My One and Only!

My smile permanently glows from ear to ear

My heart is overjoyed by this ecstasy I know as your love

I am baffled by my ignorance before and detest it

I am forever grateful for the patience you have shown

Never walking away from my childish ways

Staying against my pushes meant to edge you away

Mostly I am grateful that you have loved me endlessly

The walls you broke down brick by brick without my awareness

The comfort and assurance you consistently portrayed

The admiration and support you constantly gave and still give

The never ending kindness, humility and respect

The values you have shown me were once but an enigma

The subtle way you moved into my heart is why I adore you!

Finally I realize you’re the one and it all comes to me

Joy, shock, happiness and fear a windstorm of emotions

It’s so amazing you can’t wait for the next sunrise and you wilt when it sets
It’s so real it feels like the sun is rising in the west
Your thoughts stolen, your smile undying
The courage to ride so brisk, the strength in you so illusory
Delirium, ecstasy, frenzy, bliss, your my new muse

What a love we have ever growing and maturing

Friendship that unmasks the nakedness of truth

yet still grows stronger

Chronic nostalgia encroaches when we are apart

Excitement and blithe flow when we are reunited

Absolute bliss that constantly has one questioning reality

My one and only what a privilege to be on this journey with you!

May our love continue to flourish and strengthen.

2015

This has been a year of growth and indeed alot of building, I am unsure of where to start really. I have loads of joy as I recall the year even though it had its fair share of disappointments,loss and unfairness, I do know the positives do outweigh the negatives.

As a doting mother I will begin with my babies whom I can no longer refer to as babies. Nicole graduated from preschool this year and is going to big school next year, she also lost two front teeth (rather early in my opinion). She has also found her own opinion ( a rather misguided one at that) that she voices often with no backing whatsoever but I guess this is part of her growth. I love the love she has for me and never attempts to hide it, this really makes my life knowing I am her world, just the boost I need on a dull day. Nicky also got her first beat down this year from me( I hope it was the last one too) discipline is so hard but so necessary she seemed to get the message though, I think we on the same page now. She is growing into quite the confident little girl and this warms my heart fifteen more years to go lol.

Anthony turned ten this year and my wise man has developed sarcasm and an ear for hip hop even though he has two left feet (in my opinion). Watching your child grow is surreal we have this urge to protect them even though we also want to see what they will become without too much interference. I like to watch Ant from afar and understand him, unlike his sister who is a mini me, his a different and very unique individual. I love the confidence he has in me I think im a superhero in his world lol (no pressure at all). I got him to put off having a girlfriend till his twelve (doing my happy dance right now) so I have a bit of time to think of how we postponing the next date. His a level headed young man with wisdom beyond his years and alot of life I just need to wean him off dstv and video games, to aide this mission I have invested in books (2016 mission create a bookworm)

My sisters and I fought alot less this year (yay) this is a big one, I also think we have established better communication methods now and this living together thing is going better than i ever expected. I think the year ahead will have more adventures for us as long as the bullying stops lol! Family is everything in life and even though I lost alot of close family early in life I am learning the open up a bit more the with the ones that are still alive. I think the growth end of our relationships are expanding, I also never expect us to be perfect and getting along all the time, I just want fulfillment within our imperfection which is achievable.

My career was pretty much established last year and I am blossoming in it and loving every minute of it, I also took on my first mentee this year a very interesting task, I had forgotten how to teach someone else with love and patience, it's been a great journey with a lot of lessons. I think I have a lot of growth in store this year within my career and I look forward to it, I have also got a lot of personal development I have scheduled in this year for myself. I am being a sponge again in 2016 I would like to absorb and fully experience where I am and make memories and not want to keep going in the rat race. I want to smell the roses and count the notes too.

I am pleased with the prospect of a new year and look forward to it all, Growth and Expansion are the themes this year Diamonds come out of your shells and fly around with me! Happy New Year make this one a memorable year as I will!

Sparky............

