2023

If shadow work was a year it would be 2023, I have come out of this year hopeful and positive but it definitely took me on a rollercoaster ride of experiences. I can almost confess to becoming an introvert now but let's not jump into new definitions. This year started different very different I was surrounded by the future, the kids and their friends had me surrounded but I embraced it and I learned to listen and just be present to provide silent support to my kids and their roles in life. I'm glad I have healed enough to be able to support my kids and cheer them on without the need to compete with them. I love watching them grow seeing little hints of me but healthier than I ever was which makes me so proud! I love my children I truly feel that I was blessed with amazing souls that inspire me to heal and show up better every day❤️

This year my healing journey got real I sat alone,I questioned myself alot I searched my heart alot and I was alone alot. I was constantly surrounded but alone alot.healing is a huge separator we always assume a person has changed when they become more distant but now I realise that when the misery is less from deep within the company tends to get a bit meaningless. When you are clear on your purpose and you approach people with clarity and intention it's so much harder to relate with the unhealed. When you come in peace without mess and anger or personal discontentment alot of things lose value. When you cut out your numbing and you are present the noise is much louder and the escapism seems so unnecessary you feel a little lost in the world that you once knew. When you long to connect with people but realise they are all deep inside high walls of protection you give up a little.

I have given up a little on finding a soul like mine or even finding soft landing spots in life. Everyone is so caught up their personal dramas and has been hurt too much to try and genuinely love, I won't lie this year I spent alot of time inside mostly because outside is so hard. I have always been a soft hearted person and I hated it for so long because I was constantly accused of enabling people to use me. I accepted my heart more this year and I have been creating boundaries it's a slow process to all around me who lost patience with my lack of boundaries but for me it's been great growth my self- worth intrinsically has been rising slow and steady and its growth non the less. The most frustrating thing about healing is that it can't be rushed you may identify a problem and theoretically know how to solve it but until you go through the slow painful motions of healing the job isn't done. I wished I never wanted to heal, I wished I was still residing in trauma because I was more relatable I wish I was still ignorant because hanging out and chillin would be much easier, they say ignorance is bliss and they are totally right!

When your healing its like you are genuinely adulting you're so self aware and conscious of your surroundings and more observant even more able to listen but you also feel more disconnected from people especially when you identify other peoples unhealed areas and you realise no matter how much you know and understand if the other person isn't ready to heal that hurt nothing you say or do can help. So you learn to take a step back so as to allow that person to deal and if they don't deal you gotta find peace with that and let sleeping dogs lie but obviously it results in you distancing yourself from them and thus you become scarce from everyone. The greatest outcome of this year is my relationship with my children I really felt present and connected with them it's been great to have my own people that for now can't leave me lol but it's coming soon. I have become a bit of loner but I also am more intentional, in the past I was a friend by duty and obligation but now I am a friend by choice I'm more present. I feel this year was very tough and alot of my wins were intrinsic so I have very little to show but im glad I showed up and I am more myself than ever and I ride the waves of uncertainty with a bit more grace then I ever did before. Diamonds life is getting tougher as we age and grace is more scarce then ever before but let's keep our heads up and be as authentic as we can happy 2024!!

A Love-Stop

 have been told over the years that I am too soft and I enable people not always in  a good way and I do too much and I get used easily. This is true to an extent and yes over years some experiences have been painful  and unfair and unkind but I have never regretted being the light in a person's life.
In the past I'd be lead by my heart to do things even for strangers and I have allowed society to tell me its wrong to make me feel conflicted inside even though I was lead by love and this is my biggest regret not allowing myself to share my light and feel its experience. I have let society steal my joy in being the change I want to see in the world which I know is my calling .

I was raised by such a gentle and loving soul and I also got to see how the world and experiences hardened her and I guess I  could see the conflict in my grandmother then but I didn't understand much when i was young.  Now having realised I inherited the greatest gift from her , her heart, I have an appreciation for her journey and I understand her conflict. I think I know now that I was raised by an angel in human form I saw grace and kindness that I knew was light and even though life chucks us around a bit and tells us to harden up and to protect ourselves. I have come to see that I am a love-stop like my grandmother was.
We are great big balls of energy or light that people are drawn to and we have the ability to refuel a low loved person and give a bit of kindness to fuel them until the next stop. It can be a very draining process and it can feel heavy at times but when you let the love flow its such an amazing and fulfilling place to be.

