsibility of loving and caring for this little human, even though, at the time, I wasn’t entirely sure what love was supposed to look like. But I had a deep sense that I would recognize it when I saw it. I may not have fully found my own sense of love and belonging in this world yet, but I have learned to give love freely and ensure those around me feel like they belong. And that, in itself, has been a beautiful journey.

Somehow, 20 years have passed, and tomorrow my son turns 20. As a mother, I couldn’t be prouder. He has grown into a decent, responsible man who has made my journey far smoother than I ever anticipated. For that, I thank and honor you, Anthony. I absolutely love you, and no matter what happens in this world, know that I will always be on your team, standing by your side.

Through it all, I recognize that I have not walked this journey alone. Though I may be a single mother, I have undoubtedly been in partnership with God every step of the way. His grace has sustained me, His protection has covered us, and His love has given me the strength to keep going. I am deeply grateful for His presence in our lives, guiding us through every challenge and blessing us in ways I never expected.

Cheers to you as you step onto the "second floor" of life. It’s only up from here, and I am so excited to watch you tap into your magic and become even more incredible in the years to come.

Happy birthday, my son. 🥂

2024!

This past year has been one of my toughest yet. For the first time, I experienced true depression—a deep sadness that hurt in ways I never imagined. I’ve always considered myself resilient, a tough cookie, but this year was different. The challenges felt unending, and no matter what I did to remedy the pain, nothing seemed to work. At times, even breathing felt like an effort, and pushing forward seemed impossible. I cried in private, as I always have, and put on a brave face for the world every single day. I showed up, even when it felt robotic and meaningless.

And yet, in a strange way, routine saved me. Having daily responsibilities forced me to keep going, not just for myself but for those who counted on me. The stakes were too high to give up, even though deep down, I wanted to. For the first time ever, I doubted myself—I questioned whether I had what it takes to win at life. My mind was a battlefield of arguments, but something in me always pushed back. A voice inside reminded me that I didn’t come this far just to quit now. I hadn’t climbed this mountain just to set down my tools before reaching the peak. I have promised myself a beautiful life, and I refuse to give up before I experience its full beauty—even if I don’t yet know what that looks like.

My faith and hope have been my anchors. Even in the darkness, I held on to the belief that the best is yet to come, even if I can’t yet recognize it. This year, I learned to pray not just for strength, but for the wisdom to recognize joy when it finally arrives.

Despite feeling like a complete failure in every aspect of my life, I found the will to keep going. I realized that part of my journey was about overcoming weaknesses, and one of the biggest lessons I learned this year was the importance of grieving—not just for the loss of people but for the loss of love, recognition, and validation. As a society, we grieve for the dead, but we rarely acknowledge the need to grieve for the things we never received—the love we deserved but didn’t get, the efforts we made that went unacknowledged. I had to grieve for the times I felt unseen, unheard, and unloved. But through that grief, I learned to let go and just be.

Another vital lesson I learned is that bottling up pain only leads to an eventual explosion. We are all imperfect, and facing those imperfections has been incredibly liberating for me. So what if I’m not where I thought I would be by now? At least I am here. And my favorite saying remains: better late than never. It’s better to show up today, to learn, to love myself, and to grow into a better version of me than to remain stagnant and continue hurting myself and those around me.

For the longest time, I felt like I had no “receipts” to prove my healing, but I found my first one this year. When I meet new people now, I feel different—I connect more effortlessly, I articulate my thoughts with clarity, and I fear no one. There is a newfound authenticity within me that makes my interactions more meaningful. It’s as if I’ve stepped into the person I was always meant to be. Someone recently described me as “maturing with grace and elegance,” and I think that perfectly sums up the transformation I’ve undergone.

Perhaps my greatest testimony this year is that someone described me as love. That, more than any other compliment I’ve ever received, was the most profound acknowledgment of the person I am becoming.

On the family front, the teenage years are in full swing. Every day brings attitude and underappreciation, but I recognize that this is just part of the journey. I try to remain present and approachable while respecting their individuality. I don’t want to mold them into mini versions of myself—I want to encourage them to be their true selves. There are good days, silent days, and loud, happy days, but one thing remains constant: my presence matters to them. Even when they’re not speaking to me, they want to know I’m there, cooking for them, prioritizing them. And they will always be my top priority.