So I have had the worst insomnia for close to five years now (it's now such a part of me and my lifestyle). In actual fact insomnia is how I began writing. So as I lay sleepless at times like these the silence and peace of mind allows me to share my thoughts and like them my fears.  

I have extensively discussed loss here as it has been one of the realities I have been forced to deal with in my life. However the most disturbing sequence of events has had me burying my friends and peers. This by far has been the most anguishing experience.  You never think the friend you once shared a desk with in class and have kinda lost touch with is the one friend you would be forced to say goodbye to before being given the opportunity to catch up.

Conversations remain incomplete and the dreams and plans you shared are the gut wrenching reminder of how unfair life can be. Again death has angered me so with its injustice with its unfair theft of the young. The future is being pulled out from under us, mothers and father's burying children they hoped would bury them, siblings sayig goodbye to friends they needed to get through the good and bad days. The broken hearted are increasing, sadness becomes the reality as loss continues its onslaught on the future.

I lost my baby sister a few years ago and this has been by far one of the most disturbing losses I have ever experienced, to the point where I got fungus from the inability to understand how a 13 year old beautiful girl full of life, with such a bright future ahead could have her life taken away. At 13 she had one of the most unfair exits to life and many times I wish she had been given the grace to live a little longer. I often wish I had the opportunity to tell her she was loved or the chance to change her life. The helplessness I felt when she passed was indescribable, nothing I could do would change her fate no money, power or ability could stop it. No warning or preparation came either just the sad end that was forced down my throat.

I will never understand why, I can never fully accept how this is a necessary experience.  All I know is that life is tragically unfair and it is ever so important to let the ones you love and care for know that you care and love them deeply. Simply because we may get to the point where it's too late to say  ....

The Cataracts

My title is metaphorical  and I will need you to bear with me on this blog as it's been a while since I expressed myself. *deep sigh of disappointment* I have been telling myself that I have writers block and considering my writing experience hasn't been that much for such experiences,  I think I could be wrong.

Anyways onto my story,It appears that I have been so engrossed with my life, that I have not had the time to share my experiences.  However this could be wholely attributed to the simple fact that I have been in the process of discovery or understanding. To go through a few of the discoveries I am referring to;

I can sadly confirm I am still an angry woman and forgiveness is such a demanding process! that I fully understand why so many choose the path of bitterness and unforgiveness. Unfortunately for  me I want to stick this  one out and be a happy whole woman again.

Forgiveness class in session, what I have learnt is that with forgiveness you need to fully understand what has been done to you, and in full knowledge of this make a conscious decision to let it go. The impossible part right! For me definately right.  I am the person who feels that wrongs should be rightly dealt with and that justice must be served always and whilst being of that mindset I also feel that I deserve fair chances in life and I must be forgiven.

Who is the hypocrite now! Yes it's true I am riding the fence now I have my work cut out for me. My journey of forgiveness is one of discovery and intense hurt but it is necessary for me to look back and understand how I hurt people too, and how in as much as I am forgiven, I must do the very same for others. The difficult part for me is in full knowledge, looking beyond situations.

In conclusion a cataract is the clouding of the eye lens. This is an occurance for the elderly mostly. But what I have related this to is that with age we get wisdom, knowledge and understanding which is why when your older you develop a cloud that affects your vision,  which is equivalent to us learning to cloud out the hurt and letting go of the pain and moving on hopefully this can begin before we get older. The message is let love rule and invite cataracts into your heart to help you let go of situations.

Stop Xenophobia

I might not be a South African

But I’m black, my skin is the same as yours

My colour is the same as yours

My genes are African, nothing but African

When your leaders were beaten by whites

I was there to shelter them

I was patient with them

I offered them food, shelter,

Most of all, I offered them protection

I might be a South African

I can’t speak Zulu, cause I’m Vhenda

I can’t speak Zulu, cause I’m Shangaan

I don’t know what an elbow is in Zulu

As much as you don’t know it in my language

Since when was Zulu the only South African language?