I am proud to be love-stop , I'm honoured to share my little light and give hope and love to anyone that needs it and sometimes I may feel a little empty but I'm always refilled and fulfilled and this is my privilege and purpose in life. I am the change I want to see in the world and I am answering my call as best as I can❤️ the diamond is starting to shine♦️

Killing the Imposter

How many times have you felt like you are barking up the wrong tree or as my granny would say "being too big for your own boots"! We live in a world that encourages you to fit in a box to play it small and not be too bold or loud. I was born loud , not that I popped out the womb screaming but I carried a big personality that noone approved of. I was told constantly to keep quiet, do less I was discouraged from learning,loving and being myself. From the moment I can remember I was made to feel not enough I don't blame anyone for this, conformity was just the norm and I wasn't good at conforming.

As far back as I could remember I was not good enough. I wasn't good enough to have my parents remember my existence. I wasn't good enough to recieve maternal or paternal love. I was reminded of my aloneness in this world constantly. Noone seemed to understand me or noone cared to. At the time I felt isolated but I learnt to self console young. My imagination was my best friend. My self worth was in the pits but my confidence shone. It seemed I was a walking contradiction but still noone understood me I was still too much but I felt not enough. Something in me always expected more I never knew love and care but I certainly knew what it wasn't. My brokenness lead me to many wrong stops but my inner self worth always made me uncomfortable. I tried settling,  I tried following the rules and ticking boxes but it felt like everytime I did a piece of me died.

It took me good decade to accept myself to know that even if noone showed up for me I was worth showing up for myself. I blocked my ears many times the nay sayers are always there telling you your worth according to their own brokenness, but my innervoice carried me through. I felt tired many times but I got up. I felt worthless many times but always knew I had value. I faced many setbacks,  lots of egg spilled on my face over years there were times I ran on fumes and hope and times I survived on faith and sheer will power. I sometimes don't know how I made it this far and for these times I claim grace.

Today I see myself where I dreamed to be once. Its not as pretty as I had hoped but it's still a mountain top. Not the first and certainly not the last buts it's a mountain top non the less and I wanna sit here and take in the view. I earned this a decade ago I set out to be an expert in Finance and a decade later I'm at the door. I sacrificed my freedom when l went from being an entrepreneur to being a professional many didn't see my logic but I had a vision and its being realised. I showed myself that there is nothing that I cannot do if I set my mind to it. I have had many setbacks that made me feel like an imposter but I learnt to sit through the discomfort and not show my fears and now I know I'm not an imposter I'm a brilliant, young, fearless leader who is actively being the change I want to see in the world. I living my life from love I'm not perfect but I'm learning and growing everyday and my skin feels like it fits. I feel like I am me big bold and loud❤️ and most importantly proud. I am proud of myself and I love myself and I know I'm not for everyone and I cherish my uniqueness. Be bold and be authentic my 💎.

Full Circle

Eighteen years ago I started my labor! I didn't know I was in labor as I was sixteen and new to all this and my water didn't break. I thought it was just another hard pregnancy day with braxton hicks. I told myself we only panic and look for doctors when the water breaks not realising I had no idea water waters breaking entailed other than what i saw on tv.I didn't know what to expect or if there were instances when this didn't happen naturally. I had the ignorance of youth on my side. In addition to this I was isolated by family and friends and the naughty one who liked things due to my young pregnancy.

I didn't feel up for much that day because the pain was intense but I was strong, I went through the first few hours of labor on my own thinking it was like a bad period and I could handle it and I did. I even repacked my hospital bag more realistically to cater for myself and not just the baby. I tossed and turned and walked up and down, I was uncomfortable and in pain but it wasn't major I wasn't dying I said to myself. I tried to have lunch but I couldn't, I had a feeling I was in labor but I wasn't sure. All I knew is I did not want to defecate in the delivery room so eating wasn't an ideal option. I don't really recall much of that day except knowing without a doubt I was in pain and I was uncomfortable and I was not hungry. I was too busy being strong to tell anyone about my experience at the time and I was afraid. I was afraid of the reality I was in and I was afraid to die but I knew I had to be strong.