Yes, this was a difficult year. I struggled, I fell, and I doubted myself. But I made it out alive. And more than that—I emerged stronger. My faith is deeper, my resilience greater, and my understanding of myself clearer than ever before. Growth is never easy; it demands a price. But stagnation is the real enemy. And I am proud to say that, despite everything, I have continued to grow. We gotta keep moving my diamonds and better late than never! Start your healing journey today and enjoy this life from a better healthier place l.

"You handled it so well!"

If only you knew.

If only you knew how my hands trembled when no one

was watching. How I stayed up late, staring at the

ceiling, replaying every moment in my mind, wondering

if did the right thing. If only you knew about the doubts

that whispered in my ear, telling me I wasn't enough

that I wasn't as strong as I pretended to be. I kept my

smile in place, my voice steady, because that's what you

needed to see. But behind closed doors, when no one

was around, I fell apart. The tears 1 held back all day

would spill out, and I'd let myself feel everything I'd been

holding in. If only you knew how much it took to keep

going, to keep pretending that was okay when all I

wanted to do was hide

You saw the calm, the composure, the smile that never

wavered. But you didn't see the cracks, the moments

when I doubted myself, the times when I wondered how

much longer 1 could keep it all together. I made it look

easy because that's what everyone needed to see. But

inside, I was fighting battles no one knew about, and

every day was just another round

If only you knew ..

2023

If shadow work was a year it would be 2023, I have come out of this year hopeful and positive but it definitely took me on a rollercoaster ride of experiences. I can almost confess to becoming an introvert now but let's not jump into new definitions. This year started different very different I was surrounded by the future, the kids and their friends had me surrounded but I embraced it and I learned to listen and just be present to provide silent support to my kids and their roles in life. I'm glad I have healed enough to be able to support my kids and cheer them on without the need to compete with them. I love watching them grow seeing little hints of me but healthier than I ever was which makes me so proud! I love my children I truly feel that I was blessed with amazing souls that inspire me to heal and show up better every day❤️

This year my healing journey got real I sat alone,I questioned myself alot I searched my heart alot and I was alone alot. I was constantly surrounded but alone alot.healing is a huge separator we always assume a person has changed when they become more distant but now I realise that when the misery is less from deep within the company tends to get a bit meaningless. When you are clear on your purpose and you approach people with clarity and intention it's so much harder to relate with the unhealed. When you come in peace without mess and anger or personal discontentment alot of things lose value. When you cut out your numbing and you are present the noise is much louder and the escapism seems so unnecessary you feel a little lost in the world that you once knew. When you long to connect with people but realise they are all deep inside high walls of protection you give up a little.

I have given up a little on finding a soul like mine or even finding soft landing spots in life. Everyone is so caught up their personal dramas and has been hurt too much to try and genuinely love, I won't lie this year I spent alot of time inside mostly because outside is so hard. I have always been a soft hearted person and I hated it for so long because I was constantly accused of enabling people to use me. I accepted my heart more this year and I have been creating boundaries it's a slow process to all around me who lost patience with my lack of boundaries but for me it's been great growth my self- worth intrinsically has been rising slow and steady and its growth non the less. The most frustrating thing about healing is that it can't be rushed you may identify a problem and theoretically know how to solve it but until you go through the slow painful motions of healing the job isn't done. I wished I never wanted to heal, I wished I was still residing in trauma because I was more relatable I wish I was still ignorant because hanging out and chillin would be much easier, they say ignorance is bliss and they are totally right!

When your healing its like you are genuinely adulting you're so self aware and conscious of your surroundings and more observant even more able to listen but you also feel more disconnected from people especially when you identify other peoples unhealed areas and you realise no matter how much you know and understand if the other person isn't ready to heal that hurt nothing you say or do can help. So you learn to take a step back so as to allow that person to deal and if they don't deal you gotta find peace with that and let sleeping dogs lie but obviously it results in you distancing yourself from them and thus you become scarce from everyone. The greatest outcome of this year is my relationship with my children I really felt present and connected with them it's been great to have my own people that for now can't leave me lol but it's coming soon. I have become a bit of loner but I also am more intentional, in the past I was a friend by duty and obligation but now I am a friend by choice I'm more present. I feel this year was very tough and alot of my wins were intrinsic so I have very little to show but im glad I showed up and I am more myself than ever and I ride the waves of uncertainty with a bit more grace then I ever did before. Diamonds life is getting tougher as we age and grace is more scarce then ever before but let's keep our heads up and be as authentic as we can happy 2024!!