Yes……………I’m not from Gauteng

I was not born here, but I’m South African

Where should I go if you beat me

I’m not beating your father, mother, brother or sister who works at my area in the mines

I’m not calling them makwerekwere though they can’t speak my language.

I might be dark in complexion

I might have the foreigners looks

I might have the foreigners body structure

Now I am scared to go to the only place that I call home

I’m scared of working down the street without my ID

Whites wanted me to do that centuries ago

Now you, my black brother is acting white

Why should you Black South Africans do this?

What makes you think that you better than me?

Who told you that I’m responsible for your unemployment?

Who told you that I’m less human

If I need to go back to Vhenda……..let all the Zulus go back to KZN

Let all the Tswana’s go back to Botswana

Let all the Sotho’s go back to Lesotho

Let all the Ndebele’s go back to Kwandebele

Let all the Xhosa’s go back to Eastern Cape

Yes…………let all the Swati’s go back to Swaziland

Is this not ignorance?

Your unemployment is your responsibility

Use your intellect

Get up and work

Let education empower you

Seek humanity

Before 1994 you blamed whites

Now you are blaming me

Who are you going to blame after chasing me away?

Who are you going to blame after killing me?

For what it’s worth…………………..

I’m sorry I was not born here

I’m sorry I can’t speak Zulu

I’m sorry for being too dark for your Joburg

I’m sorry for cleaning the toilets you don’t want to clean

I’m sorry for doing your garden

I’m sorry for repairing your shoes

I’m sorry for protecting your leaders while they were in Exile

Yes…………………what you call Exile………..is my country

And most of all…….I’m sorry for building South African infrastructure

Please my brothers let there be peace and prosperity amongst black African people.

Written by a Teary Black African ………………….Onica

Love Notes

I can't un-miss you no matter how hard I try
I can't un-think you and pretend you ain't on my mind
I can't un-do your touch
I can't un-feel that much
There are some things i just dont know how to do
I can't un-love you

We have been through everything there is, through the laughter and the tears
We have seen through trials that test our faith who would have know it would turn out to be years.

Before you, I can't remember what I used to be
Before you, I can't imagine needing anyone more than I need thee

You were the one who spoke the fear away
You were the one who chose me - and you chose to stay

Who would have known it would be you.
I know for sure Inever knew it would be You.
I'm so glad it was you....

A dear Love lost - fiction

She is dropped to her knees in agony, her heart is pounding, head throbbing and she cannot hear a thing. Tears stream from her eyes but her lips were incapable of moving. In her head a thousand scenes play, but the main and only question remains why?


Why now?  Why him? Why her? Why………. Why……. Why……. She was snapped out of her grief by a doctor asking for her final decision. Her thoughts raced once more; her head throbbed in agony. Why does she have to deal with all this now and why must she?  Nothing in her 29 years on the earth prepared her for this moment.  Seeing see had gone distant again the doctor gently seated her and gave her some water. Her trembling shattered the glass on the floor. I am so sorry for your loss ma’am; I need you to give me your deceased husbands wishes, is he to be buried or cremated?


The tears were not relenting she was overwhelmed.  In a whisper she managed to utter take him to the mortuary I cannot cremate him. Was this the end? A love that was musical that gave her waves of joys in an instant was over. No more partnership and support. No more sharing of sad movies and board games. Her best friend and teacher had abandoned her. For nine years she had built the strongest bond with her Troy and now he is being wheeled off to a mortuary lifeless!  This cannot be it; this can't be life isn't there something she could do or say or give to get this ill fate reversed?


Down she went again on her knees after trying to follow to the mortuary. Where was she going?  What was she doing? The children? Should she get them? How on earth would she tell them that their father was no more? In that moment she blacked out. Thankfully, the doctors got hold of Troy's parents after managing to bring Amber too. Troy’s parents arrived thirty minutes later beside themselves with grief. Completely ill prepared they were disarmed at the mess, Amber their only daughter in law was in. On her knees in the corner she resembled a little girl in deep and immense suffering. Rita picked her up and embraced her, she prayed for strength for her family. None of them were prepared for this ill fate. In that moment in the hospital room theirs lives were altered forever..........