I got through the day ok and as evening drew near I knew something was up but I had told myself we only go to the hospital with something tangible wet panties or something lol! From about six in the evening I was on thirty minute bathroom breaks to see if my water broke cause in my head it was a sixty millilitre liquid expectation I guess 🙃. I remember at about eight pm when everyone went to bed but I couldn't cause I was uncomfortable I sat through a few movies and I remember non but I remember I had this horrid backpain it was like someone had lit a fire on my spine I couldn't sit or lye down in any position comfortably and  I was consumed with pain but I was waiting on my water to break!

Just before ten pm I had started spotting on my bathroom visit and I was pleased for at last I had something tangible a real reason to go to the hospital. So I wake everyone up gently and say its time for me to go to the hospital after everyones initial panic we were off. I remember every pot hole in the road because it seemed to trigger an earthquake of pain, I wasn't aware that I was in labor and I wasn't aware I should have been timing my contractions because I wasn't sure, it was the 22nd of March 2005 and my due date was the 14th of April 2005.

We finally arrived at the hospital and they tried to offer me a wheelchair but I wasn't having it lol I was the picture of perfect strength! After paperwork and check in I was in the labor ward for a physical exam and that is when I was advised that I had dilated seven cms and I was three cms away from delivery 😳 I was shook I had done it I had endured the worst part of my labor on my own. I was then offered my first ever dose of pethidine which really calmed the pain down alot. I was in the labor room with a clock infront of me and I was counting minutes and hours from ten pm to about two am nothing really happened but waiting and watching the clock. My waters still hadn't broken and my baby was getting restless.the nurses decide to break my waters for me and boy was it more than the sixty millilitres I expected🙆‍♀️!

Finally my labor was back to progressing I went to 8 and 9 cms very fast and the nurses left me to go get my gynaecologist but while they were out I felt the baby pushing on me but there was noone to help so I silently closed my legs for at least two contractions and then finally the nurses and my gynaecologist came in and realised what had happened so they tried to get me to push on the third contraction but my baby was tired from fighting to come out and his heart was getting slow so my gynaecologist got a vacuum and sucked him out of me. This was not at all traumatic for my sixteen year old self no not at all😬

So a red baby comes out of me *it's too crazy to explain in detail* and all I do instantly is count toes and fingers while waiting to hear him cry as soon as that happened I felt relief and in that relief and in that moment all pain disappears and the last twenty four hours are a distant memory. It's all worth it for a healthy baby and in this moment women forget the pain and having another baby is a viable option 🤦‍♀️.  I was very lucky that morning at ten past three in the morning to deliver a healthy baby because in the labor room next to mine a lady passed on in labor and her baby was premature it was a very sobering scenario and again not at all traumatic for me😬. 

I looked at my baby after all this at about 4am and he just looked like an Anthony I hadn't thought on the name much and I was actually gonna name my son Ethan but then looking at him Anthony just came to me and so Anthony was born on the 23rd of March in 2005. The day I started mothering as a vocation. The day my life ceased to be about just me and the adventure of motherhood began for me. Eighteen years later and its still the greatest adventure of my life and a part of me I would never change even if I was offered a do over I wouldn't change a thing. 

The Unbecoming

We live in a world today of conformity, from the minute you open your eyes as a child you have people who think they know better guiding you and teaching you how to think and behave and for the first two decades of your life you are moulded into a little robot imbeded with your parents knowledge and all their influences and beliefs and society dictates who you should be and how you should think and it pin points out the way you should lead your life.

The problem with me is that I was born stubborn, I have required justification and explanations for all rules and conformity has been my biggest downfall. I first realised this in school as they constantly beat me up for wanting explanations. I'm so glad the pointless beatings didn't crush my spirit or extinguish my curiosity over the years. I have evolved into a woman who isn't afraid to be different and come to her own conclusions in life. I know it has made many keep their distance but I don't mind! Actually when I die please put it on my tombstone that I was not afraid to think for myself and redefine my life for the fulfilment of my soul!

I'm at the happiest place in my life right now as I am able to do things differently I don't just practice robotics and join the rat race and compete with the world. I am an intentional woman with a clear and consise plan to be happy and true to my inner self daily! I set goals that I focus on but not in a way that causes self harm or hate I am on a journey of self discovery that allows me to create the best version of my self intentionally and lovingly. I am aware that I am an empath and I have the ability to bring others peace and to make them feel heard and I try my best to fulfil this calling that I'm also understanding more and more each day. I know my purpose is to speak I feel great amounts of revitalising energy and literally the hairs on back stand when I speak and connect with an audience regardless of the size so now I speak fearlessly and passionately. I have always shared my love for motherhood and now doing it on my own terms and probably being classified as a hippie parent gives me great joy! I love observing my children's individuality and seeing them evolve into who they are going to be be and not being too invested in who they become. I'm just their bigesst supporter and encourager of their own authenticity. I have discovered hobbies that bring me great joy too and I know that there is nothing I can't do if I set my mind to it!