A Love-Stop

 have been told over the years that I am too soft and I enable people not always in  a good way and I do too much and I get used easily. This is true to an extent and yes over years some experiences have been painful  and unfair and unkind but I have never regretted being the light in a person's life.
In the past I'd be lead by my heart to do things even for strangers and I have allowed society to tell me its wrong to make me feel conflicted inside even though I was lead by love and this is my biggest regret not allowing myself to share my light and feel its experience. I have let society steal my joy in being the change I want to see in the world which I know is my calling .

I was raised by such a gentle and loving soul and I also got to see how the world and experiences hardened her and I guess I  could see the conflict in my grandmother then but I didn't understand much when i was young.  Now having realised I inherited the greatest gift from her , her heart, I have an appreciation for her journey and I understand her conflict. I think I know now that I was raised by an angel in human form I saw grace and kindness that I knew was light and even though life chucks us around a bit and tells us to harden up and to protect ourselves. I have come to see that I am a love-stop like my grandmother was.
We are great big balls of energy or light that people are drawn to and we have the ability to refuel a low loved person and give a bit of kindness to fuel them until the next stop. It can be a very draining process and it can feel heavy at times but when you let the love flow its such an amazing and fulfilling place to be.

I am proud to be love-stop , I'm honoured to share my little light and give hope and love to anyone that needs it and sometimes I may feel a little empty but I'm always refilled and fulfilled and this is my privilege and purpose in life. I am the change I want to see in the world and I am answering my call as best as I can❤️ the diamond is starting to shine♦️

Killing the Imposter

How many times have you felt like you are barking up the wrong tree or as my granny would say "being too big for your own boots"! We live in a world that encourages you to fit in a box to play it small and not be too bold or loud. I was born loud , not that I popped out the womb screaming but I carried a big personality that noone approved of. I was told constantly to keep quiet, do less I was discouraged from learning,loving and being myself. From the moment I can remember I was made to feel not enough I don't blame anyone for this, conformity was just the norm and I wasn't good at conforming.

As far back as I could remember I was not good enough. I wasn't good enough to have my parents remember my existence. I wasn't good enough to recieve maternal or paternal love. I was reminded of my aloneness in this world constantly. Noone seemed to understand me or noone cared to. At the time I felt isolated but I learnt to self console young. My imagination was my best friend. My self worth was in the pits but my confidence shone. It seemed I was a walking contradiction but still noone understood me I was still too much but I felt not enough. Something in me always expected more I never knew love and care but I certainly knew what it wasn't. My brokenness lead me to many wrong stops but my inner self worth always made me uncomfortable. I tried settling,  I tried following the rules and ticking boxes but it felt like everytime I did a piece of me died.

It took me good decade to accept myself to know that even if noone showed up for me I was worth showing up for myself. I blocked my ears many times the nay sayers are always there telling you your worth according to their own brokenness, but my innervoice carried me through. I felt tired many times but I got up. I felt worthless many times but always knew I had value. I faced many setbacks,  lots of egg spilled on my face over years there were times I ran on fumes and hope and times I survived on faith and sheer will power. I sometimes don't know how I made it this far and for these times I claim grace.

Today I see myself where I dreamed to be once. Its not as pretty as I had hoped but it's still a mountain top. Not the first and certainly not the last buts it's a mountain top non the less and I wanna sit here and take in the view. I earned this a decade ago I set out to be an expert in Finance and a decade later I'm at the door. I sacrificed my freedom when l went from being an entrepreneur to being a professional many didn't see my logic but I had a vision and its being realised. I showed myself that there is nothing that I cannot do if I set my mind to it. I have had many setbacks that made me feel like an imposter but I learnt to sit through the discomfort and not show my fears and now I know I'm not an imposter I'm a brilliant, young, fearless leader who is actively being the change I want to see in the world. I living my life from love I'm not perfect but I'm learning and growing everyday and my skin feels like it fits. I feel like I am me big bold and loud❤️ and most importantly proud. I am proud of myself and I love myself and I know I'm not for everyone and I cherish my uniqueness. Be bold and be authentic my 💎.