The Universe~ I want a man

I want a man who knows his worth without being arrogant or too proud,
A gentle kindred spirit with heart so pure he stands out from the crowd,
One who knows when to speak and when to seek silent contemplation,
One who won’t have tantrums, retreat and shut down in childish vexation.

He has to know the value of a supportive relationship and total fidelity,
But I don’t care if he’s never heard of Einstein or the laws of relativity.
He has to accept that he’s not perfect but be open minded and keen to learn,
Not to sweat the small stuff but when appropriate show his concern.

Physical attraction is necessary but he doesn’t need muscles like Tarzan or film star looks,
Inner strength and beauty are far more important in my books.
I want a man who knows the value of a hug or a cuddle and just simply being still,
One who won’t feel threatened by my independence, want to control or crush my will,

One who enjoys the changing seasons and appreciates the simple things in life,
Will defend himself but not be confrontational and thrive on conflict and strife.
This Adonis must be honest and compassionate and willing to help the poor,
Religion not essential but he must have knowledge of his Creator and not bring evil, spiritual or physical, to our door,

He must know how to dress but I don’t mind if he’s had a tough life and his childhood was rough,
As long as his heart isn’t hardened, he’s willing to ditch his baggage and deal with his personal stuff.
He must love his mother; his family and I should be one of the most important things in his life,
And I don’t want to be his one foot in one foot out lover either – I want to be his woman.

For this man I will bring to the table all that a good supportive life partner can be,
I will not stalk him but I’ll be behind him, ready to support and hold my king up for all to see,
Not mothering him but so we can grow together side by side each day and make a formidable team,
Then strong we will surmount life’s obstacles with me.......

2014

This has been a year full of life and all kinds of various experiences, a year very well spent. I feel a lot more grounded and secure, I am very grateful for every experience I have had this year and I really feel like I have come a long way. Family has been a core focus for me this year and I am pleased with the attention I have given my family I have had moments with them all individually and learnt a lot including the ever so essential ability to put smiles on their faces and the fulfillment that comes along with it. I am really glad that this year  I didn't shun family as always, I made time to spend with a few of my relatives and it was great.

On a work front I had such an amazing year of growth but with growth comes the elevation of standards and even though I had an amazing year with unimaginable growth it was not enough, I had to deal with the stabbing pain of disappointment. I ignited a new hunger in me that was amazing and knew no failure until I failed, I think I experienced being flung into a brick wall theoretically, I hadn't acknowledged failure in a long while and it was a shocker, but I guess once you have failed the hard part is done now I can win happily knowing I have failed before.  I managed to dust myself up and get back on the horse but it was long dragging process I really felt awful. None the less I live to die another day!

On a personal note well I never cease to live a drama free existence, highs and lows as always bad experiences I am not proud of occurred and well great revelations too. The important lessons are when people show their true colors believe them and accept them as they are; at least they have been honest. I have become a lot less tolerant and I fear many may lose my devotion in the year ahead and it is only for my own good which is my core responsibility. I really sense a growth about me and I intend to continue with it. On a spiritual level there has been growth too, I attended a lot more church this year and got involved in ministry a bit and I intend to give more of my time into service. As always God has shown himself faithful in my life and taught me patience and how to surrender my life to him, a little nudge that I am in his world and not in control. My health has been amazing this year and for once I committed to fitness and stuck to it too, I play soccer once a week and it has kept my weight in check all year, I also participated in my first triathlon this year a great experience I intend to do more often. I also took a zumba class too this year that was awesome too, I had a very active year this year. I have dubbed 2015 a year of building; it is very general but appropriate I am building and I am excited and hungry for it.

I won’t be a new person next year probably a better version of Donna and with everyday that comes I fit more and more comfortably in my own skin. I am who I am not perfect not amazing, I am very different and I love that about myself no one can ever fault me for not being unique. I love my life and I am ever so grateful for everything that has come in this life, I constantly look forward to what lies ahead. I am most grateful for the grace of God upon my life as it has kept me from so much and shown me so much, more often than not I feel like the luckiest girl alive and that is what is important. Have a blessed 2015 filled with breath taking moments and give breath taking experiences don’t just be alive, LIVE!!!