This is where I have found my power I am nothing like anyone raised me to be. I sometimes fell like I have my parents turning in their graves, but I am honouring me now.I  am consciously being the best and most authentic version of myself and I love it. I'm not afraid of being rejected now for honouring me. I am not afraid of not fitting in or being liked I am on a road I love now. So my diamonds dare to be different! Dare to honour your inate desires and become authentic.its a road less travelled but the personal joy is insurmountable.

The Lonliness of Beauty

She sweats to make herself perfect 

Runway ready but why?

Like a rose picked to be forgotten 

She spends her days wilting in the sun

The work invested in becoming only to never be realised oh to be admired for a fleeting second but never valued for what is inside!

To wonder abut ones value and loses all hope in what she is worth 

Ignored one too many times and always forgotten her heart bleeds for the world 

But alas as only one person can, change is slow

She longs to heal the world loving everyone in sight caring as much as she can but deep down inside she depletes 

To be valued and admired from afar but in close range avoided like a plague to be genuine and only attract those with ill thoughts wrecks ones brain to change is unnatural to give an eye for eye leaves a bitter taste in ones mouth but the legacy she seems to have built is one of being forgotten and alone oh what a bittersweet life to give and not expect anything but alas one depletes then what she keeps going an empty cup with so much more to give.

Build it Better!!!

I always thought I loved myself dearly and that I was becoming authentic and doing right by me until I realised my addiction to narcissists. I thought I had escaped one in my ex husband but I have learnt that my abandonment issues had led me to many narcissists in various roles and forms in my life. I was surrounded by people who showed love and kindness to my face but were constantly manipulating me behind the scenes in the fear of losing me but doing things that would guarantee losing me which is truly mind baffling.

This year has really been one where I have had time and effort invested in my relationship with me and I have learnt so much. I'm starting to understanding that being silenced as a child made me silence my intuition I realised how I have struggled to voice my truth because of the need to not hurt people's feelings and in doing so I have gotten my own feelings destroyed over the years!

I honestly struggle to say I'm uncomfortable and I think it's my greatest lesson this year to bear a little discomfort in speaking my truth rather than letting resentment brew. I have seen how bad resentment brews and how it leads you to not like a person or fester in anger simply because you couldn't be disagreeable. I honestly understand the statement that if you don't deal with your childhood traumas your relationships will a bit more now. I was raised in an abusive home where words were used very carelessly and this gave me panic attacks and also led me to avoid confrontation at all costs. I was constantly sweeping all uncomfortable issues under the carpet. I realised I was the most vocal woman I know for everyone's issues in life except my very own which I found strange and this made me curious.

I was a great strong woman on the outside with a broken little girl on the inside screaming for love, attention and validation. I was unbalanced and I had to learn or I am still learning how to re-parent my inner child whilst parenting my own children which has been interesting because its three totally different individuals with totally different needs. 

In my reparenting journey I had learn to love broken me and not judge her mistakes and weaknesses it was acceptance that was key. Looking in the mirror and saying you are amazing its ok that nothing was perfect before but we have today and we can built it better! Self love can be exhausting mostly because you think you have got it right then you realise you still have little self destructive traits that lead you back to square one its constant work. It's also deep uncomfortable work too because the mind tells you your ok but you behavior shows you there are holes or blind spots that you have missed.

My point is that we are constantly growing and evolving and seem to be moving forward but sometimes we have to understand that our bad habits and traits date back to decades ago and its never too late to show yourself some kindness and patience to right a few wrongs to better yourself for tomorrow. I honestly can confess to enjoying my singleness this year mostly because it's been me time like never before. I always spent alot of time searching and running away from my singleness however this year I have sat in it and enjoyed it for its discomfort and the curiosity its stirred in me and the creativity it has brought about in my life and i have realised I'm quite an amazing person and I love my own company faults and all! You learn the good the bad and the ugly but its all you noone is perfect embrace your imperfect self regardless of what you know and love love love thy self my diamonds❤️