Full Circle

Eighteen years ago I started my labor! I didn't know I was in labor as I was sixteen and new to all this and my water didn't break. I thought it was just another hard pregnancy day with braxton hicks. I told myself we only panic and look for doctors when the water breaks not realising I had no idea water waters breaking entailed other than what i saw on tv.I didn't know what to expect or if there were instances when this didn't happen naturally. I had the ignorance of youth on my side. In addition to this I was isolated by family and friends and the naughty one who liked things due to my young pregnancy.

I didn't feel up for much that day because the pain was intense but I was strong, I went through the first few hours of labor on my own thinking it was like a bad period and I could handle it and I did. I even repacked my hospital bag more realistically to cater for myself and not just the baby. I tossed and turned and walked up and down, I was uncomfortable and in pain but it wasn't major I wasn't dying I said to myself. I tried to have lunch but I couldn't, I had a feeling I was in labor but I wasn't sure. All I knew is I did not want to defecate in the delivery room so eating wasn't an ideal option. I don't really recall much of that day except knowing without a doubt I was in pain and I was uncomfortable and I was not hungry. I was too busy being strong to tell anyone about my experience at the time and I was afraid. I was afraid of the reality I was in and I was afraid to die but I knew I had to be strong.

I got through the day ok and as evening drew near I knew something was up but I had told myself we only go to the hospital with something tangible wet panties or something lol! From about six in the evening I was on thirty minute bathroom breaks to see if my water broke cause in my head it was a sixty millilitre liquid expectation I guess 🙃. I remember at about eight pm when everyone went to bed but I couldn't cause I was uncomfortable I sat through a few movies and I remember non but I remember I had this horrid backpain it was like someone had lit a fire on my spine I couldn't sit or lye down in any position comfortably and  I was consumed with pain but I was waiting on my water to break!

Just before ten pm I had started spotting on my bathroom visit and I was pleased for at last I had something tangible a real reason to go to the hospital. So I wake everyone up gently and say its time for me to go to the hospital after everyones initial panic we were off. I remember every pot hole in the road because it seemed to trigger an earthquake of pain, I wasn't aware that I was in labor and I wasn't aware I should have been timing my contractions because I wasn't sure, it was the 22nd of March 2005 and my due date was the 14th of April 2005.

We finally arrived at the hospital and they tried to offer me a wheelchair but I wasn't having it lol I was the picture of perfect strength! After paperwork and check in I was in the labor ward for a physical exam and that is when I was advised that I had dilated seven cms and I was three cms away from delivery 😳 I was shook I had done it I had endured the worst part of my labor on my own. I was then offered my first ever dose of pethidine which really calmed the pain down alot. I was in the labor room with a clock infront of me and I was counting minutes and hours from ten pm to about two am nothing really happened but waiting and watching the clock. My waters still hadn't broken and my baby was getting restless.the nurses decide to break my waters for me and boy was it more than the sixty millilitres I expected🙆‍♀️!

Finally my labor was back to progressing I went to 8 and 9 cms very fast and the nurses left me to go get my gynaecologist but while they were out I felt the baby pushing on me but there was noone to help so I silently closed my legs for at least two contractions and then finally the nurses and my gynaecologist came in and realised what had happened so they tried to get me to push on the third contraction but my baby was tired from fighting to come out and his heart was getting slow so my gynaecologist got a vacuum and sucked him out of me. This was not at all traumatic for my sixteen year old self no not at all😬

So a red baby comes out of me *it's too crazy to explain in detail* and all I do instantly is count toes and fingers while waiting to hear him cry as soon as that happened I felt relief and in that relief and in that moment all pain disappears and the last twenty four hours are a distant memory. It's all worth it for a healthy baby and in this moment women forget the pain and having another baby is a viable option 🤦‍♀️.  I was very lucky that morning at ten past three in the morning to deliver a healthy baby because in the labor room next to mine a lady passed on in labor and her baby was premature it was a very sobering scenario and again not at all traumatic for me😬. 

I looked at my baby after all this at about 4am and he just looked like an Anthony I hadn't thought on the name much and I was actually gonna name my son Ethan but then looking at him Anthony just came to me and so Anthony was born on the 23rd of March in 2005. The day I started mothering as a vocation. The day my life ceased to be about just me and the adventure of motherhood began for me. Eighteen years later and its still the greatest adventure of my life and a part of me I would never change even if I was offered a do over I wouldn't change a thing.