Life Lessons

You are the books you read,
You are the films you watch,
You are the music you listen to,
You are the people you meet,
You are the dreams you have,
You are the conversations you engage in,
You are what you take from all these,

You are the sound of the Ocean,
The breath of fresh air,
The highest light and the darkest corner,
You are a collective of your every experience you have had in your life,
You are every single day

So drown yourself in a sea of knowledge and existence,
Let the words run through your veins and let the colors fill your mind.
Everyone is a teacher some you seek, some you subconsciously attract,
Often we learn simply by observing others, some may be completely unaware that we are learning from them, yet we should bow deeply in gratitude.

Breast Cancer

My Pink Friday 

This October is breast cancer awareness month and as such i want to look at cancer in detail just to shed light on why we make so much noise about cancer. Cancer is a traitor it strikes when you’re least prepared and you least expect it to, everything we do now and how we lead our lives puts us at risk of developing cancer at a later stage in life.

Cancer is a disease of the cells which are the building blocks of body organs and tissues. Normally cells divide, grow and multiply in an orderly and controlled way as the body needs them to keep the body healthy. When cells become old or damaged, they die and are replaced with new cells. However, sometimes this orderly process goes wrong. When this happens, cells do not die when they should and new cells form when the body does not need them. When these cells continue multiplying, their result is a mass of tissue or growth, also called a tumor. A tumor is a mass of abnormal tissue. There are two types of breast cancer tumors: those that are non-cancerous, or ‘benign’, and those that are cancerous, which are ‘malignant’. Breast cancer is a malignant tumor which occurs in the breast(s), most commonly from the inner lining of milk ducts or the lobules that supply the ducts with milk. . There are several types of breast cancer. It can be diagnosed at different stages and can grow at different rates. This means that people can have different treatments, depending on what will work best for them. I have listed the most common risk factors of breast cancer below:·

• Are over forty (40) years of age·          

•     Have a family history of breast cancer·         

•  Smoke and drink alcohol, more than two drinks per day·       

•    Eat a diet high in animal fat and low in fiber·       

•    Have no children or had your first child after you turned 30 years·     

•      Started your menstrual periods early before 12 years of age experience menopause later than usual (after 55 years) you are more at risk·   

•        Excessively use of hormone replacement - always consult your doctor on the use of hormones·    

•       Exposed to radiation especially during adolescence·         

•  Have had cancer previously in one breast·         

•  Constantly endure high stress levels

It is important to be wary of the common signs and symptoms of breast cancer. The common symptoms of breast cancer include a lump or thickening in or near the breast or in the underarm that persists through the menstrual cycle. A mass or lump, which may feel as small as a pea should also be a cause for concern, especially if it is detected during regular breast self examination. Women must look out for changes in the size, shape, or contour of the breast, blood-stained or clear fluid discharge from the nipple, change in the feel or appearance of the skin on the breast or nipple (dimpled, puckered, scaly, or inflamed), redness of the skin on the breast or nipple, a change in shape or position of the nipple. Other signs include the development of a marble-like hardened area under the skin, an area that is distinctly different from any other area on breast, tingling, itching, increased sensitivity, burning in pain in the breast or nipples, unexplained weight loss as well as persistent fever or chills. Some of the signs and symptoms may however be due to other conditions. It is thus important to consult your doctor or health practitioner should the signs or symptoms present. Please note that it’s common for a woman’s breasts to be a different size or shape from each other. They also feel different at different times of the month. For example, just before a woman’s period, her breasts may feel lumpy. As a woman gets older, her breasts may become smaller and feel softer. 



Breast cancer screening refers to testing otherwise-healthy women for breast cancer in an attempt to achieve an earlier diagnosis. The assumption is that early detection will improve outcomes. A number of screening test have been employed including: clinical and self breast exams, mammography, genetic screening, ultrasound, and magnetic resonance imaging (MRI). In Zimbabwe Breast Self Examination (BSE) is encouraged since most of the lumps are discovered by the woman themselves. Breast screening may find cancers early. In older women it saves lives since if a cancer is found, it is likely to be smaller. It may, therefore, be possible to remove the lump (by a lumpectomy) instead of removing the whole breast (a mastectomy). 

The best option for young women is the Breast Self Examination.The method involves the woman herself looking at and feeling each breast for possible lumps, distortions or swelling. It makes one become familiar with the usual appearance and feel of one’s breasts. Getting to know one’s breasts makes it easier to become aware of any changes. Breast self-exam is done about three to five days after one’s period when breasts are less likely to be tender and swollen. Women at menopause should choose a particular day of the month when to do breast self-examination. Early detection of abnormalities gives the doctor a better chance to offer effective treatment. A way to BSE is as follows;·   

•        Stand before the mirror, inspect both breasts for any unusual discharge, dimpling, scaling or puckering of the skin.·       
•    Watching in the mirror, clasp hands behind head and press head against hands. This helps to identify any changes in the shape or size as the muscles contract.·      
•     Press hands on the hips and bend towards the front or mirror while pulling shoulders and elbows forward. The pulling of muscles helps to identify any abnormalities on the breasts.·    
•       While in the shower, with soapy hands, lift arm and with four fingers of your right hand, gradually work from the outer edge of the breast in small circles towards the nipple. 
•  The circular movements will help identify any lumps or abnormalities.
• Following the same process use your left hand to examine the right breast. 
• I know this is a lot to read but it is worth the read and very helpful. Keep safe.

  

21st century parenting

Parenting is the one responsibility I have that blows my mind. I sit down and try to mentally analyse the job description and it scares the life out of me, we are too insignificant to deal with such responsibility. Honestly have you considered that everything your children will become will mirror you in one way or another? I always tell God that my kids are his children and I’m his earthly assistant because I would  go crazy if I had to worry every day and every  minute that I am not with them how they were and if they were being treated well, what they were exposed to and the like. Parenting needs faith because if you try and control everything you would be setting yourself up for failure.

One of the challenges I face a lot as a mother is finding balance, with work, chores and still maintaining some social sanity. Many good parents cut out all social aspects of their life when they have children and I find that next to impossible. I always find myself grumpy if I don’t go out with peers and feel somewhat normal, at the same time I feel very guilty if I prioritize my time it always seems as though I have to choose and suddenly you find yourself highly stressed and torn. I am always happiest when I strike a balance and I have put in some time with the kids and I have handled my chores and I have a bit of time for me too if I achieve this I feel like a superhero mum.

Honestly speaking though we roughly have about four such great days a month if we are lucky, the reality is parenting is the hardest job ever with no off days, no sick leave and lousy pay. I remember once having such a horrid bout of the flu with a fever and all but I still had to do my school run and then drive myself to the doctors and home again and make dinner, many a time I wonder where I get the strength from? It is love! There is nothing better in life than seeing the love in your children’s eyes, when they see you they light up. Not forgetting the faith in your ability to provide for them, that just does it for me, when my kids see me they light up and for that simple reason I would gladly move mountains for them. I honestly think 21^st century parenting is all about following your gut, we are in an era where everyone has an opinion of everything under the sun and with the fast growing pace of technology there is about ten different opinions in your face and the worst part is your children are exposed to it all too.

It is now next to impossible to protect your children one hundred percent but like I mentioned the only healthy parents are those with faith or the totally ignorant ones. Unfortunately there are no rule books or manuals on right parenting there are generalized opinions so yeah twenty first  century parenting is follow your gut, trust in God, after all he raised you and gave you the kids he has a plan just trust him to guide you, love and pray without ceasing. Happy Parenting may you make memorable memories with your children!

Nicole my daughter 2 days old

Anthony and Nicole and Me

Me and Anthony at 2

Me and Little Miss Nicky